Pass on the good deeds

There are some people in our life and we are so indebted to them, all we can do is say thank you.  saying this is so easy but there was time I waited for  the time to return him  the goodness he gave me in my life. I was not smart enough to know, kindness and good deeds should be passed on and we should not wait right time and way to say thank you to those people whose gratitude awash us.

It was the year 90, when Bernhard came forward to pick my college bills along with other cost that will make sure I have no problem going to college. he came in my life out of nowhere. Truth be told he had gone to Bal Mandir and expressed his desire to help a young student to send to college. I so happened to be in her mind and just like that I was picked. That sure made my only dream of that time; of going to college, a lot easier. This stroke of luck, made others from Bal mandir so jealous of me. Honestly speaking, that was so satisfying feelings I have felt, because you know I come from that background no one is envious of our life.

In the beginning, I thought he was picking my college bills all by himself. But, after two years he told me that he has been asking money, with his friends on his birthday instead of gift for himself; so that he could help more children to get better education after Bal Mandir. He helped me to finish my graduation and wanted to support my further study until masters degree but I was not interested in higher study. I thought, I am in Nepal and more educated you are more frustrated you become and I did not wanted to end up as a frustrated educated person.

During that four years of my college life, I was so grateful to Bernhard for what he did to me. Not surprisingly, I wanted to thank him or give him some gift that would please him. sorry except good marks on my report card as I was never a bright student. In my teen stupidity, I also used some money to buy gifts, a window craft by locals here. Sure, that money was also I have saved from the very money which he used to give me for my full study [ room rent, food cost and total study bill].  I still remember, bewilderment in his eyes and saying that I don't want any gift from you, all I want is your good health and do good in your study.

That was not normal for me. See, I grew up in Bal Mandir and no one gives you anything without something in return. But he did not want anything from me except my good health and me excelling in college. I was not a bright student to get good marks and still Bernhard never pressured me for good marks in my report cards. After seeing my mark sheet which was not so good for a person who was studying on sponsorship budget; he once told to encourage me, marks could be decisive. That simple line stamped in my mind forever. Over the years, I came to know that I can't do anything for Bernhard. He do not need anything from me in return for all the good he did for me.

We became very close over the years. I used to tell him everything that used to happen in my life and I make sure he gets all my news from me before any other wants to become my spokesperson. We stayed in touch for another 20 years. We still meet whenever he comes to Nepal. Whenever we catch we have lots to talk and share with each other and we catch up from the point where we left last time. Sure, we forgot some boundaries of project v/s life. It took me long time to understand I was part of his big project and there is whole life apart from Bernhard in my life. His project grew with every passing years. Today, there are more than 76 children in his education project and more than 100 student have already been passed out from college until now.

Me not being a bright person, it took me long time to get it that we should not waste our time waiting to find the right opportunity to say thank you to the person who did good in our life especially when we can't do anything for them. Instead we should find our own ways to pass on the good deeds to others. This is the only way and the right way I can say him; thank you in real sense. So, now I know what I need to do. I do exactly what he did to me.

Just like him, I will ask money with others and then give it to those who needs it for better education. If he has done this for 200 then I will do this for 2000 children. Stupid me why didn't I get it earlier, I should have started long time back. But, I think Bernhard was of my age when he picked me up; therefore, I think I am not that late.

Bernhard is that rare man in my life, whom I love, respect, admire, like and loop up to. This is not something every man gets from me.

Bernhard is my that single perks of life for being raised in Bal Mandir that changed my whole life or at least the way I see life after knowing Bernhard.

Man trapped in boys world

Whenever I get Dashain break,  I go to my brothers place at Chitwan Madhavpur; even though he and his whole family is christian. This time because, here in the the city we are facing Indian blockade so I have to stay at his home for longer than what I had planned to stay before I left Kathmandu.

Unlike other family we are not much close may be for the obvious reason, I grew up in Bal Mandir and this does not mean I was the only one who had to spend life in Bal Mandir.  My four brothers were also have been sent to Bal Mandir or other shelter homes. Except for the oldest one, who had to stay at home with his father because he was old enough not to keep in any shelter home at that age. The ‘home’ we called was swept away by an angry flood.

They said such angry flow of river happens once in 30 years only. And when it was angry like that my family was dispersed. Sure there must have been many more like us and their story may have been different than mine. The youngest two of us were kept in Bal Mandir. My brother could have been around five at that time and another two was placed in other shelter home which also fell under the Management of Nepal Children's Organisation. Me and my youngest brother have small age gap, so no wonder I am closer with my youngest brother compared to other brothers. During the early years, we both were kept in Bal Mandir but latter on he was transfered to the Shifal branch of Bal Mandir, where only boys are kept.

