Is he really your father ?

“Have you heard of Suman ?” a friend of mine asked me recently during my visit at her place.  “Why, what happened to him ? I am not in his contact or anyone who is in touch with him.”  the way she asked me this question, I said all lines as it kind of tickled my curiosity to to know the other side of the story.

“He had gone to meet his father and asked him to give him some land, so that he can build a house here [in Nepal]” she said.

My eyes got wider, while fixing my eyes with hers. There was so many questions dancing in my eyes and hers seem to saying just like mines.

After a long pause, I could mustered a word, “really ? but I don’t know anything about it.   what did his father said ? ”,  I was curious to know more.

“He showed him land and told him to build a house in the center of his land.” she said. and then she continued again to complete what his father said, “you are my son, my property is your property and your property is my property.”

I hear that Suman’s [Dahal] father has a huge property of his own; which he has to distribute, to his many children from three wives. Suman’s father had  home in Sinamangle area, but they were displaced from there, when the TIA [airport] was needed to expand years before. If my information source is right, he lives with his big family in mulpani area. Honestly speaking, I really don’t know how much land he owns. But at the same time I also hear that their mother also had some land of hers, perhaps as a dowry but after her death it was gulped down my one of her brother.

His father’s response only, made me burst out into a really big laughter. Yeah, I know people find my sense of humour come in at times at very odd way but this one was really funny with a twisted sense of humour. But at the same time this also made us pull our heads together to discuss, how Suman and her elder sister had landed in Bal Mandir. Suman has one elder sister, Niru Dahal, my roommate and classmate, when I was child. After the killing of their mother; they were admitted to Bal Mandir.

Suman’s mother was the oldest wife, on all three. She was smothered and strangled to death by her husband, with the help of his mother. Their grandmother took the charge of killing her daughter-in-law and went to jail, saving his son and leaving behind him; so that he can have his life and to marry again and again. He married twice, after killing his first wife.

Suman and Niru Dahal both of them stayed in Bal Mandir; until they completed their SLC.  After that Nei [this is how I call her even today] went on to stay with one of her uncle, who used to work in Bal Mandir and she got married very young. I mean before she completed her college education. Suman, however was lucky one to have her uncles working in the NCO’s staff members; so they could influence others in their work force to get a sponsor at the age of sixteen. He was adopted by a French couple. Since then, he has been living and working in France. He completed his college study from France and started working there. Of course, he did marry a girl named Damu Sherpa. She is also from Bal Mandir.

Suman, asking some land with his father is some thing just did not click me. How come he can expect some thing from the man who killed his mother ? Just because he has property, does this mean he is going to give it to you ? Who is greedy here ? Suman, who expected he too should get a chunk of land from his father who was never his in my personal opinion and after knowing all the story I have heard about them or his father who had smothered first and then hanged his own wife and mother of his two children ?

Fine, when this incident happened; Suman could have been about four years old or may be younger, but just because he was young that does not mean he never grow old to understand the gravity of the situation and bond of relationship ? How old does one have to be; to read mindset of people around us ? why ? does age growth has nothing to do the growth of one’s mental age  ?

Suman’s life was like an open page, to all of us who grew up in Bal Mandir. His father was never there to raise him and pick up any cost involved in shaping his future in anyway possible. Then how come he can go to ask for a piece of land with his father ? Is the relationship is linked to how much property one’s parents has or how he treats his child in the years that lay ahead in our life ?

It only left me wondering more. Just because someone is your biological father, it also does not mean that, he will be there in your life for all the needs to be met ? And If he never ever was there to watch you grow and shape your future; does not this tells you whole different story to understand, why he was not there for you. How much one should feel attached to thier biological parents. Is the connection, is measured by how much he[father] has and will give you ? 

Is this really property issue or mentality of a person ?

Suddenly, I remember reading, when Opera Winfrey, plainly refused to see the man who claimed to be her father, who was never ever there to raise her and watch her growing. I absolutely understand, why she bluntly refused to see the man, coming from the dark and claiming to be her biological father.

