Blown out of proportion

There are so many people in our life, who makes a mountain over a mole hill, whether we like it or not. Not surprisingly, I am surrounded by so many queens of sesame hills, well close, may be almost close. All of them are bit difference in this or that way but they blow things out of proportion well beyond the normal logic of a rational person, yes some one life me.

About three and a half years ago, there was sixteen hours of load shedding in a day, eight hours straight in every shift. This long hours of load shedding and low battery in my mobile and yet I have to wait until the light comes up to re-charge it. This type of condition, reminds me of one incident. I am pulled back in my memory lane. Luckily my hands were full for twelve hours and did not have to worry about the no light, no TV and no computer was not much of problem then, unlike now a days. However, long hours of load shedding, was more problematic, even to charge mobile and emergency light.

One day, when my phone battery was running low, a lady who is the chairwoman of a children home here, called me. Lets call her Madam S. She was talking in very panicked tone. Her irritated and agitated tone on the other side of the phone was clearly telling me she must have had a panic attach. She was very hyper and her high pitched tone gave me clear hint, how angry she was over the issue, she was relating to me.

This is one of those few moments she was agitated, irritated and crankier and had panic attach and yet it was not me, she was angry with.

When she was telling me over the phone with her reaction of the situation, she had seen on children home. She had such panic attach, that my mind started running fast, and faster as her tone pitched higher. I saw a man in his mid 20s, who is running after the girls there were 12 girls then age ranging from seven to 22, in the hostel [ children home] and the girls were trying to hide themselves in any corner available. He is not just running after the girls, he was also nude and obviously horny too, hungry to grab any girl for his need of the hour. I was stunned and shocked too, how could such thing could have happened ? But, as the stair of the all girls hostel is in such distance that anybody of that age could enter the building so easily.

Madam S. was still going on and on in her trademark hyper-pitched tone on the other side of the phone, my mobile now was plugged in to my charger, so, I could not even move around.

But, just then, I paid more attention, to what she was saying. She was telling me, a friend of Nisha Shrestha & Puja Shrestha had stayed in the hostel for overnight. A girl, may have tipped this to her, so after haring the news, she made a quick visit to the children home. Then like every teenage girl, she too hid herself inside the toilet.

When they could not find, the girl inside the hostel, they waited. They were clueless, but at the end, they found out that the girl had been hiding herself inside the toilet.

“How undisciplined these girls are, how can they do some thing like this ?” she wanted know, and as if my answer will satisfy her. Instead I remained quiet and was angry for making this small issue sound so uselessly big. I do have a 0% respect to all those who says a mouse is as big as an elephant, honestly speaking detest them.

Me having been grown up in Bal Mandir, this is something amusing stuff to me and in fact I liked it also, provided without her irritation and panic attach. Personally, for me this is such a minor issue not even worth mentioning it to anyone, but she was making a mountain over a mole hill.

This is a small mistake any college student around the world makes; and is one of the most harmless mistake, which tells adult, that they are growing up and needs to do some thing the adult does not approve off. Nothing to worry about and nothing to panic or go hyper, the way she was going.

But, Madam S. is Madam S. that was a kind of an act, which was intolerable and unacceptable mistake from the girls staying in the children’s home. I am sure she must have been on medication to control her blood pressure, during that time [late 2008].

“What would the parents of the girl think ?, if they find out she had spent her night in the hostel ?” she wondered and then she added that, “hostel does not have that big budget, to manage those unplanned night stay.”

What ? now a days girls are on diet before they are even a teenagers and 12 girls, little bit from every plate is more than enough to fill one extra plate, I thought. This nagging reaction from Madam S. left a void in my head for so long. Why so small issue like that is so big for her, to had a panic attack like that ?

I am full grown now and I should have understood the caring and concern in their voice, but instead it worked the opposite. I just stared to have less and less respect, more I get a change to read their mind. The phone call and her reaction, made me understand, the difference between uncomfortable with suffocation and uneasy with smothering, which made me feel profoundly thankful to God, for not having mother in my life. Who knows she could have been like her so smothering and so suffocating.

Today, I don’t not remember, she blaming it to Nisha, for calling her friend to stay in the hostel. But, what I do remember is, Ritu [she just died recently] defending Nisha for that blame and saying, “it was Puja, who had invited one of their class mate for the night stay over. When the situation took U turn, the blame was on Nisha.”