We both are a reader and talker. He was the brightest child and He always topped the class, and never ever became the second in class in his entire school life. Not just that he also used to take part in debate, poem reciting, took part in singing competition, painting and what not all that was given opportunity as a child by royal family when we were growing up. As for me, I was not even close to the tenth roll call, nah, I was not even near by the 20th roll call or the neighbor of 30th. In those days we  used to have the roll call according to the ranking we got in our exam papers. I was just the average child when I was in school or my entire student life. Still, we can talk and argue on almost anything. However, it seems whenever we catch up, our talk and time flies back in our childhood memories and we talk most about that time.

He keeps telling me even today, it was because the new housemother named Sabitri Basnyat had been transferred in Bal Mandir from the Shifal branch and she just did not like him.  He also remembers why. She may not have liked him. Sukdev, was confident child and so the argumentative nature was part of his personality and the housemother may have thought he was challenging her beliefs with his childish brain. He was not the kind; who backed off easily, once he is convinced of something. It seems to me that there was a case of ego clash. He insist she was narcissistic. She sure had that attitude of : how dare you look into my eyes, talk back to me or retort fast ? even if, was asked in anger.

Being a bright student may be he was curious of many things but what I do remember today that even the naughtiest behavior of children was termed as bad behavior in Bal Mandir. Sabitri Basnyat was mother of this twist of word who never wanted to understand the difference between the two word and it was her choice by default.

It's not a coincidence that, she hated me too for very long time and I do not have much good memories of me liking her as the feelings was so very mutually shared. I have written so much about her rough handling of children when I was young and innocent, and was growing up in Bal Mandir. Thank God, there was much more than Sabitri Basnyat to remember when I look back in my time that I have spent in Bal Mandir as a child. Luckily, it seems it's the same with my brother also.

When I took a stroll at my brother's backyard that immediately sent me back in my memory lane of my childhood time. Because, there was a small piece of kitchen garden with some fruit trees. In that small piece of land he has grown some vegetables, some trees, some herbs some flowers and many fruit trees for that small area. But, more than anything it was that thing in the middle of the kitchen garden there was some sugar cane plant at one line of it. It was that plant that has more power to pull me in my childhood time. Because, when  we were in Bal Mandir it was a kind of Bal Mandir culture to provide some land for boys to take care of it as soon as they were old enough to take care of something. I mean more than a puppy. In that small plot every boys grew sugar cane, along with other things. and they enjoyed it during winter season. Out of curiosity, I even counted it. There was  about 15 -18 less than 20 sugarcane and I know for sure that will not cross the number if I visit him ten years later also. He can't chew it as he has very weak set of teeth in his mouth, and I doubt; anyone at home really want to eat it. Still it was there. It was just there for the sake of his memory of good old time.

Another thing that sent me directly with a short cut ticket to my memory land in Bal Mandir was because, there is so many fruit trees in his small piece of land, where he also grows vegetables for about 20 people each day. Again counted those fruit trees. About ten papaya trees,  three mango trees, two trees of avocado, a litchi trees, a tree of custard apple and a grape vine and a vine of mango also. All those fruit trees have the combination power to send me in my memory lane from where I can never ever delete the trees of mango, litchi, plum, pear, and peaches. There was about six pear trees in one row and he had planted papaya trees just like that, about five in a row and rest scattered around the premises .

I remarked about my observation and he agreed having been so much influence from what he had seen in his childhood time. I have heard in a TV advertisement that we learn most from the observation than going to school or hearing a preaching. His gardens tells me exactly the same thing about that observation that tells a story of his childhood memories. And there is nothing wrong when a man still has that part of his life in him, his sweet memories of childhood.

I grew up in Bal Mandir

• Bal Mandir is a biggest orphanage here in Nepal. Well, I really have not heard of another orphanage which has more children in one place even today. Of course, there are so many small size children home that have been gaining popularity in society. We keep reading so many corruption story that goes in there but I will not cover that part of my life. I better leave it to whole lot of other people who loves to talk about the dark side of it. 

I grew up in orphanage. This line may sound pretty simple and easy to say, read or write  you are reading it. This line, which I say now with so much ease, without inhibition and admit it with so much confidence today as if this is a prize I possess and I am proud of. It was however was not easy for me always. I was not comfortable to muster it, when I was in school, college and after that I was working in many offices. It was indeed not easy to utter even when I was living in Bal Mandir. Much later on in my life, I learned that it was because I was not much aware of the fact, how the people who were raised by parents thought about us. Nah, more than that it was because we were treated in Bal Mandir by the staff as if we were the sin. Now I know what was the sin; sin of being their bread and butter. Adult always hate their job and I was the job.

I have written so much in my earlier post about how fragile our self esteem was, how much we suffer from inferiority complex and we acted as if it was our exclusive property. But, then one day we all grow up. When I say we all grow up one day,  I mean to say that we grow up to find out, our why[s] in life that bugs us whole life. If we try to find the answer we all do sure find out our answers.

