Pass on the good deeds

There are some people in our life and we are so indebted to them, all we can do is say thank you.  saying this is so easy but there was time I waited for  the time to return him  the goodness he gave me in my life. I was not smart enough to know, kindness and good deeds should be passed on and we should not wait right time and way to say thank you to those people whose gratitude awash us.

It was the year 90, when Bernhard came forward to pick my college bills along with other cost that will make sure I have no problem going to college. he came in my life out of nowhere. Truth be told he had gone to Bal Mandir and expressed his desire to help a young student to send to college. I so happened to be in her mind and just like that I was picked. That sure made my only dream of that time; of going to college, a lot easier. This stroke of luck, made others from Bal mandir so jealous of me. Honestly speaking, that was so satisfying feelings I have felt, because you know I come from that background no one is envious of our life.

In the beginning, I thought he was picking my college bills all by himself. But, after two years he told me that he has been asking money, with his friends on his birthday instead of gift for himself; so that he could help more children to get better education after Bal Mandir. He helped me to finish my graduation and wanted to support my further study until masters degree but I was not interested in higher study. I thought, I am in Nepal and more educated you are more frustrated you become and I did not wanted to end up as a frustrated educated person.

During that four years of my college life, I was so grateful to Bernhard for what he did to me. Not surprisingly, I wanted to thank him or give him some gift that would please him. sorry except good marks on my report card as I was never a bright student. In my teen stupidity, I also used some money to buy gifts, a window craft by locals here. Sure, that money was also I have saved from the very money which he used to give me for my full study [ room rent, food cost and total study bill].  I still remember, bewilderment in his eyes and saying that I don't want any gift from you, all I want is your good health and do good in your study.

That was not normal for me. See, I grew up in Bal Mandir and no one gives you anything without something in return. But he did not want anything from me except my good health and me excelling in college. I was not a bright student to get good marks and still Bernhard never pressured me for good marks in my report cards. After seeing my mark sheet which was not so good for a person who was studying on sponsorship budget; he once told to encourage me, marks could be decisive. That simple line stamped in my mind forever. Over the years, I came to know that I can't do anything for Bernhard. He do not need anything from me in return for all the good he did for me.

We became very close over the years. I used to tell him everything that used to happen in my life and I make sure he gets all my news from me before any other wants to become my spokesperson. We stayed in touch for another 20 years. We still meet whenever he comes to Nepal. Whenever we catch we have lots to talk and share with each other and we catch up from the point where we left last time. Sure, we forgot some boundaries of project v/s life. It took me long time to understand I was part of his big project and there is whole life apart from Bernhard in my life. His project grew with every passing years. Today, there are more than 76 children in his education project and more than 100 student have already been passed out from college until now.

Me not being a bright person, it took me long time to get it that we should not waste our time waiting to find the right opportunity to say thank you to the person who did good in our life especially when we can't do anything for them. Instead we should find our own ways to pass on the good deeds to others. This is the only way and the right way I can say him; thank you in real sense. So, now I know what I need to do. I do exactly what he did to me.

Just like him, I will ask money with others and then give it to those who needs it for better education. If he has done this for 200 then I will do this for 2000 children. Stupid me why didn't I get it earlier, I should have started long time back. But, I think Bernhard was of my age when he picked me up; therefore, I think I am not that late.

Bernhard is that rare man in my life, whom I love, respect, admire, like and loop up to. This is not something every man gets from me.

Bernhard is my that single perks of life for being raised in Bal Mandir that changed my whole life or at least the way I see life after knowing Bernhard.

Man trapped in boys world

Whenever I get Dashain break,  I go to my brothers place at Chitwan Madhavpur; even though he and his whole family is christian. This time because, here in the the city we are facing Indian blockade so I have to stay at his home for longer than what I had planned to stay before I left Kathmandu.

Unlike other family we are not much close may be for the obvious reason, I grew up in Bal Mandir and this does not mean I was the only one who had to spend life in Bal Mandir.  My four brothers were also have been sent to Bal Mandir or other shelter homes. Except for the oldest one, who had to stay at home with his father because he was old enough not to keep in any shelter home at that age. The ‘home’ we called was swept away by an angry flood.

They said such angry flow of river happens once in 30 years only. And when it was angry like that my family was dispersed. Sure there must have been many more like us and their story may have been different than mine. The youngest two of us were kept in Bal Mandir. My brother could have been around five at that time and another two was placed in other shelter home which also fell under the Management of Nepal Children's Organisation. Me and my youngest brother have small age gap, so no wonder I am closer with my youngest brother compared to other brothers. During the early years, we both were kept in Bal Mandir but latter on he was transfered to the Shifal branch of Bal Mandir, where only boys are kept.

We both are a reader and talker. He was the brightest child and He always topped the class, and never ever became the second in class in his entire school life. Not just that he also used to take part in debate, poem reciting, took part in singing competition, painting and what not all that was given opportunity as a child by royal family when we were growing up. As for me, I was not even close to the tenth roll call, nah, I was not even near by the 20th roll call or the neighbor of 30th. In those days we  used to have the roll call according to the ranking we got in our exam papers. I was just the average child when I was in school or my entire student life. Still, we can talk and argue on almost anything. However, it seems whenever we catch up, our talk and time flies back in our childhood memories and we talk most about that time.

