I am so sorry

There was times, when people used to ask me about my father or mother and my response used to be, “I don't have”, which reacted prompt response from them and that too inevitably, “I am so sorry.” That response really unnerved me, for so long; but I used to swallow that unwanted concern from people. For me, not having parents is the biggest boon and gift from God and all they could muster is, I am so sorry !

Why sorry ? was that for my state of condition ? Why is that expression, I did not like that reaction, long before even I realized my condition, as a gift from God. But then, leave my reasoning habit, especially at odd time and when its most unwanted, behind. There are some reasons that might help you to understand, why that simple sounding concern has power to unnerve me.

Some time ago, I read in newspaper that fifteen year old girl was raped by his father. When I posted it on my Facebook with a comment, you see, this is the reason I consider myself lucky, because, I don't have father like him. It sure invited comments from my readers, one of them posting that, not every father is like him, maybe only about ten percent is like him.

Then there were news about a father who killed his two daughter because he was poor and could not think of raising them. Really, he was poor or his mentality was poorest to act something like that ?

In 2010 the world was shaken and then frozen with the news, when a father, had raped repeatedly who was kidnapped when she was teenager and kept her in incest and fathered four child with her. All this time, forget police could not found her, what is more hard to believe is that her own mother was clueless about what he did to her daughter. Really ?

Okay, I don't want to argue on this, believing this kind of things happens in every family around the world.  Just about ten percent only, right !

By now, my readers know this fact very well that I am hooked to crime patrol an indian show in TV during recent years. I was watching  show on TV,  it was about a father who was so abusive that he used to terrorize his own son, so much so that due to the fear of being beaten mercilessly, the young boy drank toilet cleaner; which ultimately took his life. The boy was about ten years old, and was living with his father after the divorce. It was the father's decision to keep the boy with him, and not to send him with his mother.

Okay, I agree this kind of cases does not happen regularly and happens in just about ten percent of family only in world wide.

Some time back I was watching Satyamev Jayate a talk show by Amir Khan. I switched it off bit late, so, I missed half part but I guess; I got the full picture. Program was based on the alcoholics, so a man was talking choking under the immense pressure of his tear. He did tried, really hard to hold it; so that he won't break in front of camera. He was a journalist before and then at a time he was chronic alcoholic; who did not eat anything but just drink and drink. Now, he had recovered from alcoholism, and had not touched any in ten years, married with the woman who helped him recover from alcoholism, who taught at the rehab where he was admitted. He is still not in contact with his parents and have not spoken to them for long time now. It started long before, he started drinking; at one point, he shared in front of the camera, one of his parents said, “ I curse the day, you were born.”

I can understand why it hurt so much, when someone who once loved you so dearly said something like that. But in my case, as I grew up in Bal Mandir I could retaliate easily something as nasty as that line and shake my head immediately and not be that hopeless case of alcoholics.

Okay, fine, this kind of things does not happen in every family just about ten percent of family world wide, right.

The other day the same show was airing a story of Neha* who hailed from small town Sarangpur, had killed her parents, who treated her as if she never belonged to this family, however her own brother Saurav* was treated like a prince. Her parents was very reluctant to pay for her school fees and some other extra thing that she needed in her life. She was never ever in the family picture and in her father's will or anything. She did not belong to anywhere and anyone.

Okay, accepted this kind of things does not happen in every family just about ten percent of family world wide, right.

Its not that everything goes wrong in family where parents have bad intention. Some time back, I was shocked to see one loving father emphasizing his bright school girl to work so hard and promise to top the class with 98%, instead of 89%. He loved her so much, so he wanted all the best thing for her in future and she loved him so much, she could not think of disappointing him with the opposite. One day before her final exam, she could not take it anymore so, she committed suicide. Loving parents who wish all the time best and word so hard than the children can meet the expectations is also not fun to have around.

Okay, accepted this kind of things happens in just ten percent of family only.