Crush, Crushed

Bharat Dai had completed his SLC, when I was only in 3rd grade.  He was free, when he was waiting for his result to be out. Not surprisingly, he used to take tuition classes for us in absence of Supervisor Indra Karki, who used to take classes for children less than fourth grade. There used to be a tutor from outside to cover rest of the group. Perhaps the evening classes used to start at around 7:00 pm for about an hour and half that used to end at 8:30 pm. It was a daily routine; except saturdays and school holidays.

For some strange reason, I used to cause; so many problem to Bharat Dai. Calling his name and being racist. Now, it has a name like being ‘racist’, but back then, we simply passed comments based on his/her skin color. He was a black guy. In my personal opinion, if we are of almost the same color and pass comments on the color of the skin, its still not being racist, a white skin person passing a black skinned person may be called racist. Leave this logic behind, otherwise it is going to to cause more trouble for me to end it. As there are white Americans and then, there are black Americans.

He somewhat annoyed me to the max or perhaps; I used to show him pure disrespect as a teacher and also as a older person than me, He enjoyed punishing me. Reason could be anything. There used to be unwanted verbal war. Although, it amused my young friends at times, but maybe, it was not easy for Bharat Dai. So he used to punish me; the way he felt right. Of course, with that his raw age came more bit handy treating me roughly.  Honestly speaking, most of it, I have completely forgotten also.

By the time I was in 10the grade, he was about to become a doctor. He was the first one to go to Buddanilkantha School on scholarship.there he had studied from 4th grade till his SLC. First from the Bal Mandir to become a doctor and I think no other person has broken this record yet. Not to my knowledge yet.

When I was in 10th grade, suddenly, I had had a crush on Bharat Dai. It was pretty strange connection or interest as he was the one I fought when I was child. There was a good age gap, but I had developed a huge crush with him. they say when you are in love all the logic fails to explain anything. He used to visit Bal Mandir during his off days, when he could make it, but it was very rare by then.

When I was in college, I shared Pradeep Dai about my crush. It was also the time girls of my age never used to express the kind of feelings I was going through, to other person and definitely not any male who is older than me. But I see I was not good at bottling my feelings within me. Although he was bit taken aback with my expression but then he himself was dating with a friend of mine with whom, I was sharing rooms. That fact kind of  worked in my favour, as he promised to me that, he will pass it on to Bharat dai. He said he was his one of the closest friends and they were still in touch with each other.

One day Bharat dai, sure visited Pradeep dai, then they also visited in the apartment I was staying with Sanu, who was dating with Pradeep Dai then. Now, they are married and are proud parents of two daughters.

When Bharat dai saw me, there was no reaction on his face that I was crazy about him and he was pretty good at hiding it from me. He did not even say hi to me, when he saw me. There was a huge distance in between us and perhaps it was the age distance. But from my side when I saw him, that day all my crush just flew by. As he was not the kind of guy  anymore who always came in my mind. It is very hard to put this in words but may be his young image had stamped in my mind and I really really like black guys compared to white guy.

But more than that; it was his cold and aloof way of dealing with me, more than his age gap with me that changed my mind about him. He absolutely treated me like a stranger. But to Pradeep dai he left the message for me. Once he will finish his MD,he was to get marry with a girl, with whom; they were in a committed relationship for long time. He had just finished his MD, he had already crossed 30 years of his life and at that time it was regarded bit late for him to marry. when he had visited us  at that time. I Guess it was around 1992.  

Today, when I look back, I guess it's right for us to talk to the one, we had crush on, who knows, it will help us to get out of it soon than not talking to him and going crazy for the person, who gives you shit.

Bhatat Dai is practicing in Ireland and does not want to be known as the one; who once had spent his life in Bal Mandir [orphanage]. He is just not comfortable to accept it. As for me, for this very reason, there is nothing to feel sorry for what did not work for me. What kind of intellectual he is ? when he is  not comfortable to accept, who we are  and where we come from ? For me all the education he got, is such a waste. 

Why can’t Bharat dai feel good; that he is today a successful doctor even though, once he was growing up in an  orphanage here in Nepal ? What’s wrong admitting it to your colleagues ? Why let inferiority gnaw you ? Is this is crime to let people know that you are brought up in orphanage ? Tell me why, it is bad ? I remember this line from Eleanor Roosevelt who said : Nobody can make you feel, inferior without your consent. I guess, we were far more different individuals; and that difference was so obvious, when we choose to fight when I was so young.