He keeps telling me even today, it was because the new housemother named Sabitri Basnyat had been transferred in Bal Mandir from the Shifal branch and she just did not like him.  He also remembers why. She may not have liked him. Sukdev, was confident child and so the argumentative nature was part of his personality and the housemother may have thought he was challenging her beliefs with his childish brain. He was not the kind; who backed off easily, once he is convinced of something. It seems to me that there was a case of ego clash. He insist she was narcissistic. She sure had that attitude of : how dare you look into my eyes, talk back to me or retort fast ? even if, was asked in anger.

Being a bright student may be he was curious of many things but what I do remember today that even the naughtiest behavior of children was termed as bad behavior in Bal Mandir. Sabitri Basnyat was mother of this twist of word who never wanted to understand the difference between the two word and it was her choice by default.

It's not a coincidence that, she hated me too for very long time and I do not have much good memories of me liking her as the feelings was so very mutually shared. I have written so much about her rough handling of children when I was young and innocent, and was growing up in Bal Mandir. Thank God, there was much more than Sabitri Basnyat to remember when I look back in my time that I have spent in Bal Mandir as a child. Luckily, it seems it's the same with my brother also.

When I took a stroll at my brother's backyard that immediately sent me back in my memory lane of my childhood time. Because, there was a small piece of kitchen garden with some fruit trees. In that small piece of land he has grown some vegetables, some trees, some herbs some flowers and many fruit trees for that small area. But, more than anything it was that thing in the middle of the kitchen garden there was some sugar cane plant at one line of it. It was that plant that has more power to pull me in my childhood time. Because, when  we were in Bal Mandir it was a kind of Bal Mandir culture to provide some land for boys to take care of it as soon as they were old enough to take care of something. I mean more than a puppy. In that small plot every boys grew sugar cane, along with other things. and they enjoyed it during winter season. Out of curiosity, I even counted it. There was  about 15 -18 less than 20 sugarcane and I know for sure that will not cross the number if I visit him ten years later also. He can't chew it as he has very weak set of teeth in his mouth, and I doubt; anyone at home really want to eat it. Still it was there. It was just there for the sake of his memory of good old time.

Another thing that sent me directly with a short cut ticket to my memory land in Bal Mandir was because, there is so many fruit trees in his small piece of land, where he also grows vegetables for about 20 people each day. Again counted those fruit trees. About ten papaya trees,  three mango trees, two trees of avocado, a litchi trees, a tree of custard apple and a grape vine and a vine of mango also. All those fruit trees have the combination power to send me in my memory lane from where I can never ever delete the trees of mango, litchi, plum, pear, and peaches. There was about six pear trees in one row and he had planted papaya trees just like that, about five in a row and rest scattered around the premises .

I remarked about my observation and he agreed having been so much influence from what he had seen in his childhood time. I have heard in a TV advertisement that we learn most from the observation than going to school or hearing a preaching. His gardens tells me exactly the same thing about that observation that tells a story of his childhood memories. And there is nothing wrong when a man still has that part of his life in him, his sweet memories of childhood.

Lucky me !

• When I see this small child who is less than three years old, being beaten by his mother; it's really not easy for me to take it lightly. As I did not grew up in family to take it as normal, presuming that this kind of scene happens in every home. It may be because if we used to eat leftover food in Bal Mandir it was reported on national papers and people presumed we always eat leftover food all the time. And if there is this kind of brutality of physical abuse by our caretakers then this kind of news really used to make a huge cry in society. This is very hypocrite behavior. its accepted by a mother and parents but not by a irate caretakers. Of course, when I was growing up in Bal Mandir, I just did not know about all this may be I was too young to pay much attention to the newspaper craps. To some its a politics and to some writers this kind of news, which can give them instant popularity. 

Ture, Bal Mandir is the place where you can see all kind of people with all types of intentions. There are good good people who have good heart and there are bad people who are working for them yet waiting for some personal gains. Recently, I  read in a national daily that Rabin Shrestha who is 43 years old working in fund raise department  in Bal Mandir raped 13, 14, and 15 year old autistic girls and he was not alone to sexually molest those young girls in Bal mandir. There was another man named Rabin Chalise also. But then there are some good hearted human right activist also, who talked to these girls and then sent these molesters to 16 and half years jail term.

I have  been in contact with Bernard for more than 20 years now.  In 1989, when he started helping me to finish my college I was only one but today he is helping 100 more and there are long list of people who have gone to good school and college because he wanted us to get the good education. Now, his Prabina Foundation not just makes sure that the needy children get good education but also good environment; where they can stay and go to school. So, this foundation also runs a Prabina Home in Kathmandu. I have first hand knowledge to say how some people dedicate their entire life to make sure that we get good education and life. They are not the one who exploit the children.

Ironically, most of the times its the staff in children's home, be Bal Mandir or other small children homes where needy, vulnerable and destitute children are kept. Then there are some small time donner[s] who would like to receive something in return, once they give couple of bucks. Pastor Rajan Neupane who  also runs a children's home near by Sun City helps me to get this matter pretty clear. They have strict policy not to let any donors to stay in their children home, even if they would like to donate them handsome money to run the children home. One must be aware that, in every children home money is always the much needed thing and some donner really would like to take  undue advantage of such need  to run it and vulnerability of the young child in children home. I have seen really bad and sad condition in some Indian children home that makes the headlines in news paper before it ending in the crime shows tear jerker.