Most recently, I read Khushi by Bijay Kumar. He is that few journalist I used to watch, read and believe. It is however interesting to learn that, after reading his autobiographical book my opinion about him did not change; not even by an inch.  How come it's possible ? There is so much ups and downs of his life in the book. He had poured his soul out and yet no change in my opinion about him ! This book cannot be said bad from any angle, yet; for me, my opinion about the journalist did not change after getting all his inside information.

Why ? This simple question bugged me, I mean seriously bugged me off. But, then in that very perplexed mind of mine is what I have found my profound answers of my life. At times Bijay Kumar is down to earth and suddenly he sounds so arrogant. He is polite and so judgmental at times than he is expected. There are times he is so perplexed and then yet forgiving to people who caused some hindrance in his life. He also forgave those who threw crisscross in his career while they stayed in the dark. This book is all about, how his career was still on track despite his personal and professional struggle in his life. To find an answer of his life, of his emptiness he goes in a journey to find who he really is. He very honestly tells us how helpless he was to help himself in so many situations he finds himself. Mostly, it's our crab’s-leg-pulling mentality in office that grips my society, to be honest with it grips our nation. He is brutally honest to tell us whenever he could not face the sleuth people in his office, he left the job, again that put him in financial pressure.  I did not find any answer there, how to face such situation of our country.

But then at one point he clearly writes he is a brand and he could not pay a loan to his friend. Well. I think he saying that he is a brand and yet not having a clue why the biggest brand of Nepali media had no clue how to pay ten lakh [one million] to his good friends. It really intrigued me. He is indebted to his good friend but, a good brand that is in the market for about 20 years, was not able to make him able to clear his dues. The brand of the media should have been able to help him pay that much money in less than six months, not just get it easily. But, he tells you the truth that, he was not able to pay that in about eight years also. Is he right then, when he says I am the brand. Where he is wrong when he thinks he is the brand ? Being most famous, popular as well as brainy and not knowing how to use that popularity of brand to make more money for him that he can earn sufficiently at the same time pay his dues right on time ? This has been one of my problem also, but somewhat not convincing in his narration.

And suddenly, it hit me that, what is my problem was also his, and the entire societies. But, then; may be for this very reason is the problem of most of the people here in Nepal. No answer offered, so no useful for future reading of this book. As for his spiritual journey, I have traveled that path when I was writing my own blog. I have found my own answer.  May be more than that, I have read people who are world famous to help people and guide people in their spiritual journey. Therefore, his book  was not much help for me.

However, reading that book just reminded me that it was in fact a gift of my life to be found in orphanage. Now I have realized, time I have spent there is equal to universe for me as it offers me answers of all the perplexing things of my life.

Well, I have found some of the complex answers in my life when I kept writing my blog. It was a self journey for me. I was writing for me not for anyone, putting it in words was combating fear of my life, finding who I am, where I come from and what I should pretend and what I would not. While I was writing it, I have no pressure to please anyone, no intention to hurt anyone. Sure, some of my post was not liked by the people who were with me when I was growing up in Bal Mandir. Couple of them felt I was after them for this or that reason which I never understand why they felt it that way.  I was even blamed at one point I was so ungrateful to the man who had sent me to college, who was more of my father. His daughters wanted me to delete the post that was about her. They tried to bring their father's influence in me and my life when I was refusing to delete it.

It was hard time when you know how much you love and respect him. It was also the time learning that sure I love me too and I respect me as well. Why will I do anything to harm anyone or show my disrespect to anyone. If I do it, it's for a reason and that reason has no intention to harm anyone for whatsoever. Then, I learned my real worth and value !

When I was reading the book China Harayeko Manchhe by Hari Bansha Acharya, who was suffering from low self esteem like 98.9% of the children in Bal Mandir. That really made me  think hard. But when I saw the same problem in Bijay Kumar I wonder how come ? Because like Hari Bansa he was not literally an orphan boy. As for Bijay Kumar, just his father was not in his life, when he was growing up.

I grew up in Bal Mandir, offers me all the answers to the difficult questions of my life. Now, it's not just the title of my new article or title of the book, I will publish one day. Now, it's my mantra too ! One thing for sure; I am not going to allow anyone to reject me, just because I grew up in Bal Mandir. I now know, I am the luxury, like that glittering diamond, pride and prestige of many big social workers, big projects that runs around us all the time. Some guys who dated me and then walked out, knowing I grew up in Bal Mandir, because I have power to make him feel small but he never came with status  that have power to over shadow my background. Without me [ or the people like me ] so many good big heart social workers can't have the busy life in society. And what about the name and fame they enjoy in their circle ? Reading Khushi tells me inferiority complex is not our exclusive property which I thought it was ours but its national issue. Don't believe me ! then; all you just have to do is read his book and get what is exactly  he was struggling for.

You offend me !

Whenever a person pops in my chat room to say, ‘I am sorry to know you grew up in Bal Mandir’ that makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. Many of them say it when I post my blog link on my Facebook status. Let me put it straight here, you offend me whenever you say this line. It does not even matter who you are. Why are you feeling sorry for the knowledge that I grew up in Bal Mandir, when I am not ! Why should I be ?  Do you want me to be ? but why ? 