In the Name of Prestige

I do not stay around, when Madam S. distributes money to college students or parents for the education fund under a Swiss Project here in Nepal. I do not stay around is not the right way of putting it, its that I am not needed to be there, when she does that major job of hers.  ‘Madam S’ is the Chairman of a Children Home here in Nepal, which is funded by a Swiss people.

One day, I just happen to be at the Children’s Home, when she was distributing money.  She had almost finished her distribution task, so I moved in the small room to sit in a chair, where two others were already there around a table. Treasure of the children home and the hostel in charge.  

Just then, Abhishek Thakuri, the brightest student of the project, entered in the room.  He had won 100% free spot on in his college fees for two years, due to his good marks he had obtained on his SLC. He is the student of computer science. That day, he was the last one to get his education allowance.

Before he took money, he had a request to make with Madam S, “can you please increase some food allowance for me, as I have been going to college every morning; drinking only cold water, as the money, I get is not sufficient.” He, then gave some stats to Madam S, how the money was not sufficient.

After hearing him, I also joined him and requested Madam S, “why not you increase it, because he had reduced his colleges fees for 2 years to nil.” When I finished my line, Prashant, treasurer [ son of Madam S ] also joined me, and added, “yes, why not.” But Madam S bluntly refused it.

She is the boss, so she can take any decision, she feels right, as per the situation. I then turned towards Abhishek, and told him that, “you are old enough to get up in the morning and make some tea, even if its black tea and take it with bread, before going to college.” for which he gave me very lame excuse, saying that he is just too tired to wake up and make it. “Bimala [she was my classmate, when we were in school] can make it for you, if you are too tired to wake up early in the morning.” He again had ready made answer for that also so responded “My mother also gets very tired in the morning to wake up and make tea for me.”  

When he left the room, I said to Madam S, “its very strange, when he says that, he had to drink cold water, before going to college, because he has house, so at least he can afford for black tea and bread before college.”

My remark offended Madam S out of nowhere, because whatever I speak, has to do to offend her and everything comes out from her mouth after that, is very defensive. “How can you say, it’s their house ? have you been there ?” She asked me. I replied, “No, I have not been there, but I know its their house.” My response added, like a fuel to her offensive nature, so she demanded to know, how I know its their house, and then said in very irkie voice, “I have been there, in their house and I have been there with Gabi also, before we took them in  project, have you been there yet ?

“Its so useless to tell you, what I know”, I replied back with stone face.

At this point, I must add one thing here, because she gets very irritated, when I am around her, so I consciously pay more attention; to every details of my behaviour, my tone and my look, whether, I am staring at her or not and my body language. Honestly every tinytiny details i pay attention. This is one part, I am very consciously conscious about, but she gets irritated, even if all those things are in perfect order.

“But how can you tell, it’s their house, when you have never been there ?” She kind of attacked me, as she has very dominating nature. Its only that, I am so not the kind of person, who gets intimidated by such personality.

This matter could have been died so easily. I told her something and she simply did not believe me, but this incident did not end like that. Two days back, I was again at the Children’s Home to settle, Nisha’s issue. Nisha, had left the hostel without proper communication and so Nisha was called along with Ritu [her guardian], to explain her side of story ?

As Nisha went up, for clearance of her stuffs, then in the meeting hall, Madam S spoke that Bimala [Mother of Abhishek & Alisha] was here yesterday, with a list to buy things for Alisha. I have seen that list two days back, some of the things on the list were, more than 100% of the market rate like school shoes, bags etc. “You know what, she cried, when I said, she has a house, so she can buy those things all on her own”,  she went on, “.... when she started crying, I was so embarrassed as Manish [Shrestha] was here with me.”

This narration stunned me, “...when I said, they have house you did not buy [believe] me, and you are telling all this. I am so surprised that this news have become bigger and bigger like a snowball, which is going to flat me on its way down.” I said in response.

