Biological Father

I really find it bit odd to share this part of my life, as it being the harsh truth of my life also. But, by now there is nothing which I have not shared with my readers through my blog. Having said that, this also means there is almost no secret which can be called secret of my life. This is obviously because, I grew up in Bal Mandir, a place where only those are kept who has no parents, so this particular truth never bothered me during my childhood there. Of course, there were children who used to feel sad and bad about the fact; that they did not have parents and that's why they ended up in Bal Mandir, I never understand that feelings and I used to poke fun at them and they used to tell me I was a stone hearted person.

I grew up in Bal Mandir and life was normal without family members around. Even though, just like the other teenagers, I also got curious to know something about my ‘family’ too. So, I started asking this question to the older brothers, who used to visit me whenever they could manage. There was one more confusion, I have many brothers, but when I was young that ‘many’ part always used confuse me a lot. For very long period, I was just not sure, how many brothers I have, five or seven ? It was only during my mid teen years, finally I learned to keep the fact in my mind that, I have five and not seven brothers. I was the youngest one as well as I am the only girl in the family.

I really don't understand why this particular fact should bother me because; I am not a family person and I don't seek peace or anything, whatever its called, in the cozy comfort circle of people called family members. I am quite not sure why we used to get curious to know about the people who were related to us by blood. Could this be the peer pressure or this is the point we start feeling awkward about this part of truth in our life ? I guess we get curious in this matter when we get pressed too much by  those around us, who have not just some but all relatives at home and some of the children in Bal Mandir were there even when they have all, but one of the parents is dead - excuse could be anything in both case. So, at one point of life we were pressured to know more about who are in our ‘family’. Undoubtedly, I also started asking them, do I have parents ?  When I was in about seventh grade, I learned that our mother had died when I was three. And yes, we have father, “but he is crazy”, the oldest two must have said so. When they said crazy, I figured that he was mentally ill. Years later I heard from my youngest brother, he was warned about the crookedness of the oldest two by his father before his death.

Madhavpur, Chitwan is the place my youngest brother have choose to settle down. He lives only about 20 minutes drive from the place, where we were born. He had moved there in 1995. He invited me to visited him and his family in 2000 and it was my first visit there. I do not have that good relationship with my brothers and at times it looks like almost like with strangers. But there is no doubt that, sometimes I get unpaid holidays at his place for about a week or 10 days.

It was at that time, I came to know that I had a father who died just about 5 years ago. He had died after I have completed my college graduation. But the fact remains that I have never ever seen him in my life. At one point of life I also lived with my brothers - in fact they always came to stay with me, the place I rented - for short period of time yet I do not remember the fact that he ever wanted to see me or he ever made any effort to come and see me where I stay. It was, as if; he never wanted to be in touch with me or see me.  

Like I said before because, I grew up in Bal Mandir so that fact  did not bother me or break me in any way. I accepted the fact that I don't have my parents and on top of that I was not even close with my brothers - never grew up in family and no responsibility or respect. I have no problem to say our father or our mother, or father or mother but for some reason I am so uneasy and uncomfortable to use the word ‘my father’ or ‘my mother’.

But sometimes I really wonder why this man, who happened to be my father, was never ever interested to see me; when I was growing ? Was he mad with me ? What could have been the reason he avoided to see me all his life ? I asked this question to Sukdev, which I have heard long time back, “was he crazy” ? This could have been the good excuse for him, not to worry about me or my whereabouts. But the answer surprised me, when my brother-in-law said, “no,  he was very very normal  man and died as a normal man. Instead she asked me, “who told you he was a crazy man ?” It was simple  our brothers !

But not knowing him, bars me not to be angry with him for his explainable behavior or whatever reason he may have remained to choose invisible in my life. Some times I think I should have been mad with him if only I knew his thought or belief about me.  But may be for this very reason, I do not think I belonged to him, just because he was my biological father. I have no feelings for him,  no attachment with him, no respect for him, but at the same time I do not feel any kind of anger with his odd behavior; just like I don't expect anything from a stranger !