Most of the times they are stunned with my response !

Sometimes, I end up arguing them in my chat room for their shallow concern and at times even nice people find me very rude but should I be rude to those who just pops up and say I am sorry to know that you grew up in Bal Mandir, who just presumed that I post my memory on my blog to gain sympathy.

Posting my blog is not about seeking sympathy. I do not seek sympathy, I have no hunger for pity and I am intolerant for shallow concerns about my condition. What I know about it is, all of them, [well  majority of them] are  fake, fake and fake only. No wonder, it makes me feel so uneasy and uncomfortable. There was time, I did not used to say a word about it but now I am not that Sunita who used to be 20 years before. Slumped in low self esteem, who used to get intimidated by those who grew up in family. 

Now, I am up instantly for an hour long debate on it.

I have tried to make people understand, through my post that living in Bal Mandir is not something I should feel inferior about, or be sorry for or seek sympathy. Many of them seem to be refusing to understand my thought, so I also refuse to understand their fake emotions when ever they say sorry you dont have parents.

Yet, there are people who really think, I should realize; its a sorry state and condition. It seem that people in my society are more negative thinking than understanding the reason behind it. Here in our society they would like to say negative things for you or feel sorry for you for your condition. There was time I used to feel sorry for my bad condition. Sorry because I was made to and bad because we were customized to feel bad about we ending up in Bal Mandir. 

The junior staff at the Bal Mandir made believe us its Karma, due to our bad deeds in our previous life we were punished, so we ended up there. It took me years to understand that Bal Mandir is not a jail, we did not ended up there, because we had done anything wrong like the people in jail or I have my direct hand at the age three in the flood that swept the entire village and we ended up in Bal Mandir.  I have written so much about it in my blog, yet people still keep telling me ‘sorry to know that you grew up in Bal Mandir.’ Let me tell you one more time, why feel sorry for me when I am not sorry for being raised in Bal Mandir.

I was not raised by parents. Parents whose world is so limited that their family means, their children and their family members only. They are so much gripped in I me and my family; where as the people who  operated the Bal Mandir and donated and devoted their lives to make sure that we get good life when we grow up; despite we not being their children. The sponsors mostly from the developed country used to pick a child from the picture and then they picked the education bill until we finished school. Some lucky like me also got a chance to finish our college education. Some of them used to visit to see how the children they sponsored are doing, and how they can be more helpful. I never have one of those sponsors but that did not mean I was deprived of educations. I really have not seen or read about such practice here in my country  yet there are people who feel comfortable to pour meaningless sympathy and pour out tsk tsk in loads with long sorry face that you wonder are they sorry for us or they are the one who are in search of sympathy in their own life ?

I am sure some of them need more sympathy and pity than we deserve.

There were girls like Radha and Nirmala. These names strike in my mind even today, who hated the word, ‘poor girls’ whenever some office staff or the somebody who visited Bal Mandir used it for us on our face. Then, I did not realized it until recently what made them so angry about those two compassionate words then ? Even in their teen years, they hated the shallow concern and fake sympathy. Me being a slow to get it, have to go in college to understand. Once, when I was in college one of my friends mother gave me a cold hug vocalizing, she felt sorry for me. It was then I get it,

I just hated that cold hug and fake sympathy. Her sympathy was anyway not going to send me to college or make me dependable later in my life. Because, Bernhard was picking up my college bills and sending me to me college to make me independent in my life. Interesting he n ever ever said I am sorry for you or gave me one of those cold hug. It was around that time, I understood why such cold hugs or shallow is so useless and meaningless ! There was just one Bernhard who came forward to help me in true sense, rest all the other people whoever expressed their baseless and meaningless concerns was fake fake and fake. needless to tell you I grew up hating it. Had I not been careful, I might have turned into the victim of people taking advantage of my condition that suited them mos;t not me.  

Let me share one more incident with you. When I was in college, or while I was working in office I never used to talk about the time I have spent in Bal Mandir. Its not that I was embarrassed or shy about this reality of my life. I just hated to gain some unwanted attention or sympathy from people around me. This was also the best and only way to keep my boyfriends but the moment I tell them I grew up in  Bal Mandir, I give them licence to treat me like second class citizen as their view of me  changed overnight. 

It also made me wonder, what is love or feelings anyway ? Or what is pride and prestige anyway, which can be changed with just couple of words like Bal Mandir or my life.  But, now when I write about my life and experience, its purely not to gather fake sympathy from strangers. 

I do this to understand me and to understand the people around me.

This line - I am so sorry - for your condition is total ignorance of my thought on the reality and the life which I lived in Bal Mandir and which shaped my thought now. Unlike the people who are raised by self centered parents for whom the world meant is to raise their own child and love them and pick up their bills. However, being raised in Bal Mandir means to come across to those people who not just take care of their own children but also take responsibility of others like us in many ways. Nah, not all the time they were rich but they wanted to be make sure that we also have a dignified life later in our life.