Then there are parents who force their children to marry the person of their choice and leaving the love of his/her life behind, because they have seen it all and been there and they know a lot better what is good and what is bad in life. At one time, a couple in India, went in total shock to learn that, its their daughter who was planning to kill them and her only brother, because they were against the boy she choose for herself and she could not think of spending her life with anyone but him. However the boy by now was married to other women due to societal pressure yet the incident happened.   

Okay, accepted this kind of things happens in just ten percent of family only.

And then there are news about a mother who made her two teenage daughter to share bed with a baba, so that if they do so; their life will be better and the all the problems in their life will vanish, just like that. There are people who abuse their child daily and the cases don't even see the days light, saying its family issue and personal matter. It only makes to the news or police case when the situation becomes out of control.

Okay, accepted this kind of things happens in just about ten percent of family world wide, right.

People who grew up in family, repeatedly tells me that, its very very important to have parents; so that one can experience love and know how it feels. I am still not convinced about it. I think taking care of a child and raising them properly is nothing more than animal instinct. I can't help feel sorry for the person who says this to me. I guess this person must have missed the chance to see a documentary about penguins. Penguin couple goes to extreme measure, to protect their egg in rotation, and then how impressively raise its young chick in that cold Antarctica. Why then, wonder what humans do to raise their child ? What good they do than penguins, to raise and take care of their own child ?

I am lucky that I don't belong to any of the above family. I am sorry, for all those who have gone through this kinds of incidents in their life by their own family members. the near and dear ones. I am not sorry for my condition instead, I am so thankful for who I am, where I am and how I am. For me, the grass is not green, in other side of the pasture.

Note : *crime patrol show changes the name due to privacy reason.

The Blue Hand

Its really not easy for me today, to remember exactly; who brought that story in, about the blue hand.  As children go to different schools in Bal Mandir, once they reach eighth grade, its hard to guess from which school it entered. Most of the children in Bal Mandir, go to the school that is inside the premises, until they are seventh grade.

The good news about children going to different schools, when there are too many children at one place is, one get a chance to learn so many things, from so many people who are of same age; just like this blue paw story. Today I get it, what I failed to understand when I was young and innocent.

The Blue hand, seems to be the story of a scary movie at that time, but I am quite not sure about it. It also could be, a story read by some school age children, who passed it to his or her friend and that traveled to Bal Mandir one day. The story line, did not have much of attention pulling capacity for me and while the narration of it scared to death most of the teen and pre-teens in Bal Mandir, it almost did not have any effect on me. Oh my God, does not this mean; I was so fearless, ever since I was a young girl !

The story mostly came alive, just when the darkness was around. For example at night immediately after the pray time. A group of children, used to huddle up in a bunch, almost every time one narrated the story, of blue hand, which was very horrible looking and smeared in blood. It used to scare the children hell out of their guts, and that it also made some children pee on their pants or some skirt. They screamed in unison in horror, and then they used to scared to death to go to the toilet area after that, because where there were almost no light on the way, except inside the toilet and sometimes, some urchin used to switch off the light of toilet for better effect of the story. The sounds of scared children, used to shook the area thoroughly.

Because, the story had traveled from one group to another group, and one room to another room, so everyone had their own twist on it, to this story and different narration to different group or as time passed by. But everyone was true to its horror part, which at the end of the story kills the main character, due to the blue hand haunting it everywhere.

You see, its a mind game; right ! Just like that, the horror of it stayed in the mind of young children for long, and after that just one word ‘blue hand’ during the night time in the later days and months did the whole trick. For many of the girl it helped them to finish their pee, of course in the toilet, faster than the usual time, it normally needed. Sorry, here I don't know much of the boys side of story. Some could not sleep at night for long and some just could not think of going alone in the toilet or outside without a companion even when the toilet at night was in less than two minutes distance.

Anyway, when we were young and teenagers, going even to toilet during the day time was something, we always needed one or more than one companions. Our best friends always joined us, because they just could not resist the good time we used to have, as it was long way from our rooms or our study room, so we could share so many things during that small  walk up to the toilet.

Those extra company gave us courage to face the darkness and keeping ourselves busy in our talk, kept us away from those imaginary ghost, which was the creation of some lone soul’s imagination to self destruction.