Who invited or who stayed and who got the blame is not much of the important issue here. In that void state of mind a question kept ringing, “what would parents think ?” the question echoed in my ear, long after, she hung up the phone. For Gods shake, children’s Home, is just a girls an orphanage, not a brothel, even to cross that question in her parents mind or more importantly to Madam S. I bet the girls parents knows their daughter, a lot better and won’t blame it to her class mates, if something goes wrong in her life.

Why cant the girl’s parents not be happy, that their daughter, was sound and safe in the children’s home with so many other girls, instead of landing in wrong place ?

But this one question, will never ever cross the brain of Madam S.

Chicken Cubes

Like all orphanage Bal Mandir also gets gets occasional donations from irregular donors, in from of food, and not all types of food mellows on the normal food nor the it could be mixed with our regular foods, such as chicken cubes. Somebody had donated, I don’t know how much, but many cartoons of it, to be used for the children. Small portion of donations invite more irregularities in its use, as those do not fit the exactly to feed the around 200 children, but come on it was chicken cubes so, I guess it escaped those corruption which could have been best for us. other better tasting foods always finished faster than it needed.

We used to have pudding in the morning, every day for years and years and years as the roasted multi grain flour came from America without fail and it came in abundance to have it in our morning and day mid-day snacks. Yes, they tried it in many ways to give us. Nepali meal at 8:30 before school and mid-day snacks at 1:00 [during school break time] and then evening meal at 6:00. So chicken cube did not fit in, any kind of food we take. But, it was a donation and the rule of donation is to use it anyway. How is not important, right.

Not knowing, how to use it, but have to use it condition, they started giving it to us by mixing it in the morning pudding, which needed sugar for seasoning and chicken cube without a fail contains too much salt in it.

At some point I have stoped talking my morning pudding for some time just cant remember when. Could this be the time ? Damn my bad memory power !

Forget it now, that it spoiled the taste of pudding, it also gave the nasty color to the lovely looking and yummy tasting pudding in the morning. And then there were always the Chef Ramsay Gordon copy cats. In my case it was SanuMaya Tamang, who replaced him in his absence, “this pudding just looks like a baby shit”, just when I was about to put in my mouth.

When this made my mood go sour and I am about to push it aside to throw it on the dust bin more because of the comment than the taste that chicken cube spoiled, then she would add next, “what have I said wrong ? cant you eat it now ? you are not royals to throw the foods”.

While growing up in Bal Mandir, it was taken for a granted that, we do not respect ourselves and to each other. Self esteem was hugely vanished things in our life. This really hammered my brain trying to understand so hard for so long, why we acted like that ? or more than that treated each other like that ? But today its no surprise thing, for me to learn, it was because the grown ups around us [including junior and seniors staff at Bal Mandir], just did not show us an ounce of respect and so the children just copy it from them, not even knowingly why.

For Gods shake, we were growing up in an orphanage; they [ the staffs ] were all there to take care of us; but, instead those staffs were the one who made us feel inferior and bad from our skin. They vocalised our conditions to curse us or make us feel bad for more than any other person alive on the planet. Its still hard for me to know the exact reason behind those mindset. As a child we just bought the concept that we are not worthy of anything especially respect and self esteem.

Every body knows, grown ups hate their jobs; but when those staff hate their job for this or that reason they end up hating us.No, its the job they hated and not me but like so many others who grew up in Bal Mandir and any other orphanage know this very well, that I was their job. I just could not shake my head off, even today, that they hated their job not me.

And who on earth will mix chicken cubes, on yummy dish like pudding ? It was like telling someone who is so fond of ice cream to enjoy it with a Nepali pickle - hot and spicy.

What made him so angry ?

Bal Mandir with 200 children inside it always needed a dog or two to protect them for this or that reason . But for some strange reason, it had mainly female dogs, not the male dog [ or I just don't remember it quite right, but what I remember is, there used to be bunch of puppies every winter].

There used to be a man, whose name was Kanchha Dai. He used to clean main kitchen and the big pan, in which they used to cook food for us. He was quite normal when he was surrounded by the ladies [room maids] while doing his work. But when he used to see the doggy he lost his temper. He used to catch it and then raise it above his head and then bang he used to throw them on the floor as if he is throwing a heavy stone on the floor.

Dogs just got on his nerve, but the question till today remains in my head; why he was so angry with dogs ? He used to hit them and kill them.