To be honest, I really don't understand why do I have to be so offended by the ignorant people who refuse to understand the kind of life I had and how it changed my take on life. I only wish there was some adult to make us understand all this when I was young sadly there were none. My case is different but if they did not have parents, who could make them understand the difference in life ? Parents are not worth missing in life.  

That is why I say you offend me ! when you say, you are sorry to know that I grew up in Bal Mandir, because I am not and will not be just because you feel sorry for me.

Note : Before this also I have posted a blog based on this, which you can read full in these two post or what about  I am so sorry and No sympathy, please, I could brag but I wont.

Lucky me !

• When I see this small child who is less than three years old, being beaten by his mother; it's really not easy for me to take it lightly. As I did not grew up in family to take it as normal, presuming that this kind of scene happens in every home. It may be because if we used to eat leftover food in Bal Mandir it was reported on national papers and people presumed we always eat leftover food all the time. And if there is this kind of brutality of physical abuse by our caretakers then this kind of news really used to make a huge cry in society. This is very hypocrite behavior. its accepted by a mother and parents but not by a irate caretakers. Of course, when I was growing up in Bal Mandir, I just did not know about all this may be I was too young to pay much attention to the newspaper craps. To some its a politics and to some writers this kind of news, which can give them instant popularity. 

Ture, Bal Mandir is the place where you can see all kind of people with all types of intentions. There are good good people who have good heart and there are bad people who are working for them yet waiting for some personal gains. Recently, I  read in a national daily that Rabin Shrestha who is 43 years old working in fund raise department  in Bal Mandir raped 13, 14, and 15 year old autistic girls and he was not alone to sexually molest those young girls in Bal mandir. There was another man named Rabin Chalise also. But then there are some good hearted human right activist also, who talked to these girls and then sent these molesters to 16 and half years jail term.

I have  been in contact with Bernard for more than 20 years now.  In 1989, when he started helping me to finish my college I was only one but today he is helping 100 more and there are long list of people who have gone to good school and college because he wanted us to get the good education. Now, his Prabina Foundation not just makes sure that the needy children get good education but also good environment; where they can stay and go to school. So, this foundation also runs a Prabina Home in Kathmandu. I have first hand knowledge to say how some people dedicate their entire life to make sure that we get good education and life. They are not the one who exploit the children.

Ironically, most of the times its the staff in children's home, be Bal Mandir or other small children homes where needy, vulnerable and destitute children are kept. Then there are some small time donner[s] who would like to receive something in return, once they give couple of bucks. Pastor Rajan Neupane who  also runs a children's home near by Sun City helps me to get this matter pretty clear. They have strict policy not to let any donors to stay in their children home, even if they would like to donate them handsome money to run the children home. One must be aware that, in every children home money is always the much needed thing and some donner really would like to take  undue advantage of such need  to run it and vulnerability of the young child in children home. I have seen really bad and sad condition in some Indian children home that makes the headlines in news paper before it ending in the crime shows tear jerker.

How some people really see opportunity to make money in children home is so ill thought and it sure do make us sick to our stomach but whether we like it or in reality there are alway people who will keep doing so and keep taking advantage of those people, and also journalist who will keep their hawks eyes in this place. What to say about those who steals from those children or the one who work in these places thinking they can have free access to those young girls, where they can sexually molest them.  

About six months before one such false sexual molestation news break on national news paper really spoiled the image of a good hearted social worker in just a day. All her good work of 20 years was gone into the drain. what can you say about such journalist who seek instant fame ? Why its so hard for people to accept that it's ok to be abused by  parents but not in children homes ? why ? if parents can have hard times in a day break sometimes can't the staff at the children's home break loose ? or they are paid so they are not expected but  parents are not paid so they can do what they can ? or they are the one who give their child birth so they can do what they can ?

Its not that  Mamta don't shower her young child with excessive love when things are normal but when she gets mad things are really ugly. Can't help but think it was better to be raised in Bal Mandir because there were not overdose of love and overdose of abuse. I think too much of everything  imbalance life.  Ever since  I have seen this I started resenting this kind of unpredictable behavior  in a matter of a moment. I think this kind of behavior is the reason behind the crimes people commit in society. Are not most of the the heinous criminals and murder are raised  by mood swinging mothers ?

I keep watching crime shows and always try to understand why some men commit crimes. Sometimes my mind wanders in the wild zone while trying to find the answer. I have seen sometimes some men are so sweet in a moment and then their mood swings just like that and then suddenly they are unpredictable in next moment and then they end  up committing crime with that wild mood swing. Did this boys [men] were raised by mother who is so unpredictable like Mamta ?

I have read in a survey that children who are raised by caretakers are better than the children who are raised by parents or mainly mothers. Now I think Lucky me ! There were not the mother like Mamta who showered me with love in a moment and then went into unthinkable rage in the next. What difference it makes even that kind of mood swings makes her cry once she beats her own child brutally ?