Did I miss something ?

                                                                                                                             “You hate men” she said in a manner, she wanted me to admit it rather than I answer the question. I looked at her for some time, thinking; why she thinks, she knows me more than I know myself ? I have no answer to this question. I did not reacted to her comment, because she was wrong in her presumption and whatever I say something, she says; I like to disagree with her.  But how can she presume it ? May be she is a lot older than me, she is already grandma, she has two young grandchildren. Maybe , because of her age it's natural for her to presume, that she knows me better, than I know myself, just because she is older than me ! Really ?

As a child, I grew up believing strongly on that line, grey hair is not sign of wisdom. and I at the age when I myself is on grey hair bracket, that child is not dead yet.

Do I really have to hate men ? I don't hate men but more than than I don't need to hate them; but, men who believe that they are superior sex, has to face my strong opinion on this matter, which is not going to make them feel comfortable around me, including women who already bought the false believe in them like the above lady.

My superiority does not lie, in thinking; I am better sex than men. Their inferiority gives me full muse at the same time.

Today, I know for sure that, I am a hardcore feminist; but as a schoolgirl, I did not knew about this fact about me and had not got a chance to read much book on this subject matter to understand why I hated them teasing me ? I was not lucky to find wise adults around me to tell me why I hated boys treating us mere as a teasing subject. Like every school girls, I too had to go through this phase, of facing the boys of my class for teasing us.

“You are rude”

“This is me, if you don't like what I say, and how I say it; then listen it with a flower in one hand and a cake with candle light in your other hand”, was the prompt response snapped up by the two young school boys. Maybe its Raju and Sanu Babu, because they were the ones, who kept repeating it again and again to annoy girls, but not limiting there, because they used the same dialogue, to their classmates also for any given chance to win their argument. And with that line they laughed hard like anything; every time they passed these rude comments. Some other boys came forward and made slight changes on the line and then again laughed, while saying it repeatedly; every time they were told, you being so rude. More it annoyed me or the other girls, more it amused them, and they had the fun of their life.

My guess today, is some girl in the class, must have complained with the top line, for their misbehavior and Raju or Sanu my classmates, when I was in school, must have replied such absurd answer.

Like all the boys, they were childish in their own way, naughty and enjoyed teasing girls for no reason. But where on earth boys need reasons to tease girls ?  Although, I do not remember, punching boys on nose or bleeding anyone for teasing me, pulling my skirt  or my hair, I was intolerant to the max towards boys or men who thought, they can feel comfortable by teasing me and I went on to any level to tell them that you are not going to enjoy for your act.

I hated being teased by boys. I hated it, when I was in school and in college, but what perplex me more is, I still have to face the same kind of teasing by men of different age, even today; when I have long passed my  school and college days.

I see some girls and ladies take it so easily as if its a light manner, but, I have not grown much from my school days time when it comes to be still rigid and not accepting it, like lighter side of men and take it easily.

I still have hard time being comfortable with Sanu, Raju or for this matter to the most of the guys, I grew up with; or I find myself surrounded by. I am still the one, a girl, an object that will give them joy or fun and nothing more than that. I still get mad and angry, when they trying to find nothing more than fun around me instead of  wisdom; that I can bring to any issue I talk and seek joy not the sense in what I say.

Why can't I gel well with men, who has this kind of attitude ? or what's wrong to let them tease me and have fun and flow with the river ? I like to keep a good distance from men who find me beautiful. Maybe this is their angle, that needs to be appreciated, maybe I am really beautiful, I need to accept the truth and be thankful to the nice comments pass on me by men as women are not going to tell this to me; but I am more than what meets eyes. I tell them, “go find somebody; who will squeal with this kind of remarks.”

And you know what, I am not even apologetic for being blunt !

Some think, I hate men, like the lady above but that is not true, I am uncomfortable around the men who treat women like mere sex object and if not, then just the one who has to obey the rules and orders men make.