She then counter questioned me, “you being so educated person, has to think twice before you speak and how can you say things like that ?  which you don’t even know ? can you produce me the house document they own ?” she challenged me from across the table.

“What ? produce a house document ?” Then I turned towards Ritu [she recently died in an accident], who is  very close family friend of the couple [Abhishek’s parents] to ask, is not this true they are staying in their own house?”, she nodded her head. It was then, I came to know that, they also had been collecting  about 10,000 Rs per month as a rent.

Madam S, was not convinced yet, so she said, “let's call a meeting, I will call Bimala and Krishna and then you also come in the meeting, with the document of their house,  let’s find out its their home or not.”

This statement made me mad like anything, “when I said, they own their house, you did not even believe it, now you want me to be in the meeting, you have blown things out of proportion and please, do not call me in that stupid meeting, I will not come.” I blurt out in anger. I added again, “I know you for more than 20 years now and I have not seen your house document and you expect me to produce [you], their house document, where I have never stepped in ?” I snapped out loud as this whole conversation made me so angry. It was the first time, I had such hot argument with Madam S.

Then she said, “I have my prestige you know.”  “I can understand when you say, you have a prestige, BUT when I said it, you just did not believe it and dismissed it in front of me, so for that matter you better don’t pull me again in this whole case and do what ever you feel like doing”, I was still angry when I blurted out above lines.

It was not hard to see, she was angry too. But her double standard character and unreasonably defensive nature just boiled me even more. Suddenly out of nowhere, in the midst of all that, she became so conscious, that we were shouting at each other and people must have stopped walking on the street, to listen what we were fighting about. She cooled down dramatically and lowered down her voice. If she cools down, it really infects me fast   just like her hot temper is so infectious. Now we shifted our focus to Nisha case. Another problem, which we have to settle for the time.

A family friend of Krishna told me that it must be Krishna, who taught his son to say that he has to go to college drinking just cold water. Krishna and Bimala both grew up in an orphanage located at panchkhal, a branch of Bal Mandir. Later on, Bimala was transferred to Bal Mandir.

A bright computer student of the college, who has both parents and a house that collects decent rent, who gets education allowance apart from food expenses for his education, that  statement was just too much. But more than that why I had to tangled in all this ?  

I just could not understand, why she brought me in the middle of all this whirlwind, when she simply did not believe what I said.

Bimala, offers her help to Madam S, as and when she needs it, to wash her heavy curtains and bed sheets. Krishna provides the delivery service of all those garments in his car [he is the driver of a businessman], so he can arrange the timing to help Madam S, whenever she needs one.

Everybody is human being, everyone needs some extra care and attention occasionally, so there is nothing wrong, if she is getting all this from the parents under the project as a gratitudes. This is one thing, I never offered to her. But still I am not getting my answer, why did she dismissed me up on my face, and then when I was not around, she was using all those information against me ? why ?

Later, I  learned that Madam S told Bimala, “ Sunita, does not want your children, to be a part of this project.” this is enough to surprise me, you know its a small world.

But, more than that Madam S, is very absent minded and she hates this fact that I am so smart to read it.

In the  December 2011 get together party of students from Children’s Home, I had a transportation problem as I live in a real good distance from the crowded city center. I had to leave the party early and waited for more than half an hour for the bus and there were nothing available, going towards my side of the area not even halfway throu. So I decided to stay in the party, but for that I had to sort out one issue first,  where I was going to stay overnight. I did asked Madam S, “may I stay in children’s home ?.” “No”, came the prompt answer from her, she was irritated to the max, at the same time also, of course with me. I had no clue why she was. Then, I asked with Krishna Shrestha [hostel in-charge of the children’s Home] to give me a night stay at her house, but it was again Madam S who said, “No”, from her behalf too.

Instead she suggested me to stay with Bimala’s house, where Ritu was also staying due to the late party or I could stay in Shrine School. This time I said flat, “No”. Then Madam S repeated, “stay with Bimala, its her house.” She was dramatically cool, when she suggested me to stay with her.  

My answer was still, “No”. 

