Tamarind pickle

 I could have been in about sixth or seventh grade and tamarind used to be the best food of my childhood memories. Perhaps our age is just right to like its soury, citrusy and tangy taste. During those days, I was very close with Junkiri and Dibya during those time,because we were in same class as well as we were bench mates also, not to mention we all lived in Bal Mandir.

Girls in our school used to have tamarind as a snacks or during the class to get rid of boring sunny days of hot summer. We did not have money like those who grew up in family to have extra money for those extra expenses like that. In Bal Mandir there was nothing called pocket money concept, when we were young because we did not needed it for anything, as all our needs were met. But sometimes we did had money to buy something of our choice, a good way out from those group food or meal year round. School lunchtime or after school hours made us hungry like ghost, although they used to provide us four time meal a day but it seemed that, those meals were not sufficient for children's like us, who were ever hungry.

When I try to understand, why we were hungry like that ? why they used to say that we were not breast feed during our childhood that's why we were hungry all the time. But new age lifestyle psychologists call it emotional eating. This somewhat satisfy me answer, may be we used to feed our emotions. In absence of our loved one around us, who took care of our needs and ruffled our hair; we shook shelter in foods to pamper ourselves or feed our emptiness that lies in our unconscious mind.

What the heck, lets enjoy tamarind pickle and not worry about what’s their opinions about  our never ending hunger pangs.

I and Dibya used to manage money to buy tamarind but Junkiri never had money to chip in for food, because her relative never used to visit her in Bal Mandir and give her money to spend occasionally. Therefore, she used to manage for sugar, which she had to get from the store or steal it anyhow before we enjoy the tamarind the pickle. And as for Chili we had to fall in front of the chili plants and when we stand up from the fall, we already had handful of green chilies for the pickle.

Finding a small bowl for preparing the pickle was one of the toughest task, as in Bal Mandir we hardly used to have small bowl, which was sufficient to prepare food only for three young girls. Smallest bowl in Bal Mandir was enough to contain rice or lentil or pickle for at least 18 children. I can't remember who owned that red plastic bowl but we found anyway one to make it. There is no doubt that, we must have stolen it from one of the girl, who owned that bowl, just can't remember whose bowl was that.

Once we had all the ingredients to make the pickle, we used to go to one corner of the long veranda, and made sure there was enough and long clothes hanging on there to hide us, so that we could make the delicious and spicy pickle and then dig in all by ourselves, what we had just made.

Hiding ourselves in the place, where about forty girls lived in two different rooms and about twenty girls visiting from other rooms to see their close friends, staying in this part of of the building was definitely not easy task for us.

Sometimes we had to stop our work in process or devouring the pickle in the middle of it, if someone showed off the place where we were hiding ourselves, at that part of the veranda. stopping it meant, we don't have to share it with them. I was one of the mean person, who was least interested to share our delicious food with them, Junkiri was equally unwilling to share our foods with those unwanted poppers but, Dibya she was willing to share it with others, occasionally; when they appeared during our devouring time. She was the skinniest in our group but was the most kindest than two of us. We two did not used to share it with anyone but she used to share it from her share of food. Junkiri and I thought, her sharing quality had made her skinniest.

We were so childish that we used to eat its pit too, yeah all of it.

The Tamarind pickle used to be very tooth achingly citrusy and soury therefore, that hot green chilies added much needed extra zing to the pickle. We used to add lots of sugar cut that sharp citrusy and soury taste of tamarind and also to kill the hot taste of green chilies. It was one of the best food I had during my childhood and one of the best memories to cherish of that time; which reminds me how greedy we were, how careless and carefree we were.

But, that's what makes us child right ?

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A Familiar story

When I read the latest book out in market by Hari Bansha Acharya, who is not just much loved comedian of our time, but he is a well respected social reformer too. In his storytelling, I noticed so much familiar tone. His story telling reminded me of my life in Bal Mandir but particularly one of our friend whose name is Junkiri.