How some people really see opportunity to make money in children home is so ill thought and it sure do make us sick to our stomach but whether we like it or in reality there are alway people who will keep doing so and keep taking advantage of those people, and also journalist who will keep their hawks eyes in this place. What to say about those who steals from those children or the one who work in these places thinking they can have free access to those young girls, where they can sexually molest them.  

About six months before one such false sexual molestation news break on national news paper really spoiled the image of a good hearted social worker in just a day. All her good work of 20 years was gone into the drain. what can you say about such journalist who seek instant fame ? Why its so hard for people to accept that it's ok to be abused by  parents but not in children homes ? why ? if parents can have hard times in a day break sometimes can't the staff at the children's home break loose ? or they are paid so they are not expected but  parents are not paid so they can do what they can ? or they are the one who give their child birth so they can do what they can ?

Its not that  Mamta don't shower her young child with excessive love when things are normal but when she gets mad things are really ugly. Can't help but think it was better to be raised in Bal Mandir because there were not overdose of love and overdose of abuse. I think too much of everything  imbalance life.  Ever since  I have seen this I started resenting this kind of unpredictable behavior  in a matter of a moment. I think this kind of behavior is the reason behind the crimes people commit in society. Are not most of the the heinous criminals and murder are raised  by mood swinging mothers ?

I keep watching crime shows and always try to understand why some men commit crimes. Sometimes my mind wanders in the wild zone while trying to find the answer. I have seen sometimes some men are so sweet in a moment and then their mood swings just like that and then suddenly they are unpredictable in next moment and then they end  up committing crime with that wild mood swing. Did this boys [men] were raised by mother who is so unpredictable like Mamta ?

I have read in a survey that children who are raised by caretakers are better than the children who are raised by parents or mainly mothers. Now I think Lucky me ! There were not the mother like Mamta who showered me with love in a moment and then went into unthinkable rage in the next. What difference it makes even that kind of mood swings makes her cry once she beats her own child brutally ?

Me as Sexual assault Victim

Gopal and an another guy whose name I don't even know was having a minor dispute. They were in bit lower part of the area than me and I was standing in upper row of the land. Gopal was maintaining his ‘cool’ but it was obvious that the other guy was having hard time to remain polite. No doubt, he was so unnerved by what he just had seen.

Up from my place I could not hear what they were discussing and why one was so agitated   and why Gopal was so calm and composed even hearing his young friend’s in angry tone. Up from there watching both of them, I was thinking the guy who was angry was on the wrong side and Gopal was just being polite. Later on I checked with Gopal what they were discussing and why the other guy was so angry with him ?  Then it hit me that Gopal was trying to escape from the unwanted situation and the younger guy wanted him to stand for  one a girl in the picnic team, who was handled with  wrong intention badly by the bad guy and that to he was not the stranger in the group.

I get really mix kind of feelings to see the two side of a man, at the same time; when one man assaults or rapes and at times kills a girl/woman and the other other man feels more angry than the women who are victim of the rapist sick mentality. Ok leave the big picture now; as I am going to focus on the guy who was assaulting a girl in the picnic team.

Here I have to admit it now I still have not talk about this issue until  now to anyone. Knowing me being so strong yet not having the courage to talk about it even to my closest friends until now.

It was that guy vary guy who used to sexually abuse me when I was younger than 10 years, perhaps I would have been eight or nine years old.  This did not happened in Bal Mandir but it happened in the School. I see me in my memory lane today; me crying and trying to run away from him and he corning me with an ugly look on his face and a stone on one of his hand to throw at me any time if I tried to escape from the direction he wanted me to run and hide. I think that stone was his tool to scare me, not to really use. The place where he used to corner me was one of the most quiet place in Bal Mandir.  

This, in fact; used to be the place where we used to hide ourselves behind the trees, if we have to hide ourselves from the adult. This place was outside wall that separated the big lawn in front of our school. There is one small place that is behind the wall, covered with tall grass and trees. Its shape is triangular, thus we used to call it teenkune for our easiness.  This used to happen almost at the same time when the bell used to ring to announce the start of the class. Once we were there, he used to put me on his lap. He used to put his spit on his finger and then he used to touch my private parts and then maybe he used to insert his fingers. It was so hard for me to open my eyes and look into his face;  I hated every minute of it. I hated this guy and I really wanted to run away from him. He was not much older than me may be about 5 -6 years more than me but even today I really don't know that exact difference. I must have missed many of my classes due to his abuse and ill-intention but today its bit blurred in my mind that how much all this affected my study but that deep seated hatred has not gone yet.