In her crankier, irritated and agitated  mood, she was giving me what I was not expecting and needed, but only confirmed, for which, we had a huge bitter argument. Then Priya [her daughter] suggested, to give me a drop at my place, which also she said no saying, the guy is busy there in the party. Any way Priya did managed to drop me off. But later that night everybody, who could not manage to go home, was allowed to squeezed in for a night stay at children’s home.

That meeting was my last meeting at the Children’s Home. Since then [around three years ago in May 2009], I am not needed or called for any meeting at this Children’s Home.

Why I lost my temper

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I could have been in my early teen or perhaps preteen years, quite not sure but I was young there is no doubt. Growing up in Bal Mandir and expecting that, people will give you little bit of respect is something, like expecting a meatloaf in the talons nest. The grown  ups was one of the major reason for this to blame for all this, was just not giving it much importance to our daily life and so it was, at times it was kind of accepted truth that we take it easy and make no fuss about it. But the word respect was something that, was hugely lacking within the roommates too. Perhaps I was just too fool, to expect something like self-respect that too while growing up in an orphanage.  Honestly speaking, I did not even know, that I was expecting some kind of self-respect; when I was that young. But I had very short temper, when people called names, obscene, filthy, derogatory remarks in very disrespectful manner. I could not do anything, when it was targeted towards others. But when its me, its my responsibility to tame that person, who felt comfortable to call me like that.

One day, after school I found myself tangling with Rita Gurung, for the same reason. She was  bit younger then me but we were in the same room. I do not remember today,  exactly, how it started; but out of nowhere she called me ‘slut’. To room nannies, it was kind of accepted within their friendship to call each other ‘bitch’ or ‘slut’. It was kind of bantering for them.  If you used to watch The simple life on TV starring Paris Hilton and her close friend Nichol Richi, they used to call each other like, ‘bitch’ with so much comfort. But, I am not them because, I am Sunita. So, I  simply refused to take those words hurled at me. 

I am known for not having patience for bullshit and nonsense things ever since I was child [ now I know this], and losing it fast, specially when somebody with Rita’s kind of attitude. In such case, It was lightning fast for me to act. To end the verbal war, I simply could have told her, “you are ‘slut’ too”, because, that was the kind of culture inside Bal Mandir. But, using that word was definitely no, no for me. There was two method to stop her, either I call her the same name or tell her firmly and sternly, never ever do this in future, because its bad [and that kind of culture do not existed in Bal Mandir] or the other way is street language. Slap her, kick her, thwart her, push her on the wall. It was kind of easy way to, to control people; because that's what, we have seen adults including big boys and girls also, doing with us. That's how we learned how to handle problem and people thrown at us. 

In fact slap is not the right word here to explain what I did after that to her. I had  gone mad with her,  so was kicking  and pulling her hair, thwarting her like anything. During this whole time, she was saying incessantly, the same word again and again with every kick and forceful fist on her face and mouth, not even realizing; that’s what, making me mad and causing her all the trouble.

Sometimes, its really hard to understand, after bleeding people like that and expecting; it will change their mentality after that. But hey, I was in my early teen also, or could have been before my teen years to understand; what I am writing down here. What is inside one’s head cannot be changed with external punishment. Punishment does not make anybody to realize their mistakes, but changing their attitude is not my work, especially when I am damn angry at that moment.  All I have to do is, to punish the person instantly, and then expect they will not repeat it, in future. If not for anything but not to get beaten up by me again. 

As I mentioned earlier, it was after school and just before our early dinner. That was the time when everybody used to go to play and and then again some must have been busy chatting in front of the kitchen. There was hardly anybody to rescue Rita from my mad anger.

Somehow, somebody must have seen me beating Rita, at a narrow space in front of window which was facing the front yard. Our  bunkers were lined up   in other sides of us to make that space narrow. Can't remember today, how that beating got halted. But also can't remember did she stopped using those filthy language again or not, but I never ever tangled with her again in this matter is something I do remember. Perhaps I did scare her really with my strong and heavy kicks and feisty blow on her face. 

I remember a line here, from the Attorney General of  America, during the Clinton era, who said that, “we can't see inside the rapist brain, who just had raped three year old girl and we do not know how to cure that kind of [sickening] mentality; so harsh punishment is only answer in such cases”.