His entertaining qualities, which he obtained watching many people around is one of the core part of Bal Mandir and for us Junkiri provided all that entertaining for us that. Junkiri is one of his huge fan and she is as entertaining and time pass for the people around her, as Hari Bansha Acharya. Like him, she has nothing to hide from the people she is close with, and closeness is something has power to force me to think. There are things in everyone's life to hide but she has nothing, nothing to hide. If I like her, I like her for that very quality and if I don't like her, I don't like her for her inability to hide some of the things that happens in her bedroom. Sometimes, I tell her do I really need to know it ? She gives the question damn and don't even pay attention to it, because she has perhaps that much to tell you and she will tell you anyway.

Just like the superstar and multi talented actor, who loves dog, she too is multitalented and a dog lover. She never hesitate to let dogs [including stray when she was in Bal Mandir], to lick her; which almost made me puke. She is so jealous when she sees that her dog loves me more than he feels gratitude to her caring for it, would not hesitate to scold her if she has too.

Like Hari Bansha, Junkiri was least interested in her study and failed so many times in one class but those failing  happened before she appeared S.L.C. unlike his fourth division status repeatedly.  Despite her being in poor in her studies, she was liked by her teachers due to her very likable qualities which she made everyone laugh mostly her wrong pronunciation, she utter without realizing how funny it sounds to others.

Today, I know this for sure, that she was suffering from learning disabilities; I wonder is the comedian is also suffered from the same disabilities ?

Apart from he being so close resemblance to my childhood friends Junkiri, there are so many distinct qualities which is so similar to us with the star comedian, which is so common with the children of Bal Mandir, his strength and flaws are so much like ours.

Like he indulges in self-pity, suffering from low self-esteem, and lack self confidence and don't have anything to hide from the world. those flaws are so much like us because we think we have our birthright in all the negatives in us, but reading his book, only tells me more deeper reality of those strength and weakness.  All his flaws and strength make him so much like one of us.

Just like us, he too felt it ignorant to the good things that was given to us by god to appreciate instead we tended to believe those nannies and housemother who treated us very demeaning and disrespectful manner just because we were orphans.  

There is no doubt, he is an orphan too, but how come an orphan who grew up in family is not much different from the children, who grew up in children home like us ? Therefore this question has power to think me hard. Now, it gives me more reason to dig deeper in behaviour issues, that we see in children who were raised in children home. However it also is force me to think now that its the other people who treat us badly because of the bad situation we ended up instead we acting badly to them because of the bad situation that land us. Bad situation is somewhat taken as a licence by the people around us to treat badly.

Its fine, because we believed those illiterate nannies and dominating housemothers and at times those well educated officer managers too, for whatever they injected in our young minds; but who injected forced perception in his head, like, we should not respect ourselves, take pride in our talents and believe in our true potential  us like others who grew up in family ? How come, he has not overcome with that kind of flawed in thinking, even after seeing such height in his more than 35 years successful careers track ?

In my case, when the guy was dating, know I grew up in Bal Mandir, it sure gave him licence to treat me like second class citizen. Do I have to tell you that what makes him my Ex ? But in his case it was when he had money after selling his house and some some cash in his pocket and one person, called Thapa got the opportunity to swindle him, hoping he can run away with the money. And its more interesting for me to read in the change of behavior in him from then onward. It changed the teen boy into more aggressive, fearless and not respecting anyone regardless of their position and status they enjoyed in society. That was so very much like us and that is our story in Bal Mandir. This is why his story has so familiar narration. He lived almost the same life we lived in Bal Mandir.

But, I must thank the star comedian, for his honest writing, pouring his heart out in it when it comes to share his life story with us. But, more than that; I feel so grateful to tell you, your story made me feel like, my life in Bal Mandir felt like heaven, despite all the ill treatment by nannies, housemothers and office manager sometimes.

At the same time I would like to request the writer to shake off your head from self-pity, low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence.  Its okay, to take pride in your achievements, respect yourself for whatever you have been able to earn in life and have more self-confidence in your future projects, if not for all, then what you have done and achieved in your life, should be sufficient enough to feel new found pride and respect for yourself.