While growing up in Bal Mandir, it was quite a common sight for us, to watch him hitting dogs with sticks or big stones; whenever they came close to him, and those occasional rising it above his head, holding it with both of his hands and banging them on the kitchen floor or wherever was just to much for us to understand it. Even today.

Once, I do remember they killing a dog [as they say mad dog] which I don't know what mad dog was then. They trapped the dog in our class rooms, which had wide open ventilation that was open in our front yard side and they just killed the dog with such brutal way, its not easy for me to go in to detail of how ruthlessly the dog was killd. Big boys were also in this killing and yes, of course, our Kanchha Dai, was always ready to kill dog any time. Perhaps he would be ready to kill a dog even in his deep sleep.

Once, when he banged a doggy there was rumour, that the doggy was pregnant and that bang just miscarriage its pregnancy. He was brutally ruthless towards dogs and I am curious now, to know why was he so angry all the time ? why those dogs made him so angry ?

Some times, when he was working with ladies he used to show them, his hand from back side, trying to fix it on the air. It always used to shake, just like that. They told them, that he must have killed a cat, to have such shaky hands. It is believed that, the cat killers cant fix their hands, on the air just like that.

Oh My God ! the sight still haunts me so badly, when I see dogs matting during the mating seasons; but the scene reels in my head from my childhood days. Those continuous bang on the matting dogs on the part they are joined from back to back, in an effort to separate them from for long hours of matting. Of course went in vain, however the bang never stopped for next time. It just wont go away from my head. Because, I just grew up watching it before I was even ten or younger than that, not even knowing, why was he so angry with dogs ? what made him more angry when he say those dogs mating.

Some childhood memories just keep haunting for life, specially when you try to understand those, who are hard to understand and their behaviour. What could be worse, you cant even go and ask them, why did he did all that ? I mean really, why was he so angry about ? was he really angry with dogs or it was only the means to let his anger out ? The reason may have been different.

My brain just wont stop asking more questions.

How not to give

Ragini Upadhaya, an artist is a name which I know since my teenage period. Whenever I see her in page 3 I do remember one particular incident associated with her and I bet she probably wish I do not remember, what I could not forget in all these years. I do remember this artist nor for a good reason but some thing not so best side of her characteristics.

During the mid eighties she must have been the budding artist and so she was there in the Bal Mandir, to exhibit her solo paintings. Well not exactly in the Bal Mandir but the NAFA art Gallery is in the Bal Mandir premises; right ? unlike other artist she taken a small room for the solo exhibition. perhaps that particular room and side was for the rising artists like her. As I told you earlier in my other article on my post No eyes for painting, then NAFA art Gallery may have been the only such place in whole Nepal to provide a good platform to any rising artist like her. As it remained packed most of the time with lots of other exhibition so she may have got a chance to be seen in the crowd.

During her those time she got bit cozy with some of the girls in the Bal Mandir. I do remember a name so distinctively even today , her name was Kalpana Maharjan. As a growing up child, we used to sneak in all those painting exhibitions, regardless of we understanding or not. I was just the time pass for us. And yes we used to sneak in hoards mostly after school.

Not so surprisingly, some of the artist used to build some dot on some of the children who visited their exhibition. I guess all those artist were well aware that those children who came in hoards were from Bal Mandir.

I think its quite normal for outsiders like Ragini Upadhaya to feel a bit odd to see we all girls or boys in one color dress, more often if not all the time. so one day she told Kalpana to give her better dress than what she wore in Bal Mandir. This really exited Kalpana like anything for many days, although I do not remember now, how long her solo exhibition went then, was it 7 days [?], 10 days [?] or 15 days [?] or more than that, I do remember but she was there for quite some time doing her solo painting exhibition.

But, when Kalpana got the dress from Ragini, her excitement had vanished and that was replaced by sheer shock to see the dress. Perhaps she had given her kurta salwar. We did not used to wear those filmy dresses. We grew up wearing mostly western dresses as there was plenty in form of donation from western country and the Bal Mandir made for us frock or skirt with shirt instead of other kind of dress.

She was shocked not because of its color, as it was the only thing that was nice about the dress given by Ragini Upadhaya. What had shocked Kalpana, was the condition of the dress came in. No self respecting child, even if; she is growing up in an orphanage should or would were the kind of dress, which the artist had given to her. The fact was that the dress was not given to her but it was kind of throwing that dress. Yes the dress was worth throwing on the garbage and not worth wearing, it was kind of useful only to mop the floors. Bal Mandir with always around 200 children, don’t even need any one from outsiders to give something that will be useful to mop floors. In fact the dress was not even of the good quality to mop floors.

