Yin & Yang

In chinese philosophy, yin and yang represent the two opposite principles in nature. Yin characterizes the feminine or negative nature of things and yang stands for the masculine or positive side. Yin and yang are in pairs, such as the moon and the sun, female and male, dark and bright, cold and hot, passive and active, etc. But yin and yang are not static or just two separated things. The nature of yin-yang lies in interchange and interplay of the two components.

Just like the philosophy of yin and yang, I also have two person in my life, who played huge impact in my growing up life, both negative and positive way. My yang is Bernhard Rutz a Swiss man and my yin is Mrs. Shrestha. I have met Bernhard, once I have completed my SLC.  He just dropped from sky to help me. All he wanted me is to study and finish my college education. But, Mrs. Shrestha was there in the management of Bal Mandir when I was growing up there. If I am not wrong, she has been in my life long before I am aware of things around me.

In fact, it was Mrs. Shrestha who did this huge favor for me in her life, by recommending my name to Bernhard as potential person for this sponsorship, when Bernhard approached her to give him name of two person for the same. Interestingly, other than that, she is one person who knows only one word to say me ‘No’. I have to admit, I have asked this question in my mind for so many times, “is she cursed to use that word only. What she has to lose if she say ‘yes’ to me” I am also not saying, she is the only person who is so negative and deprived of using positive words to me or the rest of others, who grew up in Bal Mandir.

On the other hand, Bernhard never ever said ‘no’ to me. He is the first person in my life who understood me, when the rest of the people around me just did not get me and I made no sense to them. In the early '90s the concept of self dependence for a girl was just too new and too bold. I do not want to say that it came to my by choice it came to me by default.  Going to college meant preparing myself for long and self-independent road.

When I was growing up, of course, in Bal Mandir, I always wanted to have a smuggler father, who have lots of money to meet all my demands. Bernhard did not meet all my demands as any teenager wish, but when a training or education was the talk of it, to enhance my chances to get good job or self independence in future, he never ever said ‘no’ to my all kind of crazy sounding demands. At least, it sounded too much to Mrs Shrestha all the times. To Mrs. Shrestha even asking  money for computer classes seemed too much demand. During the mid ‘90 offices in Nepal were as such that, even if they did not had computer in their office, but one of the requirement in the vacancy notice used to be computer trained.

I do not remember precisely Bernhard using the words like, 'I love you', or 'you can do it', but whenever I needed his help, which purely was financially, he never said no to me. Any kind of training, he never said to me no, just asked me tell me how much it cost and I will send you the money. As I said earlier, Mrs. was cursed to use no word.

Interestingly, both of these people were well educated, wise and intellect, came from good family background. Both were driven for a good cause but there was vast difference between these two people. One was full of promise and one was full of doubt. The positive vibe of Bernhard was so infectious that it infected me for the first time in life after my long stay in Bal Mandir. It sure took me more than twenty years to get over from my negative thinking. Had I not come into contact of Bernhard, I wouldn't have been any different, than anyone who grew up in Bal Mandir.

Even though, Mrs Shrestha was from well-to-do family back ground, well educated and was in the management of Bal Mandir; yet she was not much different in her thinking than the junior most staff of Bal Mandir. When I say  her ‘thinking’ I mean so full of negative for the children who were in Bal Mandir. No doubt she was professional and really good at her work but her negative thinking just forced me to think so hard for so long. The reason that forced me to think so hard about her negative attitude was why she could not think any better than all the staff who were in Bal Mandir ? Why she coming from well-to-do family did not made even an inch difference in her thinking and why her education did not play much role in her thinking than rest of the crowd, who were so less educated or most of them were had never ever gone to school ?

However, the truth is her too much negative thinking, perceptive about us, which she never verbalized in clear language yet, it was so loud in her behavior at times and and that constant doubt in my potential, is the gift in disguise for me. I may have made Bernhard proud but, my desire to make him proud has been nothing compared to my strong desire to prove Mrs. Shrestha wrong.

I am and I will be better in every possible way in the years to come by, not because Bernhard was so kind to me and always there for me to help, in every way possible way to open the road ahead for me but, because I [we] have been doubted for my true potential to make it in life.

I have to admit it, I did not realize the purpose of her placement in my life, but the day I understood it, I have bowed my head to the super power of God and his big plan for me. Love and his unconditional support alone was not sufficient for me to go deep inside my head and find my true potential and then work on it.  If you want me to make it in life, come on taste the power of my thought and say, I can't !

There are people who gets charged, only after when people doubt their true potential. I bet, I am one of them ! Because I have brain to use, don't you ?