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Perspectives

One of the best movie, I have watched in my life, is Anand. This movie is made by Satyajit Ray, the Oscar award winning director from India. 

This movie mainly revolves around two men, one of them was dying with deadly disease and the other man was a doctor, who was attending the dying man. The man, who only has six months to live. This is also a story of a two people’s perspective, of life and how it should be lived. The interesting part of this movie is, the one who was dying is the one who knows how to live, I mean  live in real sense, well before it ends; and the doctor who had whole life to live, was the one who forgot to see the beauty of life and was scared of death. 

Therefore, he was kind of living his life in dark. The dying man did not liked to see death in the eyes and face of the doctor so, he avoided him as much as he could and the doctor wanted him to take medicine on time and realize it well that his sickness is kind of serious and he can't ignore the fact, that he was dying. But, the man who was undergoing treatment refused to live life, as per his doctors assumptions. This is the reason the movie makes worthwhile to watch before you die.  

After watching this movie, I came to understand the meaning of untold or chewed words and language, in fact, body language and eye rolls by top level offers in the Nepal Children's Organisations or the demeaning, disrespectful and undignified words that middle management or junior staff hurled at us, without a slightest hesitation.  Why they never respected us ? Although, they were there to take care of us, but most of them acted, as if they were superior like God. As a child I failed to get it.

Interestingly, when I was growing up child I just did not get the hidden reason behind it, but  I resented people who felt comfortable to hint us that our life was not worth anymore than what it looked like. They always treated like us as if it won't be any better than what was our conditions in Bal Mandir.

Although, I have along with many of my childhood friends, this kind of resentment to most of the staffs who worked in Bal Mandir whether they were top level officers or lowest staff but here I would like to give you just my one person with whom I was in touch long after, my teenage time was over, to understand the gravity her thinking; which I found hard to believe as I learn more and more as I grew older. I would like to say that, this kind of differences was bigger than rich and poor and growing up in family or orphanage, there was more to that difference in behavior.

I remember visiting  Mrs. Shrestha, in her office in Bal Mandir during the early years to collect my sponsored money which included my entire cost of living and education. Mrs. Shrestha was trusted for her honesty and all the money was handed over to her, so that she will give me on monthly basis.  

I still can't forget to shake my head to that question, even it had passed more than twenty years, since she had asked me that question, at the end of my two years college study.

“Do you really have to go to college further ?”  she had asked me this question, when I had told her I want to continue my study after completing my intermediate level. Why she asked me that question and what does that mean ?

I personally don't think anything wrong, if she had felt, we need to work to support ourselves, instead of ‘wasting time in study’, but I have a sponsor who was there to send me to college. why she wanted to put full stop in my study. Fine I was not the good student still graduation is a must for every child.

A Swiss man Bernhard Rutz had come forward to pick up my college bills and help me in more ways than just sending me to college. These two still work together for the betterment of underprivileged child like me.

As a growing up teenager, all, I wanted to do in my life, was to graduate, therefore, I decided to talk with Bernhard directly in this matter. I used to meet him once in a year only that too for a couple of hours only. It was the beginning years of 90s and that was the time there was no email and internet to contact him and writing letter to him was something, used to get lost in postal service or I never used to get letters he wrote for me. So, when he came at the end of 1991, I have enough time to get myself roll in college for the next two years also.

“Bernhard I want to go to college for my graduation”, I simply told him.

“Okay” was the fast and simple answer from him and he did not even blinked his eyes or think twice before responding my request.  It was so different response for my education, from what Mrs. Shrestha had reacted to my keen interest to go to college for two more years.

What is more interesting to pay attention here, is that it was she, who had recommended my name to Bernhard to get this scholarship, instead of me requesting her to find one for me. And that's what, it makes me wonder, why she used to react the way she reacted ? To her I was not acting, dressing or behaving like I should, meaning I forgot I grew up in Bal Mandir. And it was her job, duty and full responsibility to remind me that; in so many ways. Her behavior was hard to understand ? Why she did not think it necessary to increase our lifestyle even by a little bit  than we used to live in Bal Mandir ?  Even when I was lucky enough to get kind hearted person like Bernhard to pick up my all bill during college and not just education bill ?