Me as Sexual assault Victim

Gopal and an another guy whose name I don't even know was having a minor dispute. They were in bit lower part of the area than me and I was standing in upper row of the land. Gopal was maintaining his ‘cool’ but it was obvious that the other guy was having hard time to remain polite. No doubt, he was so unnerved by what he just had seen.

Up from my place I could not hear what they were discussing and why one was so agitated   and why Gopal was so calm and composed even hearing his young friend’s in angry tone. Up from there watching both of them, I was thinking the guy who was angry was on the wrong side and Gopal was just being polite. Later on I checked with Gopal what they were discussing and why the other guy was so angry with him ?  Then it hit me that Gopal was trying to escape from the unwanted situation and the younger guy wanted him to stand for  one a girl in the picnic team, who was handled with  wrong intention badly by the bad guy and that to he was not the stranger in the group.

I get really mix kind of feelings to see the two side of a man, at the same time; when one man assaults or rapes and at times kills a girl/woman and the other other man feels more angry than the women who are victim of the rapist sick mentality. Ok leave the big picture now; as I am going to focus on the guy who was assaulting a girl in the picnic team.

Here I have to admit it now I still have not talk about this issue until  now to anyone. Knowing me being so strong yet not having the courage to talk about it even to my closest friends until now.

It was that guy vary guy who used to sexually abuse me when I was younger than 10 years, perhaps I would have been eight or nine years old.  This did not happened in Bal Mandir but it happened in the School. I see me in my memory lane today; me crying and trying to run away from him and he corning me with an ugly look on his face and a stone on one of his hand to throw at me any time if I tried to escape from the direction he wanted me to run and hide. I think that stone was his tool to scare me, not to really use. The place where he used to corner me was one of the most quiet place in Bal Mandir.  

This, in fact; used to be the place where we used to hide ourselves behind the trees, if we have to hide ourselves from the adult. This place was outside wall that separated the big lawn in front of our school. There is one small place that is behind the wall, covered with tall grass and trees. Its shape is triangular, thus we used to call it teenkune for our easiness.  This used to happen almost at the same time when the bell used to ring to announce the start of the class. Once we were there, he used to put me on his lap. He used to put his spit on his finger and then he used to touch my private parts and then maybe he used to insert his fingers. It was so hard for me to open my eyes and look into his face;  I hated every minute of it. I hated this guy and I really wanted to run away from him. He was not much older than me may be about 5 -6 years more than me but even today I really don't know that exact difference. I must have missed many of my classes due to his abuse and ill-intention but today its bit blurred in my mind that how much all this affected my study but that deep seated hatred has not gone yet.

I was never a crybaby nor the the kind of girl anyone could bully me or intimidated me under his/her influence regardless of their age.  Yet, the reality was perhaps some called it denial. Even worse part of it was, this was something I could never ever talk to anyone, not even with my best friend. I was not the kind of introvert and tolerated people for their bullshit either yet I just could not talk about this with anyone. It sure has to do with our society's way of viewing sex as taboo and the one who is involved in it has to have a character issue.  No wonder, I used to get irritated in front of him and I used to blabber in a way it was not easy for other girls to understand me why I was so uneasy and uncomfortable around him. I once remember I was blabbering seeing him in dance room and I was so agitated in front of all my friends that he hit me  on my face with his fist. The force of it was so hard  that it pilled my soft skin from the face. It sure was so not easy for other girls to understand my behavior, who viewed this guy as a normal guy and just like other guys who were in Bal Mandir. I really have not spoken about it and this is first time I am talking about.

For some reason once I was in dance group when I was around ten years old all this suddenly stopped. However, that was the face I hated most, not only in Bal Mandir but in my life also. Even today after all this years I hate to take his name and not just that name as his name; but all the guy who shares his name; lacks my unconscious respect which I can't control even if I really want not to see them as the guy who sexually abused me when I was so young. I mean to say that hatred has not faded out even the time has passed by decades.

Even if, I myself have been the victim of sexual abuse and rape later on I still strongly believe, rapist should not be punished hang to death; its only the short term solution and the angry decision is not the justice. We women have to decide we want sympathy or the long term decision. Agreed, I want to kill my rapist but I don't want to spend rest of my life behind the bar after that, because I am worth a lot better life than that. Fine, I can't trust him that he will not do it again with another woman but still the death penalty is not the lasting solution. Here I am talking about justice, not the angry decision or individual decision on this matter. To be honest they should be faced boldly and we must gather enough confidence to look into their eyes and say that, “you can't control me” or “even if you want to I will not allow you to do so.” Trust me it kills men more than the death sentence itself. There are kind of men in our society,  the abuser and the rapist falls in this category hate the confidence we women exude in us. Lets face them !