I was never a crybaby nor the the kind of girl anyone could bully me or intimidated me under his/her influence regardless of their age.  Yet, the reality was perhaps some called it denial. Even worse part of it was, this was something I could never ever talk to anyone, not even with my best friend. I was not the kind of introvert and tolerated people for their bullshit either yet I just could not talk about this with anyone. It sure has to do with our society's way of viewing sex as taboo and the one who is involved in it has to have a character issue.  No wonder, I used to get irritated in front of him and I used to blabber in a way it was not easy for other girls to understand me why I was so uneasy and uncomfortable around him. I once remember I was blabbering seeing him in dance room and I was so agitated in front of all my friends that he hit me  on my face with his fist. The force of it was so hard  that it pilled my soft skin from the face. It sure was so not easy for other girls to understand my behavior, who viewed this guy as a normal guy and just like other guys who were in Bal Mandir. I really have not spoken about it and this is first time I am talking about.

For some reason once I was in dance group when I was around ten years old all this suddenly stopped. However, that was the face I hated most, not only in Bal Mandir but in my life also. Even today after all this years I hate to take his name and not just that name as his name; but all the guy who shares his name; lacks my unconscious respect which I can't control even if I really want not to see them as the guy who sexually abused me when I was so young. I mean to say that hatred has not faded out even the time has passed by decades.

Even if, I myself have been the victim of sexual abuse and rape later on I still strongly believe, rapist should not be punished hang to death; its only the short term solution and the angry decision is not the justice. We women have to decide we want sympathy or the long term decision. Agreed, I want to kill my rapist but I don't want to spend rest of my life behind the bar after that, because I am worth a lot better life than that. Fine, I can't trust him that he will not do it again with another woman but still the death penalty is not the lasting solution. Here I am talking about justice, not the angry decision or individual decision on this matter. To be honest they should be faced boldly and we must gather enough confidence to look into their eyes and say that, “you can't control me” or “even if you want to I will not allow you to do so.” Trust me it kills men more than the death sentence itself. There are kind of men in our society,  the abuser and the rapist falls in this category hate the confidence we women exude in us. Lets face them !

Emotional Violence

It seems I am a kind of nagger when I remember the harsh behavior I had faced during my time in Bal Mandir. They used to use very demeaning words to scold us, respect was the unheard word and dignity ? what it is which birds name it was ? They took pride in degrading us using derogatory language most of the time. even the calling was not so good experience and tell me tell you even the children used to use almost the same tone to each other not just adults. At times it was as close as treating like dogs. No, No not the dog owners who treated them with respect like the PETA members. When I look back and try to understand, sometimes, I think maybe I am just too sensitive or touchy to feel that way but the harsh truth cant be changed just because it was painful for us to experience it like that.

In recent years, I started watching some crime shows, to study human behavior and to understand why some people behave the way they do and why do they commit crime ? Most of the crimes takes place in family members and the victim are dear ones. When police try to connect all the dots during investigation it reveals that some crime was the result of   emotional violence which they face years and one day it burst up in such a way that it sheds blood like anything. It shocks the town and then is the time when people stops believing even in the blood relationship.

Recently, I was watching the webbed a program that comes in MTV there was a brother who stole the girlfriends of his younger brother for very short time; so that he can hurt him. Instead he wanted to hurt his father but to him if he hurts his brother it will indirectly hurt his father who was dotted in his younger son compared to his older one. The oldest one thought he had tormented his life when he was young. His father had kept his brother with him but sent him to the boarding school because in his own word his father wanted him to fulfill his ‘second hand dream’ which he never wanted to live.

With his one act he broke the heart of his younger brother, the girl got killed when they took the wrong medicine from the internet to abort the pregnancy that was caused by the older brother. All this brother wanted to do was to take a revenge with his father and not even his younger brother. This shows the  dark side of inferiority complex which the oldest brother had been living for so long. At this moment, I must tell you that the youngest brother was loved and liked by his father and was much successful in his career than his oldest brother.

In our society its also called act of jealousy. But the root of it has in home and the father had cultivated that in the young mind ever since he was very young. And the result was very scary and an innocent girl had to sacrifice her life.

It is natural not everyone is equally bright and smart and not all can't do good like their siblings and then they suffer long or commit suicide due to excessive comparing; or live life under the shadow of his/her bright and smart sibling, which again is not good for anyone who is not smart enough for the world. The movie Tare Jamin Par sheds some light on this matter how parents discriminates among their own child and how it impart on the young mind; especially when they don't know how to say it. We need to do something on this matter rather than saying he is so jealous or envious of his.

Last year, I saw one more such real life crime case which shook my soul and made me ponder why some young people commits crime ?  In a remote village of India there was a girl of 16 years, who fell in love with a guy who were not from her own caste. The villager were against it and worse than that, her own family members were against it. She belonged to a very small town where the thinking pattern of the people were even narrower than the town itself. To keep her away from the boy, her parents  sent her to the other town to stay with her relatives; presuming out of sight and out of mind would work on this matter. But she was young and the boy was not out of mind, indeed it works as reverse psychology. More she was told to stay away from him, more she wanted to be with him. What is even more hard to swallow that she was not trusted to go out from her new place even to take a fresh breath of air and she was given her meal in her room which was locked when no one was around.

Having been grown up in Bal Mandir my personal experience says that, if you treat people like an animal, they will surprise you acting like one. This is a human tendency. So, one day she felt she must escape from the caged life. But she was locked in her room and the key of the outside gate was with the relative of her - aunt - who was alone at that time. Her uncle and cousin had gone out of home for for about a couple of days. She had to do something to got out and take the key. It so happened that in her desperation and anger she ended up killing her.