One of the biggest effort she made in her life, was to hint me that Bernhard was not my father to lean so close with him. Mistake was already made so we got very close. Told you, I was not brightest student to get her hints, fast or I resented it so much, I went on different direction than she thought. Today, they call it reverse psychology for this kind of behavior.

Disagreeing seem to be my biggest strength; and if I have to disagree with her, I enjoy doing so; even more. But now I know this for sure, its not just disagreeing with each other. We two have totally different perspective about life and how we should live; just like the doctor and patient in the movie Anand. We both may make sense but its my life so I don't have to nod my head to her thinking and I have a luxury to disagree with her, as she is not my family member and thank God for this biggest gift in my life.

Apart from that, before seeing Bernhard I had not met anyone who loved me and cared for me the way he did. I was his first effort, to  his yet to grow big dream to help children like me and and we both forgot the boundary of the limitations that how close we should be or much distance we should keep from each other. We got very close and it was viewed as almost like a crime by Mrs. Shrestha, I did not get it for so long. 

But I am not going to nag about her behavior, instead I should be profusely thankful to Mrs. Shrestha for her kind of approach, she kept towards me, because it played huge role in my  life. Her view is what,  taught me, that there is nothing called right or wrong thing, just the different perspective of it. When I find things so very right, to her it make no sense and what makes sense to her numbs my deep conscience; and that's the time I stick with my own convictions.

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My Friends

“Why my puwa is so tasty, today ?” I wondered loudly.

“My puwa taste okay, and its not that sweet as you say”, Bobby responded, after tasting puwa from her cup.

That surprised me, because mine has extra sweetness in my puwa, a daytime snacks, which we used to have in Bal Mandir. I think it was, Saturday that day, when I was enjoying this Bobby, my best friend, was by my side eating her puwa and Shova was in front along with others. Because, if it would not have been Saturday or other school holidays, Bobby & Shova would not have been sitting by my side, while we eat my daytime snacks. They used to go to different schools than I,  and if I had to believe Bobby, hers was not as sweet as mine.

I just did not pay much attention to Shova, who was watching me closely on my face and my reactions to the food. How can I not get it, it's she, who had done something with my puwa, even though she was standing in front of me, her face was brightly lit and she was smiling from ear to ear seeing me enjoying my snacks and at the same relishing seeing me surmised like that.  

Not knowing all this, I was trying to find out, why my puwa was so tasty that day. As I dig deeper inside my mug, with my spoon, I could not see anything unusual to make it sweeter. I was looking for the strands of sugars in fact. The brown sugar, which Shova had put at the bottom of my mug, and then made sure that same gets covered properly by puwa on top. Because the color of the brown sugar and puwa was almost same, so, I just could not guess it why it was so sweet that day.

It was Shova’s tactics to pull me towards her. You know, when we are young, its easy that some people really know how to please us and food is one of the easiest bribe to please children.  All of us were in the same class but Babita and Shova, both were class toppers in their schools and I was not even the distant distant neighbors to the good marks. I guess good marks were just so not happy with me, and honestly, I never have any complaints with them, because I just choose to disagree with them.

My only relations with good marks was, I have close friends, who were good student and loved to feel good about it. In general, its like attracts like and good students are friends with those who are good in studies, but you have to ask them why they were my friends instead of me not  being bright student. 

I was average student, all my student life.

This two friends always wanted me to be just their friend but did not gave me any choice to choose both. They did not verbalized it, but, acted in a way that gave me kind of ultimatum to choose just one; or I am not your friend. My only problem was, I loved them both, wanted them both by my side and needed them both. As a child I did not pay much attention to gap the differentiation between them and even today I can't even remember what was the reason they did not like each other.

I can't remember exactly today, but it may be that, both used to poison about each other and my young brain was not experienced enough to take sides or decide; who was right or who was wrong. So; this created a small problem during my teen years and me swinging with each other. Because, sometimes, I used to end up with Shova and miss the company of Bobby and sometimes with Bobby and then I missed the company of Shova. 