Emotional Violence

It seems I am a kind of nagger when I remember the harsh behavior I had faced during my time in Bal Mandir. They used to use very demeaning words to scold us, respect was the unheard word and dignity ? what it is which birds name it was ? They took pride in degrading us using derogatory language most of the time. even the calling was not so good experience and tell me tell you even the children used to use almost the same tone to each other not just adults. At times it was as close as treating like dogs. No, No not the dog owners who treated them with respect like the PETA members. When I look back and try to understand, sometimes, I think maybe I am just too sensitive or touchy to feel that way but the harsh truth cant be changed just because it was painful for us to experience it like that.

In recent years, I started watching some crime shows, to study human behavior and to understand why some people behave the way they do and why do they commit crime ? Most of the crimes takes place in family members and the victim are dear ones. When police try to connect all the dots during investigation it reveals that some crime was the result of   emotional violence which they face years and one day it burst up in such a way that it sheds blood like anything. It shocks the town and then is the time when people stops believing even in the blood relationship.

Recently, I was watching the webbed a program that comes in MTV there was a brother who stole the girlfriends of his younger brother for very short time; so that he can hurt him. Instead he wanted to hurt his father but to him if he hurts his brother it will indirectly hurt his father who was dotted in his younger son compared to his older one. The oldest one thought he had tormented his life when he was young. His father had kept his brother with him but sent him to the boarding school because in his own word his father wanted him to fulfill his ‘second hand dream’ which he never wanted to live.

With his one act he broke the heart of his younger brother, the girl got killed when they took the wrong medicine from the internet to abort the pregnancy that was caused by the older brother. All this brother wanted to do was to take a revenge with his father and not even his younger brother. This shows the  dark side of inferiority complex which the oldest brother had been living for so long. At this moment, I must tell you that the youngest brother was loved and liked by his father and was much successful in his career than his oldest brother.

In our society its also called act of jealousy. But the root of it has in home and the father had cultivated that in the young mind ever since he was very young. And the result was very scary and an innocent girl had to sacrifice her life.

It is natural not everyone is equally bright and smart and not all can't do good like their siblings and then they suffer long or commit suicide due to excessive comparing; or live life under the shadow of his/her bright and smart sibling, which again is not good for anyone who is not smart enough for the world. The movie Tare Jamin Par sheds some light on this matter how parents discriminates among their own child and how it impart on the young mind; especially when they don't know how to say it. We need to do something on this matter rather than saying he is so jealous or envious of his.

Last year, I saw one more such real life crime case which shook my soul and made me ponder why some young people commits crime ?  In a remote village of India there was a girl of 16 years, who fell in love with a guy who were not from her own caste. The villager were against it and worse than that, her own family members were against it. She belonged to a very small town where the thinking pattern of the people were even narrower than the town itself. To keep her away from the boy, her parents  sent her to the other town to stay with her relatives; presuming out of sight and out of mind would work on this matter. But she was young and the boy was not out of mind, indeed it works as reverse psychology. More she was told to stay away from him, more she wanted to be with him. What is even more hard to swallow that she was not trusted to go out from her new place even to take a fresh breath of air and she was given her meal in her room which was locked when no one was around.

Having been grown up in Bal Mandir my personal experience says that, if you treat people like an animal, they will surprise you acting like one. This is a human tendency. So, one day she felt she must escape from the caged life. But she was locked in her room and the key of the outside gate was with the relative of her - aunt - who was alone at that time. Her uncle and cousin had gone out of home for for about a couple of days. She had to do something to got out and take the key. It so happened that in her desperation and anger she ended up killing her.

See, I am not trying to justify her criminal behavior but it was because of emotional violence she had to face for so long and ultimately one day she turned out to be the criminal at the young age of 16. Why because she was in love and wanted to be her boyfriend for the rest of her life and which was denied. Can we blame it entirely to her for the tragic ending of a live and her own life ending up in jail ?

There was another girl who committed suicide [again in India ] because she could not meet the expectation of her fathers demand to bring 98% in her final school exam. Do not presume she was a bad student, she was third in her class and her passing percentage was 89% but her father wanted it to be 98%. When the final exam came closer she felt the tremendous pressure and realized that she cannot make it even if she put all her might and knowledge so one day she took a bottle of poison and emptied it on her mouth. Before they   rushed her to the hospital she was dead.  When police wanted to file the case or give them clean chit, even then the father was in denial that he had anything to do in her death because he stressed that all he wanted was best for her daughter and good marks meant good education for her and good life. But what education if she had no life at all ? But the sad news is that the father will live on guilt all his life whether he admits it or not.

I know one thing for sure I am lucky in this matter, I was not raised in family and  the one who brought me up did not expected anything from me to be this or that in my life so there was no pressure me[us] to that extent that broke me like that. Oh  yes, they were paranoid about having a boyfriend and getting close with them. It really took me long time to understand that I was not that much violated to that extent in Bal Mandir during my childhood. Had I not seen those Indian shows and movies and real crime cases I would never ever have understood my own condition or be thankful to the condition that was a gift in disguise.  Emotional violence do have power to impact people for long time to come and the result at times is bit scary than we think it may bring.