See, I am not trying to justify her criminal behavior but it was because of emotional violence she had to face for so long and ultimately one day she turned out to be the criminal at the young age of 16. Why because she was in love and wanted to be her boyfriend for the rest of her life and which was denied. Can we blame it entirely to her for the tragic ending of a live and her own life ending up in jail ?

There was another girl who committed suicide [again in India ] because she could not meet the expectation of her fathers demand to bring 98% in her final school exam. Do not presume she was a bad student, she was third in her class and her passing percentage was 89% but her father wanted it to be 98%. When the final exam came closer she felt the tremendous pressure and realized that she cannot make it even if she put all her might and knowledge so one day she took a bottle of poison and emptied it on her mouth. Before they   rushed her to the hospital she was dead.  When police wanted to file the case or give them clean chit, even then the father was in denial that he had anything to do in her death because he stressed that all he wanted was best for her daughter and good marks meant good education for her and good life. But what education if she had no life at all ? But the sad news is that the father will live on guilt all his life whether he admits it or not.

I know one thing for sure I am lucky in this matter, I was not raised in family and  the one who brought me up did not expected anything from me to be this or that in my life so there was no pressure me[us] to that extent that broke me like that. Oh  yes, they were paranoid about having a boyfriend and getting close with them. It really took me long time to understand that I was not that much violated to that extent in Bal Mandir during my childhood. Had I not seen those Indian shows and movies and real crime cases I would never ever have understood my own condition or be thankful to the condition that was a gift in disguise.  Emotional violence do have power to impact people for long time to come and the result at times is bit scary than we think it may bring.

Teenage sex

Its been couple of weeks now, I have been writing about the teen age sex and hyperactive behavior related with teenage sex or sexual activities, which I have grown watching during my time in Bal Mandir. I talked about how hyper the caregiver or the housemothers were and how they treated to those who were considered overtly active in experiencing the feel of the sex at that very young age. At one point it was understandable because that was the time abortion was not easily available nor the other protective methods were available easily in market like today.

Talk of sex has always been regarded taboo [then and now], so there was no talk about it and people always avoided talking about sex. Sex education or awareness about it was unheard of the subjects then. However, people were judged even for showing curiosity in this subject matter forget having affairs with boys. All we have to talk is to turn somebody who were as raw and inexperienced as we are. No good books on this subject were ever handed over to us. Direct physical involvement was regarded as characterless and judged by that one act for entire life. But barring it only added curiosity and some ended doing it secretly, anyway this is very private affair to invade too much in somebody’s private life.

But, it was never about how to educate the young child about sex, or its consequences later on. So, that they could avoid the common trap and mistake, which is faced by every parents in every continent in the world of all generations. Even today prevention from the   consequences of affair is regarded as character issue than mere stupid mistake teenagers are known for.

But here I am more interested to know, are adult always right to presume that teenagers always make mistake or do they have to be hyper reactive and hyper protective about the sexual activities teenagers involve in ? Personally, I think some time they just need to relax and understand the teenagers way of handling it and see how things move ? When they worry about the lack of knowledge in teenagers ? Do they always make the mistake when they tangle in unwanted relationship or . here is what I have learned in my growing years.  Sometimes teenagers do teach us adult lot more than what adult can preach us whole life. Here are two such case.

I remember watching the movie Juno a story of a British teenage girl. It is about a sixteen year old girl’s journey to her pregnancy period and her way of handling the case without any adult helping her to tell her do this or do that. She got pregnant after a playful hour she spent with her boy friend who was as old as she is. They were in the same class.

At the age of sixteen she gives a birth to baby when she herself is a child in every manner but the whole movie tells us more than teenage sex or a mistake that make a girl a mother overnight. Just because a girl becomes pregnant do we have to be hyperactive or judgmental to the cases like this ? Are teenager  in need of help or adult also make the same kind of stupid mistakes all the time, despite their grown body but not developed brain ?

Although, the story of Akash* is a lot different, than that of Juno in the movie. In his teen years and even now, Akash is very much regular guy. I thought, Akash was the type of boy who would marry early in his life and then have houseful of children before the age of forty; or that's what I have the image about him in my mind. He is very jolly fellow like any other guy on the street and very much regular guy. Besides that he used to date with number of girls in his teen years. One of the girl Akash used to date was a girl named Sharmila*, with whom he fell in love.

To me the only unusual thing about him today is, he is still unmarried, which made me very curious about it. I just wanted to know why this jolly fellow is still not married ? Because this is very sensitive issue and very private and personal affair by all means; and at the same time, I do not have habit of poking my nose into somebody else bedroom stories also. But may be luckily, I do have friends, who don't mind digging and sharing private matters with their friends. This also could be the case every best friends have another best friends. However, for this being private affair, It took me more than twenty years to know about the truth.

The truth that really makes us think hard about the teenage sex being just unprotected sex   or fear factor associated with it. Teenage sex is more than curiosity or experience the feel of sex nor it is always stupid mistake. It speaks very much the same language as for the adult and it binds the couple in its power. Its a story of a young couple who were in constant physical relationship during their teenage years. Well, in this case she did end up being pregnant, as he seem to be knowing about ‘safe sex’ at that young age ! Or maybe both of them were sexually literate than others of their age.