Do I have to spill the bean here that during those times, I was not talking to one of them due to misunderstanding created in between us by the one who was with me. It was the time one of them tried hard to get me back as her close and best friend.

Its some what kind of flattering to know some people will do anything to take me back in their company, but in fact, those try hard moment also tested my own ability to maintain good rapport with both of them. No doubt, I liked their company, both of them were joy to be around, loved me dearly and  were nice and close to me. If Shova used to shower me with bribes like varieties of foods, then, Bobby used to bring me books from her school friends. We use to read books and then discuss about the novel later, besides she was my confidant too, unlike Shova.

It takes time to understand how compatibility and trust matters, more in life; than anything else. Life will be hard to live without the person who can understand you, exactly the way you are, and what you say meant to them exactly the way you mean it. There is nothing relieving, to find a person who reads the same book and can talk about it for hours and finding a person with whom you can share your secrets.

Needless to mention then, at the end, its was Bobby with whom I used to hang up more but Shova remained my good and close friend as long as I was in Bal Mandir, but we three could not be friends at the same time, as a group. However, I never paid much attention or dig deeper, why they could not tolerate each other, because they both were my friends and I like both of them equally.

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Seven Stones

The best part of April and May is that, it has comparatively long days. Good for children to play after school. You may be aware that June is the month, which has the longest day than all other months; but due to rainy season its long days is somewhat useless for children to play outside. You may say that October is also perfect time for outside play time but alas, it's time for boys to fly kite and they find all other play pale in comparison to flying kites;  besides its a month of Dashain, the biggest festival here in Nepal so this month has different charm than it being just a month being perfect for playing outside.

When I was young school girl, I was not much of sportive person. This applied for both indoor and outdoor games and as I grew more, I became fatter and fatter every week and games were not something  I found joy in it, unlike others. And that almost barred me to play games and join others in the game they enjoyed a lot. School time is the time, we had plenty of times to play, play and play after study. Seven stones was one game, I do remember playing and talking part more often than other games, that was played in Bal Mandir and may be only game I used to take part and enjoyed too.  

Maybe this game is one of the cheapest game to play, all you need is many people to play, which Bal Mandir never lacked, and all you need is some stones and a soft ball to play the game. What I like about this game is its so full of noise, commands and instructions to do things this way or that way and finding instantly what one thought was not the right way to place the stone on top of each others and others found the better way to finish the arranging it faster than it was thought previously.

Something tells me that, me taking parts in this game is because it must be the time before I got fatter which means, before I turn teenager. Hum, this is perhaps the only game that have more good memories I have playing with others. but, what I do not remember is, does this game needed seven players in each team ? But both team had some numbers to spread in the big background of the Bal Mandir as it provided enough space for us to play.

The players, probably consisting seven team members in each team, was divided in two team. One was to arrange the stones and others had to do all efforts to make that team to stop arranging the seven stones and complete one game. The best way to find enough time to arrange stones, which of course, is to place one on top of each other, a player of the same team had to catch the ball and then throw it, out of sight, while one is arranging, others are helping the person to keep arranging it, by distracting the other team’s players.

One of the easiest way to distract the opposite team’s players was throwing ball as far as it can go, or at places, which made it hard to find the ball faster.  Players could pass the ball amongst their team and throw the ball at the opposite team’s players, when they came to arrange seven stones, keeping each one on top of other, until all seven stones stood tall in perfect order, before the other team’s player can throw a ball on it and dismantle the each player's effort. If the ball touched the player, while arranging the stones, then he or she can not take part in the remaining game. Fewer number of players, made it hard to arrange the balls to take on shape and fast.

The good news is everyone had their own strength in this game, some could run fast to distract the player of other team and some could throw ball fast to out the player from other team and some enjoyed to dismantle the arranged stones every time it took shape and some enjoyed completing it against all odds. When you play game you hear all sorts of noise coming from all the direction at the same time, like Sunita throw the ball, Munna pass the ball here and hey Rabi go to arrange the stones and Raghav ! No, No, that is not how the stone is arranged, you have to know it properly to arrange, so that you can finish it faster or something like that.

