She was perhaps one of the woman who wore most invisible look on her face, lets not even talk about her dress here ! Yeah, I know I am the wrong person to say this kind of things about her but this is what I am doing now. Because, she was one of the least attractive didis in Bal Mandir, as compared to the look of other didis. Apart from that she was the darkest one also.
Now, I am fully grown up; therefore I am quite sure about it that the exterior look almost do not have to do anything on anyone liking someone or disliking. Perhaps its not her look that was so unattractive about her, maybe; it was her too much of negative thinking or her dark side. We liking someone based on the exterior is only part of a truth, the whole truth of one's beauty [or ugliness] lies in one's thought and channelizing those thoughts in one’s life.
Understanding this at this age and sharing this with you may sound almost useless, because when I was in my mid teen years growing up in Bal Mandir, I was as average as any other person, not having any wisdom of mine own in most basic understanding like this.
Long before I understood this, liking is the culmination of one’s body and thought, and not picking just one. I was a young girl and Shanti didi hated me like anything. She was very vocal about it, and bad news for her, I was not a weakling either since I was young child.
She hated me was probably an understated, to be honest she could not stand me. Do I remember doing anything bad to her, sorry no such memory in my mind for hurting her, or doing anything with my full conscience to defame her or drag in any nasty mess. Oh, Yes I can sure be honest with you that I was not afraid of her hatred and those verbal abuse and hide myself behind the curtain whenever she was around. I faced her brutality and abusive nature. I used to retaliate her abusive comments, not exactly as filthy or mud slinging way but with all the courage of my teen brain whatever I had then !
Perhaps, like all the bullies, she too was infuriated with the realization that, she just could not scare me with her dominating character in any way possible. But, she sure had been successful to keep me away from her room for so long; and that was frustrating. For this she had the support of housemother, Kedar Shrestha. It was during my last years in Bal Mandir.
Personally speaking, I did not have any particular interest in being in the room that had tyrant nanny like Shanti Didi, but the problem with this fact was she was the nanny in big girl’s room and I was not in that room instead sharing room with girls who went to lower grades. I know, there is nothing wrong sharing room with girls who studied in lower grades, but that also meant, I never had any friend of mine in my room, with whom I could talk and chat hours in subjects only we both could be interested. All of them were in her room.
Reality with this bitter truth was my wanting to go in that room, where my best and close friends used to stay had nothing to do with my simple wish or rule of the Bal Mandir. By rule depending on my age and grade, I should have been in that room like others but I was not was hard truth. I could hang out with them all day, but for those late night talks, all I had was young girls who were least interested in what I talk or discuss about the books I loved reading.
I will never understand why she hated me so much and what was the reason ? But, what I know now is, that there is no reason when someone likes you or dislikes you. Its just like that, without a reason people can give explanation. Okay, this is something I can digest, easily, no particular reason for liking or disliking one, but why she was so vocal about it ?
My understanding was very much clear on this fact then and now also, to raise me or anyone in Bal Mandir, she did not have to spend a penny from her pocket my act did not costed her a penny. Besides there was plenty of works to do or other people to talk to or engage with if she was not comfortable with me. Why she used to carry that kind of grudge against me ?
At this point it is a must for me the share with you that she was called witch by many of her colleagues for her ‘dark side’. In my society, I mean to say not only in Bal Mandir, people who carry too much negativity in their mind and hard to adjust with rest of the crowd are labeled as witch. Many [other nannies] suspected that she knew black magic and practiced it for her own satisfaction. She was the nanny, who used to hurl at us crude and filthy words to rant her frustration which still has power to numb my conscience. That kind of behavior was beyond my understanding. With that knowledge in my hand I used to say things to her most grown people would have bitten their thought until it bleeds ! But I was fearless person.
So when I look back and try to understand, why I resented those harsh behaviors ? Now, I understand why, when the staffs at the Bal Mandir as well as NCO treated us less than humans at every opportunity they got, I resented it. Then; I did not knew that I was sensitive, touchy may fit better to explain my kind of sensitive reaction to those harsh treatments with us and demanded self-respect. Sadly without having any knowledge about those fancy words and expected my elders to treat us with little bit of respect, if not all.
To tell you the truth, I had not heard of the word dignity, self-respect, self-esteem, treating everyone with love and respect during my stay in Bal Mandir. Those were the things of imagination world. Not hearing those words were different thing but expecting to be treated like that without knowing may be was the biggest problem with me and with them too. Now I know this those ‘concept’ were fancy to my whole country and strange I was expecting it in Bal Mandir ?
However, I must be thankful to her, because of her; now I am not afraid to face any bully and can look straight into their eyes which is glaring with anger, and then say in my calm voice, which has power to back them off to treat me badly. I simply say to them; you can't scare me with your attitude ! Honestly speaking, I can be so brute and crude if need be. I must confess, facing her or anybody like her in Bal Mandir, made me mentally and physically strong !
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