After high school, their way got separated and Sharmila have to leave country, while Akash left behind. During the following years they were in constant touch but slowly the communication was reduced to nil. Although, they are not my close friends, but due to the vast  circle friends we enjoy in Bal Mandir, I always have tits and bits of their news in my hand.

In their adult life it so happened that, both of them could not let go of their first love; but, it affected more to the guy than the girl. Just a couple of years before I came to know that Sharmila got married with a foreigner, when she was in her early forty and it was her first marriage. Sad news for Akash, even when she moved on with another man after taking long time to make her mind. He still have not been able to move from his past memories.

Sometimes adult just have to hold the urge to preach and then learn what teenager can teach us with their mistakes.

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* Names changed to protect privacy.
And please read the earlier post to understand more in detail about this post, Fear and Intolerance.

What is sex, taboo, fear or intolerance ?

When I was growing up adult around us, especially ladies; were hyper concerned about we young girls mingling with men of any age. It was not something viewed as normal in any way. They were dead scared about the sexual activities amongst the young children who would have indulged in their teen or pre-teen years. Most of the staff were unnaturally scared about this particular issue and so they used to fill our young mind about the fear associated about sex. Honestly speaking about it, Fear of physical contact or possible molestation was injected in our mind long before, we could even understand what exactly was the meaning of sex is or what the word physical relations meant.  Some of my friends who were having affairs during their teenage, were regarded as the one with loose characters. Their ‘boyfriends’ at times used be the sole subject and reason they were judged and humiliated, in front of others children despite their all other good qualities or good grades in school. And sometimes, even if they were serious about it. I do remember, in my teen years, I was regarded as a ‘good girl’ by some women who worked in Bal Mandir, just because I was never interested in boys/men like my friends and my other flaws was ignored like I was never meek, obedient or disciplined. These qualities just ran from me.  

Before we learned about the meaning of word sex or reproductive science, we were infused about the news of men bring ‘bad’ who come in all size and shape. I remember a housemother  losing her sanity when she tried to unclothe the two teenage girls, who were ‘spotted’ having cozy times with men [god knows who] or it was reported they were ‘seen’ with them. In my vague memory of a young girl [I was younger than twelve]. I see an agitated woman Sabitri Basnyat the most notorious housemother,  Bal Mandir ever saw. She was infamous due to her brute language and crude  behavior. Needless to mention, she was shouting at two girls who were standing in front of her with their heads down, scared and dejected. I cant remember any particular dialogues in this case nor I remember who the men was. Although, I can't remember the clear questions, but the memory of it really haunts me even today. I remember those two girls name clearly and the shout, scream, accusation, and tough interrogation demanding to know the answers of plenty questions. The kind of rough handling to young girls and her ever insulting and humiliating behavior exhibited by Sabitri Basnyat, towards those two girls refuses to leave my mind even today.

Because, they were in the medicine room for check up ‘virginity text’ or something like that; otherwise why on earth they were in medicine room ? I was  watching it from outside the room or maybe I have entered in the room, when all this was happening. It was Bal Mandir in early 80s and showing a little bit respect to the children who lived there was something unheard of there fore one has to go on public for even a private affair like sex.

 

These two girls, lets call them Meeta and Binita were on holiday after failing to their nursing training. Perhaps, they were almost in their late teen years and used to go to one maternity hospital for some work then. The way they were treated then, makes me wonder to ask a question now; were adult around us really protective or they feared about the unwanted teen pregnancy in the months to come. But, that kind of behavior cannot be interpreted as hyper protective or fear of uncertainty. One thing for sure, I am sure it was not the both, instead was something different. Today, when I am full grown and look back trying to understand what is that ? I can sense there was some kind of hatred and intolerance towards all those children. the truth is that and it was not limited to only those who were regarded as ‘sexually active’ and ready to mingle with any guy at any given time which is a teenage issue around the world.  I still try to understand what they were doing with those two girls ? I doubt they were anywhere close of being either protective or fear of sex.  

That kind of disrespectful manner to treat a problem of and trying to unclothe them forcefully is so insulting and humiliating, rather than; simply asking them it in decent manners but decency was so alien words to us then. Not surprisingly that behavior made me feel so angry and disgusted towards the housemother, therefore, I wanted to inject long injection syringe which was kept on the pan for boiling after its use. I not only wanted to stab it into her fat arms.  not just that I wanted to break it there so it will be hard to yank it off.

Interestingly, Sabitry Basnyat was having an extramarital affair, with a man who was married and have already five children of his own. He used to visit her regularly in Bal Mandir and their daughter Pratibha [who is in police force now a days] was conceived when she was serving her term in Bal Mandir as housemother. Later she switched her 24/7 service to the office area making it 9 -5 only, when her pregnancy could not be hidden and she was taken to the same house where her step resided with her children. Oh yes, she married the same old man.

Today; when I look back and try to understand, was that kind of hyper reactive behavior had true intention to protect us from unwanted situation ?  I really doubt so. Many times, it was pure insult, humiliation and intolerance towards the mistakes [we made]; during our time in Bal Mandir.  It never matter who made the mistake, or what kind of mistakes we made. Because, it was simply assumed we just should not make the mistake.

