Crush, Crushed

Bharat Dai had completed his SLC, when I was only in 3rd grade.  He was free, when he was waiting for his result to be out. Not surprisingly, he used to take tuition classes for us in absence of Supervisor Indra Karki, who used to take classes for children less than fourth grade. There used to be a tutor from outside to cover rest of the group. Perhaps the evening classes used to start at around 7:00 pm for about an hour and half that used to end at 8:30 pm. It was a daily routine; except saturdays and school holidays.

For some strange reason, I used to cause; so many problem to Bharat Dai. Calling his name and being racist. Now, it has a name like being ‘racist’, but back then, we simply passed comments based on his/her skin color. He was a black guy. In my personal opinion, if we are of almost the same color and pass comments on the color of the skin, its still not being racist, a white skin person passing a black skinned person may be called racist. Leave this logic behind, otherwise it is going to to cause more trouble for me to end it. As there are white Americans and then, there are black Americans.

He somewhat annoyed me to the max or perhaps; I used to show him pure disrespect as a teacher and also as a older person than me, He enjoyed punishing me. Reason could be anything. There used to be unwanted verbal war. Although, it amused my young friends at times, but maybe, it was not easy for Bharat Dai. So he used to punish me; the way he felt right. Of course, with that his raw age came more bit handy treating me roughly.  Honestly speaking, most of it, I have completely forgotten also.

By the time I was in 10the grade, he was about to become a doctor. He was the first one to go to Buddanilkantha School on scholarship.there he had studied from 4th grade till his SLC. First from the Bal Mandir to become a doctor and I think no other person has broken this record yet. Not to my knowledge yet.

When I was in 10th grade, suddenly, I had had a crush on Bharat Dai. It was pretty strange connection or interest as he was the one I fought when I was child. There was a good age gap, but I had developed a huge crush with him. they say when you are in love all the logic fails to explain anything. He used to visit Bal Mandir during his off days, when he could make it, but it was very rare by then.

When I was in college, I shared Pradeep Dai about my crush. It was also the time girls of my age never used to express the kind of feelings I was going through, to other person and definitely not any male who is older than me. But I see I was not good at bottling my feelings within me. Although he was bit taken aback with my expression but then he himself was dating with a friend of mine with whom, I was sharing rooms. That fact kind of  worked in my favour, as he promised to me that, he will pass it on to Bharat dai. He said he was his one of the closest friends and they were still in touch with each other.

One day Bharat dai, sure visited Pradeep dai, then they also visited in the apartment I was staying with Sanu, who was dating with Pradeep Dai then. Now, they are married and are proud parents of two daughters.

When Bharat dai saw me, there was no reaction on his face that I was crazy about him and he was pretty good at hiding it from me. He did not even say hi to me, when he saw me. There was a huge distance in between us and perhaps it was the age distance. But from my side when I saw him, that day all my crush just flew by. As he was not the kind of guy  anymore who always came in my mind. It is very hard to put this in words but may be his young image had stamped in my mind and I really really like black guys compared to white guy.

But more than that; it was his cold and aloof way of dealing with me, more than his age gap with me that changed my mind about him. He absolutely treated me like a stranger. But to Pradeep dai he left the message for me. Once he will finish his MD,he was to get marry with a girl, with whom; they were in a committed relationship for long time. He had just finished his MD, he had already crossed 30 years of his life and at that time it was regarded bit late for him to marry. when he had visited us  at that time. I Guess it was around 1992.  

Today, when I look back, I guess it's right for us to talk to the one, we had crush on, who knows, it will help us to get out of it soon than not talking to him and going crazy for the person, who gives you shit.

Bhatat Dai is practicing in Ireland and does not want to be known as the one; who once had spent his life in Bal Mandir [orphanage]. He is just not comfortable to accept it. As for me, for this very reason, there is nothing to feel sorry for what did not work for me. What kind of intellectual he is ? when he is  not comfortable to accept, who we are  and where we come from ? For me all the education he got, is such a waste. 

Why can’t Bharat dai feel good; that he is today a successful doctor even though, once he was growing up in an  orphanage here in Nepal ? What’s wrong admitting it to your colleagues ? Why let inferiority gnaw you ? Is this is crime to let people know that you are brought up in orphanage ? Tell me why, it is bad ? I remember this line from Eleanor Roosevelt who said : Nobody can make you feel, inferior without your consent. I guess, we were far more different individuals; and that difference was so obvious, when we choose to fight when I was so young.