Sometime, we had  stones that was easy to arrange and we could arrange it fast, but some of the guys in the team, who loved challenge found stones that was so hard to keep on top of each other and it used to take long time to arrange it, so that it could stand long enough to finish the game.

Some boys liked this game, so that they could hurl the ball with brute force and hurt girls in the team hard.  Its really hard to believe that they had fun doing that kind of act than in game itself. Perhaps, its we delicate girls assumptions about such things, that they want to hurt us, but may be its their normal force as they are stronger physically than we girls biologically.

However, its the game that reminds me of my childhood days, and all the cheerful and noisy sound around me, as if; it just happened yesterday; as if I just woke up from long sleep. Its only seems that the sleep had slipped into decades, overnight.

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PVM - Hot chocolate Drink

Its quite natural that, Bal Mandir, being the biggest children's home, here in Nepal, used to get so many donations from across the nations and some time in form of food items too. Once somebody donated P.V.M.  loads of it. Its full form was protein, vitamins and minerals It's kind of hot chocolate drinks, something like horlicks or boost. Unlike today's time, what I do remember distinctly is, then in the mid 80s, when they use fine sugar in any powder drinks, they used big grains of sugar, that can be seen with our naked eyes. It was the same thing in some big brands biscuits also. Let me tell you this, it gave me a very good feel about the food then.

When people donated anything to to Bal Mandir, it always came in abundance, I mean truckloads of it. Its like the donor knew small portion is not going to help anyone good, when there were about 200 children in Bal Mandir to feed all the time.

The powdered hot chocolate drinks was packed differently than today's packing. It was paper roll  packaging just like pringles packaging, with tin on top and its bottom; but only its was for about a kg or one and half kg packaging hot chocolate drinks. Everybody liked it. in fact they liked it so much that the children used to steal it from where it was stored and  and then have it dry, just like that. But in daytime milk it was given to all, but what  I just can't remember now is, we it having in our morning milks too.  It was so good that I do remember it being stolen from the staffs also and I used to give it to my teacher who taught us sticking, from whatever I could have my hands on. The lady wanted more from me even if the stealing was not an easy task but she presumed, we were really good at it, to be precise I was good at it. Does this tick your imagination, that she was encouraging me to steal more, so that her need to have it  and feed more to her three children will be satisfied. I denied it, as I am not known to doing things that only please others and not me. Besides, there has to be limitations when we get things, which is stolen.

I don't know at what time, the managers or the housemother learned, that the generous givings was closing to an expire date soon and one day they just burned loads and loads of it long before we had enough of it, to be tired of its good taste. A housemother, did the whole burning and burying task. In this case I do remember so vividly that, it was Sabitri Basnyat. Once she  got tired of burning it which seemed like for hours, then, she asked the junior staff and some big boys to dig big hole, and then buried the whole with unopened packaging.

That was a good news for many of the boys and girls, because seeing that good tasting food burning under the big fire was some thing we did not feel good about and not good news from any angle. Some of the boys, later dug up the hole and then unearthed the still good conditioned package and then rejoiced eating it again. How come they can think of burying food which tasted so good  ? I bet, we were not aware about the expired date on the packaging or it was something we did not needed to know !

Sometimes, when we gather then, we do look back and remember those time we had in Bal Mandir and then talk in length, that if bad food was really that bad for children, then we would have died for maybe thousands times in our lives; instead it only made us more strong than we could ever imagine. Our digestive system is a lot better than the people, who are over protected from the dirt and germs when they were growing up. But more than that, what I find so surprising is, that those foods or the condition that surrounded us, made us mentally strong too, not just physically.

I never ever thought in my life, that eating expired date food[s] or rice and lentils that was so insect infested and stone filled, smelled bad; will make me physically and mentally strong when I grow up. And yes, with all the memory intact in my mind except; I have a bad memory power, but others do not have my bad memory power.

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