Has that kind of behavior have ever been successful to keep young children not to be attracted with opposite sex ? Again, I doubt so nor it will ever work, not just in Bal Mandir, because sex is universal truth and fundamental rule of creation of life and children will always made mistake across the world and there will be new way to sort out the problem like condoms or prevention from pregnancy at early stage. But those who make the mistakes will be judged by this all the time. However,  at the same time this is an issue adult has to face in every generation like we eat food for survival.

There was a guy, who I thought will marry and become the father of six children before forty. But he is still unmarried, which made me very curious about this. I just wanted to know why. I came to know about the truth after long time and it has a link of his childhood sexual relationship with his girl when he was not even sixteen. I am told by the best friend of this young couple, that they were in constant physical relationship. Good for them, they knew about the ‘safe sex’ when they were in their teen years ! It so happened that both could not let go of their first love; but, it have more emotional impact and he could not forget his 'first love'. It must have taken him to understand the importance of sex, is language of love and which is biological action and helps to maintain emotional bond between two partners. Sad news for this guy, she moved on with another man. She was over forty when she married first time] after taking long time to make her mind. It all happened when she left Nepal for more than twenty years ago. He still have not been able to move from his past memories.

Self-consciousness

• Growing up in Bal Mandir definitely meant that we were ‘made’ self aware about the fact that we were raised in Bal Mandir. Lets put it in more clear language and better way, there were people around us all the time to remind that we are abandoned by our parents, or some of them left us under the nettle-bush or in hospital because we were unwanted child and if not that, then they would never lose the opportunity to remind us that we were orphans. The ‘others’ will view us differently. There are and always will be the kind of people who will think of us with different light; regardless of what we are in reality.  We will be judged by the condition and background not by our virtue and this fact will never leave us.

To the young mind of ours it was not quite easy to grasp this kind of complicated concept, something like self awareness. Definitely not when we were growing up in Bal Mandir with two hundred children around us, all the time; whose story was not much different than ours. 

But the question keeps coming in my mind, how come this kind of self awareness gripped us from that very young age ? What made us so self conscious about our condition ? Were we always that self conscious about ourselves and our situations and people around us ? Were we smart enough to know about our conditions were different than that of the people who grew up in normal family ? I doubt so. We sure have people around us, who were working side this voluntarily and without our knowledge most of the time. When I look back and try to understand it, to know; why they did this ? What was the motive behind this when they inflicted self awareness about our desperate condition in our young minds ? Was finding us in Bal Mandir was that bad condition; that, we have to be self conscious about it all the time ? 

My mind is traveling back in my memory lane and searching its answer. Not surprisingly, I  remember one such incident when we were made self aware about us.

Let me share you what I remember, Geeta Basnet was in a team of staff  at NCO - Nepal Children's Organisation and she perhaps was the program coordinator, who used to organize programmes, that used to take place in Bal Mandir on regular basis. Once there was a singing competition going on, perhaps this was an inter-school competition. I am bit blurred in my memory about this particular singing competition because the biggest one used to take place in August or September during the birth month of Queen Mother. 

However like many children who took part in this competition Parvati was also one of the contestant. She was not just my roommate but also was my classmate. We used to share the same bench also in that cram pack seat, where seven to eight girls used to sit, back in our school days.

• Luckily, at the end of the competition she learned that she was one of the winner securing her position in top three, in that singing competition. It was time for Geeta Basnet to prepare her announcement news. But; before she prepared it, she sat down with Parvati and then started convincing her to say that you took part in this singing competition from your school and not from Bal Mandir. She did not understand it first, what ms. Basnet wanted to imply; so coordinator clarified it again. See, this program will be announced in  national Radio - only one then and newspapers - at that time there was only two, one in national language, which is obviously Nepali  and another in English. It will be read and heard by everyone and everywhere. Therefore, it will be better if you say you took part in this singing competition from your school instead of Bal Mandir. Confused Parbati sought the approval of her few friends who had circled her there. They also thought perhaps the coordinator was right and meant good for her. After getting her friends approval, she gave her nod for that slight change of information. Geeta Basnet then made the necessary changes before circulating the announcement of winners to TV, Radio and newspapers. I am quite not sure we have TV then in our country, or we may have TV but it was on trial transmission then.

The very next day, at our school one of the teacher had heard the news on Radio the previous evening, so he broke it  to Parbati with congratulation. Needless to mention, she felt soo good, when her teacher said that. He added, he ‘felt so good to hear’ the name of our school winning the singing competition, which they have never prepared not sent any student for the said competition. The teacher whose name was Hari Sir, also added, admitting that he felt good to hear the name of his school on national Radio out of blue. No doubt, the confidence level of Parbati was boosted then, when she found that her name was announced on Radio [ which we missed entirely] after winning the competition. 

She was took part in that competition purely because, she was one of us in Bal Mandir. The singing competition was one of the regular program for which the opportunity was created by NCO; the managing body of Bal Mandir, part of its engaging program to all. But, the staff or people in the management felt ‘uncomfortable’ to float the news outside the Bal Mandir premises that  one of the winner was from Bal Mandir.