Its Okay to have a good relationship with everyone in our life, whom we have to deal in day in and day out   life, including men of all age. But, how come girls [ women ] let the men tease them, allow them to treat us with less respect, accept it easily that we are only for fun and joy; and at the same time expect them to treat us as an equal gender ?

Because, in my opinion this is where men start thinking, we are mere sex object, made for fun and joy ride. So why on earth, they needed to work out on equal rights for women ?

Tongue Wagers

 It was the the after the the queen's visit in Bal Mandir when I was a teenager. On her visit she had picked up two young children for ‘sponsorship’, meaning ‘she’ will be totally ‘responsible’ for their education in future. But Jyoty Ghale and Hom Bahadur who have not started even their nursery school yet had a long way to go in college. I am quite not sure about the Jyoty's parents or under which condition she had landed in Bal Mandir but Hom’s father was severely gingered and he himself was rehabbed in an institute in Jorpati based disabled organisation.

We have seen the man, whenever he came to see his son. He used to visit his son even though he was on all his four. His leg was not strong enough to support him standing or walking. Now, I am guessing that maybe he was not even suffering from polio, because polio stricken people have the week leg yet with the help of leg supporter they normally can walk but Hom’s father body also was twisted badly although my  memory power is failing to support my image of him but one this is very sure he could not walk and he had to drag himself on all his four to move from here to there.

So this was the reason all the nannies started talking, saying, his father must have done some good work in his past life, to get a person like queen to pick his son for all his education and may be more. His son, is lucky and he will do all the good to eradicate what he may have done in the past.

Nannies, in Bal Mandir were unanimous in their blind believe, that we landing up there; was purely, because of our past life’s deed, and it directly meant; we did not do, any good work in our past lives.

Today, when I am full grown finished my college, and at the same time those young children Jyoti and Hom also finished their college. They are now all on their own, Royal era is long gone; why I say royal era is long gone the whole royal family was massacre long time back in 2001 June. Today when i really want to understand the whole scenario, it  Really strikes me to think, was that true ? they were lucky because they were picked up by queen or we all are lucky to landed up in Bal Mandir.

Yes, these two children got a chance to visit royal palace on the numerous occasions, in the coming years and that meant many visit to their classmates also who ‘touched’ queens and other royal members. But apart from that, I really have not heard any good news about those two, who was picked up by queen for their educations or now in their respective field, in doing some extraordinary work, who were from bal Mandir. They are as good and as bad; than any other person, who ever lived in Bal Mandir.

To me, in real sense Bal Mandir is a temple as its later word means; and this is the place on earth, where we can find all kinds of people. I mean good, bad and worse. But some are as good as GOD. It gives us the chance to see the shade  of like and also helps us to see the life. We the needy one, those who needed there to take care for our day-to-day need yet, they cursed us heavily or believe that we are the curse; when, we were the reason they got the job, and then there are those who are so corrupt that they steals from the things meant for us but won't miss the chance to say that you are just the ‘beggars’ and those royal members, who established Bal Mandir, and those donors and sponsors; mostly from abroad, who took care of the things, we needed in our daily life and made sure we get life, I mean better life than that was purely meant for unlike otherwise the belief held by who believe in Karma, and its effect in our life.

Although, my mind always clashes with each other, when it really comes to Karma and its effects; however unlike the belief held by nannies and housemothers and indeed most of the staff and people who surrounded me while I was growing up, I was lucky to find myself in Bal Mandir, and then getting an opportunity to know  person like Bernhard. It seems to me that, some people only have tongue to wag but not brain to use so that they can think and find some of the perplexing questions answer in life.

Had I not landed in Bal Mandir, I would not have known those nannies, housemothers, those staff at the NCO and then Bernhard. Bernhard is the best thing, that ever happened to me, in my life; who changed my life; in so many ways and it happened, purely, because I once was in Bal Mandir.

Real Freedom

Last October, before I left for Chitwan during dashain, I lost my wallet which had my citizenship card, when I had gone for shopping to New Road. Needless to mention, that meant visits to District Administration office to make it again. It did not take much time, to make it, but I had to face some of the bureaucracy ‘mentality’ of people working under such systems while making it.