After more than 20 years, I would like to tell Ragini the artist, through this article, ‘givings must bring joy and smile on the receivers face, not the sadness in a child’s face.’

Kalpana was mildly mentally challenged girls, yet she vowed, not to take any any thing from her in future and also from any other person. That dress not only shrinked her being but also screamed in loudest tone possible, how outsiders like Ragini Upadhaya thinks, the children from Bal Mandir should cover themselves.

Thank God ! we grew up wearing dresses, staff of NCO and royals not only envy, but stole our share of dresses just because it was simple too good of a quality. Read my other articles on this: Truck load of Donation from America.

I do not wanted to die but they killed me

Its been long time that the news of drivers have been killing the half dead people on the road accident that otherwise could have cost them hell. Its easier to kill and then pay the punity damage after that, which is half a million Rs. But if some body does not get a chance to back the wheels and then crush the corpse then the half vegetable kind of body, will cost the driver more than, that half a million Rs.

Then the question rise, who made this law ? which give the idea to crazy drivers across the country, completely kill the person, who just met an accident ?

On the final day of mourning period of Rojan, I to was present and Dangol Sir, a staff at the Bal Mandir was also present there, at the rented combined house of Mirawati Shrestha [ Ritu’s middle sister] was telling almost the same kind of story. How a couple of days before only, a driver at the Lagankhel, rolled back his wheels and then crushed the man completely, who just fell under his wheels. Later Mirawati, told me that, he had been kind of helping them to run in the police posts.

One of the things that made me wonder hard, is how come a full grown person’s head is under the wheels, and yet the wheel is still on the motion, without even trying to find out what is under the wheel. As the news unfolded this is what happened in the case of Ritu’s death on the road accident.

Her head under the wheel, baffled almost every one of us. How come head and why not leg ? which normally comes under the wheel. No body lies on the street waiting for a wheel to come close and let it crush. This in fact spinned Urmila Basnets’ [a very close friend of Ritu] head so much, that she had to find out, what exactly happened on that day, that caused her head come under the wheel. She being the staff of traffic police, knew where to go and find the answer, so she went to the sketch artist to see the sketches which they had made after hearing the eye witnesses on the spot.

On that day, Ritu Shrestha had climbed on the bus, which was so overcrowded. So she just squeezed herself on the door side, trying to catch on whatever her hands could find in that dark as she could not enter much inside of the bus. Just when the bus started rolling, a jerk like break made Ritu fall from the bus, and to her bad-luck; she bumped with an electricity pole and then that force pushed her back towards the bus that was still on the roll, thus her head was crushed like a watermelon by the two powerful wheels of the back side of the passenger bus. During all this process, the bus was still on the move. Even after crushing the head, the bus driver was not slowing down, instead by this time he had picked up the speed on the road.

Because I ride scooter and know how tiny stone on the road can cause the trouble for me, as as protection i do try to avoid it from a good distance. Then how come a full grown human skull does not make any different to those big passenger bus drivers to stop and watch ?

However, one thing for sure I could not help, but keep thinking that; the sudden death of Ritu and this traffic rule of our country, left some hefty some to Rojan Shrestha [ Ritus’ only son], half a million Rs. from the careless driver as a punity damage for a life and then there will be Rs. 1.2 million from the insurance company. This is a new policy called the third party insurance. The process has already been on forwarded to Patan court, which the traffic police department do all the needed task, confirming the death on road accident. It might take some time, but he will get the the sum. I bet, Ritu had no clue how her sudden death, will make the life of her son.

Ritu’s middle sister, shared this to me, later on that, the day of the accident it was not easy to fall sleep and at last when she slept for a couple of minutes, she saw Ritu, telling her she in fact did not wanted to die; but they killed her. Coincidentally, Pramila Thienbaut [younger sister of Urmila Basnet], who is very close and good friend of Ritu, who lives in France also saw the same dream and it was shared when they chatted over phone.

Mirawati Shrestha, cant help but keep thinking hard, until her head gets dizzy, that how painful it could have been for her sister to be crushed by the powerful wheels, before she died on the spot and more than what makes her really worried, is will that driver spent his life behind the bar for killing her sister or will be back again at his work to kill more people without feeling sorry, when he stays behind the wheels ?