It might take long time for me to understand why adult inject such useless feelings in young minds and make them feel so belittle. My experience says that you really don't have to work real hard to make feel someone inferior when they already feel so. But, the question is, were we smart enough to understand what she was doing with our fertile mind, then ?  Was that just a manifestation of a behavior of  how an adult exhibit the hatred towards their work and place they work ? Or do I ever understand her true intention; entirely ?

Damaged Subconscious Mind can this be Repaired ?

• I do remember reading couple of articles where writers; mostly, psychologists believe that people who were raised poorly do have chances of ending their lives in crime world. Some believe inside out of those articles and the the logic put forth by psychologist. There is also preconceived notion people do have in their mind about the people, who were raised in children’s homes, like me ? When I first read one of it, I have to admit it, I believed every bit of it but then  after some time I started doubting that it being superficial instead of in depth knowledge.

Now, I am reading again subconscious mind chapter in the book, think and grow rich by Napoleon Hill and the writer’s believe about how the faith is formed and how much the said  and read words in repetition plays a huge role in forming our faith and confidence is build based the same. Positive thinking will have positive impact and negative thinking will have negative impact in our life. Before that, I have read Dr. Paul Yonggi Cho in his book, The Fourth Dimension about the power of spoken words and how and why it works in our brain. There he has mentioned about a neuroscientist, who revealed that the speech nerve is in the center of our brain; which rules all other nerve cells once the word is ‘received’ by this nerve system. Then, I suddenly understood why those psychologist do have reason to believe what they believed and wrote down on papers. Perhaps that is the reason, when I read it first and was so tempted to believe in it the concept.

Now, suddenly all the negative comments tossed carelessly in our young brain started playing in my mind and if I have totally forgotten then I know for sure that most of the people who came out from the Bal Mandir, sure do not end up in jail or acquainted to the crime world but despite all their education they do not went on to become where our education could have lead us in general.

At one hand I am happy that none of our friends ended up in jail or in the crime world [ at least not to my knowledge] and at the other hand I am wondering, why they did not enjoy the better life despite the good education and all kinds of self help training we were provided in Bal Mandir while growing up ?

Does this has anything to do with all the negative things hurled when we were so young and that was absorbed by our young minds without our consent ? Most of the staff from almost all level talked with us in such disrespectful manner its really hard to understand why they felt so comfortable in doing so as if it was their birthright to treat us like that. So they talked with us without feeling a little bit guilty about it. It took me really long time to understand what they were doing so but not why they were doing. Honestly speaking, I did not know about the words like dignity, self-respect, self-esteem, self-confidence, fragile self-esteem or inferiority complex until I was in college. Those were very unheard words in the world I lived. I wonder all the time was that in our control to protect us from all those negativity, disrespect and hatred for no reason whatsoever ?  what we did not know was its lasting impact in our our mind as well as our life ? but now I need to know the answer   what can be done to get over from those carelessly tossed negativity in our minds ?

Now a days the one question keep coming in my mind, can we do anything to erase all the negative things that once was those carelessly tossed negativity in our minds when we were so young and innocent ? and if the answer is yes ! then how much time its going to take ?

Now, suddenly I remember burying myself in books of all types and kinds as a child. Was that my way of ‘protecting myself’ from unfavorable environment. Later on when I was out from Bal Mandir I found a magazine and was hooked on to it like anything. ‘cover to cover’ as one of my boss observed about me later when she noticed how much I love reading Readers Digest. Still I did not find my answer as that was not the time I was  seeking the answer that bugs me so much now a days. the question popped up in my mind   when I started writing my blog.

Although, I was not understanding why I liked reading Readers Digest I was yet to know its lasting impact in my mind. As in due course of time, it changed my way of thinking things around me and about people too. I kept myself away from negative thinking people but to be true it really took me decades to know that too.  Again I have to admit it I am super slow unlike some who think I am extremely bright.

But then some time ago I came to read about a study by a sociologist from John Hopkins university, who had sent a group of students to a slum area at Baltimore. The first group were not so hopeful about the good life for 200 young children they have studied and predicted that most of them will end up their life in jail.

The same professor sent another group of students to track down and study the same children after 25 years later. To the surprise of the student these children had not ended their life in jail instead most of them were earning and living a decent life than, that was predicted by the first group of students.

Now, they wanted to know the answer why and where the prediction went wrong. This group of student or perhaps the professor, who was very determined to find the answer, why so.

They came to know about a teacher who taught most of these children who went to the same school of that area and her name was Sheila O’Rourke. She was a very religious by faith and believed in Jesus so she treated this young children just like she treated any of her other students. She treated them with love and respect.

Love and respect do have power to change the all the negative thought that was registered in our mind when we are so young but somebody has to keep doing so repeatedly; so that it will erase all that negativity that was registered in our mind long time back before we can even remember.

The study of sociologist professor from John Hopkins university did something good for me, which the superficial knowledge of most of the physiologist could not help find the deeper answer for person like me. At least now, I have the answer to the most complex thing; I thought I would never ever find. The only thing that pains me to say that it may have taken most of the staff at Bal Mandir to inject those negative comments about us in couple of years [ long before I was bright enough to rubbish them for whatever they said or predict about us] but it took me 20 years understand it and then work on to erase it.

Late Edition : you might find this link very helpful to understand about the above article more.