Finding identity - I Discrimination and Determination

• Whatever Michael Jackson said about his changing color from black to white it was because he was not taken at par with white singers, although he was the King of Pop. Tiger Wood was trained by his father at the age of three to be the golf legend because of his fathers determination that the white people would not be able to discriminate black Americans anymore and definitely not his children. Obama was the dream of Martin Luther King who dare visioned the black president for US at a time when black Americans have suffered so much discrimination from white Americans. And Abraham Lincoln who was white but the son of a shoemaker had to face the insulting remarks from his fellow senators reminding him about his father when he stood to deliver his first speech. Well, they wanted him to look at their shoes and told him to repair it. Remember here, by this time he was newly elected President of US.

In the above case its not just about the act of discrimination but determination of those victimized have changed the situation. Was it our fault if some people discriminate us so badly based on our background and make us feel bad for our condition all the time ? And oh yes, they remembers to remind us on every given opportunity like Lincoln had to face or in my case in not said words - that you are raised in Bal Mandir and there is divine punishment associated with your life ? I doubt so. Most of the time people  simply pass on what they feel deeply but, unconsciously; and they think we also have to feel the way they feel about ourselves.  Fine, the truth is; majority of lower class people still feel insufficient in front of rich  people or people in power for no reason. Should all that must add to our inferiority ? Should their superiority behavior, has anything to do with our own low self esteem and then make us feel humiliated for no reason ? If not then what is this ?  

This is what I tried to find out in my last blog post. And I keep digging deeper to find more about it. Self esteem is just a state of mind and it is unseemly interconnected with superiority/inferiority complex. What is so interesting is; we ignore the reality that this low self esteem and inferiority complex is not the exclusive property of the people who come from the poor family back ground. I can say this with my  personal experience. I know a lady, who used to be in the management of Bal Mandir during my childhood. When I was in college she was the one who was there to make sure I finish my college, keep in mind she was appointed for this job. 

Despite her disapproval and resentment of my idea to complete graduation I got opportunity to complete it; because Bernhard who was supporting me for my college study did not see anything wrong if I wanted to complete my graduation. During that time and in the following years, surprisingly, there were times, everything I said used to offend her, and everything she replied used to be so defensive; which kept me wondering for so long. I did not know it then; why she used to react like that and it really took me long what is was. Having been raised in Bal Mandir, I used to think being touchy, fragile self esteem and inferiority complex is our exclusive property but why she was behaving like that and wanted to claim her exclusivity in all that ?  There is difference there when they say about fragile self esteem; they make it pride and prestige issue. When they say it was their prestige at risk they fight for the reputation and all we feel insulted and humiliated ?

Oh yes, there are times when we need to know, when not to be the part of such competition and let others win. This is one of that time when they win and I be happy.

Now, we are living in a society where men still refuse to give us equal status in society we call 21st century. This is really shocking to accept. We don't mean to undermine their status and position, we think that we are equal and we should be on the equal footing on every aspect of life. On this gender biased society, one gender is facing tremendous disrespect and discrimination almost like second class citizen compared to male counterpart and this offends the female sex. It is viewed that being feminist is being rebellious. There are some parts in the world which make rules that, she should not have right to vote, choose man for herself, carry mobile, ride car, wear jeans or go to college. Malala a young Afghanistani girl was shot at, when she was 14 years old purely because she wanted to go to school. 

What is so interesting to pay attention is the country which bars women from such extremes are the one who do rank among the lowest in the global rankings of the countries in most of the parts compared to other developed nations, which are slowly changing its view on women and openly discussion on this matter.  The question is should all this add to our self esteem shrinking to the max and not even have confidence to look into any man's eyes to ask, “why you think so ?” Should we see us from his narrow lence and presume that we are really inferior to men in all sector ? I guess our answer has to be big No !

There is no doubt that, I grew up in a society where people suffered from not just low self esteem but also negative self esteem, which is very hazardous to the growth of a society as it has its lasting yet negative impact on every society.

Self esteem in fact is just a state if mind, and we are what we think about ourselves. Therefore, we are not what other people think about us. If we feel good about ourselves, we do not let others impact our own belief in ourselves. We unconsciously pass our self appraisal to others and people accept or reject us accordingly, in their own unconscious mind. Sadly, this is what  I have been unaware for so long. 

Back to my childhood, I would like to point out to the fact, that the very people who used to treat us roughly where the people who were hired to take care of us, by those who really wanted to give us better life. Had we not been in Bal Mandir, the staff at the top or lower level would not have got their job, which gave them pride and prestige in the society. This one truth makes so hard to shake my head off even today.

Here at this moment I remember what Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” and when we do not allow people to treat us the way they feel about ourselves; then conflict arise. How I wish, I knew it, when I was growing up in Bal Mandir.