Normally, they make the carbon copy of the what was lost, based in the number and pulling the exact information that was recorded in the first document. Digging back document in our our government office is not that easy, because those documents are not recorded in computer, yet the peon, who is the lowest in terms of rank base in offices, is the one who is the data bank in government offices and can extract the exact book from the piles of unsympathetically placed in any government recording system. In his absence, I guess the government office will get totally lost. But then, why those men are called ‘peons’ then ?

Whatever he is called and respect given for his knowledge bank, the case is, there was a slight problem in remaking my citizenship card, due to my incomplete birth date, and they were least interested to correct it this time. As if, there were not already many things, missing in my citizenship card. Such as there is blank, when there should have been my fathers name, grandfathers name and permanent address. I always have to face people, wanting me to fill the form, that says your father’s name and that also which says your grandfather's name. I always handover them my citizenship card and yet they tell me write what is here. 

How I wish I am dealing with intelligent people who get the point without talking or explaining in length. I would not have to worry about it by now, if, I mean if only  I was married and have my husband to have his name in my card instead of my fathers or grandfathers to stop thinking about those missing men's name in my citizenship card. Because I have made my card from Kathmandu under Bal Mandir guidance.  I know, at times it creates very uneasy and uncomfortable situation. Especially, when I know the name of my parents, yet its not in the paper. All my four brothers out of five has the name of their parents in their citizenship card but me. Oh, one of my brother, who was deaf and mute and also mentally challenged, got lost in India; when he was taken there, for treatment by our oldest brother. The later is the master of crook.

Oh, its he who did not paid much attention that I have my citizenship card with my parents name in it. in their absence the oldest one was needed to be present at the DAO, but.... At the end; I gave up, thinking, when these people were there to help me in any way to feel bad about their parents name not having in my card.  They were never there, for me to ease in my life, so what differences it makes; if they did not take any interest to put my parents name in papers ? Yes, it may have avoided me from facing some uneasy and uncomfortable look and question due to that blank space at times, but that's the truth of my life, I have to face it.

Back in DAO Kathmandu office, at one point, when one of the officer was flipping one more time the old record, with incomplete data, to be sure about my date of birth and was not ready to correct it, as I gave them. I lost my patience and and blurted out, “why do you have to repeat the mistake that was in my earlier record ? why do you have to take exactly; as if you will be hanged, if you make correction this time ? Tell me who is the person to go and talk, I will talk now.”  It so happened, that he was the man, whom I demanded to talk. He told me to wait for a minute and then went outside his room to talk to his superior [ perhaps]. Then he signed on the my newly made citizenship card, with the changes I had already made with the help of computer operator, convincing him that, I will see what happens next, in the next room. The computer operator had warned me that, “the sr. officers won't accept it.” “Leave that to me”, was my sharp response to him.

The officer wanted me to produce the birth certificate, before he signed on my document; so that he can be sure, it won't land him in trouble. That really shocked me again, because, first of all, I doubt I was born in hospital; and even if, my parents had those certificates, it must have got lost when the flood swept away everything in that river side hut which dispersed our family back in 70s landing almost all of us in Bal Mandir.

Just a couple of days before, I had to go to a bank to verify some of my personal document and again I have to face the same question and look, to fill forms, which says your father, grandfathers name and permanent address. I handed her my citizenship card and again she said me, to fill as it is here without even looking at it. At that point I lost my patience and then I blurted out a couple of lines in English, ‘to use her common sense’ and ‘see it carefully’. Its really hard to put my fingers, to the things that worked for me now, which she used at that moment, her common sense or my blurting out in fluent English; she did verified my papers with some hesitation, as she had to ask it to her colleague with no help.

At last, I got my paper verified, and the official document had just my name in it. No man’s name in my document. Suddenly, after looking at that document,  I felt deep sense of pride in myself and my single name. This document has allowed me to feel the en-measurable sense of pride in me and my condition, that I don't need a man’s name in any of my document. I don't need any man’s content or discontent to own anything or disown anything. For me this is the freedom; in real sense.