Loud and Clear

• On one of thoee rare occation when I was talking about the rough and harsh behavior manifested by many staff in Bal Mandir, almost unexpectedly Mrs Shrestha asked me, “was  she  used to be that rough in her behavior, when you were in Bal Mandir ?” When she said ‘she’, she meant the junior Mrs Shrestha, who used to teach us stitching and tailoring; who in due course of time became her close and most supportive staff member. My prompt answer then was, “no” but then my mind started wandering in memory zone, when she had made her point of discrimination loud and clear without using a single word or being abusive at all. 

Unlike other who think when the word is not said  to vent one’s anger or frustration then this is the best thing in life and silence is the best way to deal with some people. I don't think words good or bad is the only means of communication to make other understand you loud and clear; there are many people, who won't speak yet communicate a lot. All we have to do is to pay close attention to those silent gesture or the medium to understand what they mean when they are not using a word. But not all are silent to make you understand what he/she means there are people who will be loud and clear to make you understand it.

Room nannies, whom we used to call didis used to used to talk with majority of children in such a harsh, disrespectful and derogatory manners. It was not so easy for me to shake my head even after all these years. I still get agitated and irritated when I hear such tone and voice and do my level best to avoid it, because those memories do not carry and good feelings to reminisce, when the memories are so haunting.

But, when it came to housemothers they used disrespectful words as well as physical abuse. I am quite not sure about it; but, it was not nannies were not allowed to beat us, so it was left to housemothers to take actions, if we made any mistakes. Maintaining discipline had only one option back then, and it was beating young children like animals that to in front of all other children. I guess if these people would have been seen beating animals in developed countries they would have land in behind the bars for being so cruel to the young children but damn we were not lucky to have such intellects around us who thought like that. Barbaric beating, verbal abuse and kicking was rights of housemothers. Although not all the housemothers were as cruel as Sabitri Basnyat but still smack of stick or the thud sound was practiced by them when they  got mad of the mistakes children made and it was viewed as intentional not as a mere childish mistake then.

Room nannies and housemothers were the 24/7 staff. With so many children around, lets presume for a second, that it was their rights to be mad with their daily grinding work. Then there were staff at the NCO, who did not have to deal with us on round the clock, yet they used to be impatience with us. Fine, some of the staff were in constant touch with us and they too did felt comfortable to vent their frustrations but they were not as abusive in verbal way as the illiterate nannies. Instead, some of them never said a bad and nasty words, yet they expressed their discriminating behavior in different way than one could imagine. You can read more about Sabitri Basnyat which I have posted before, The New hair style.

I do remember once an ‘aunty’ opening up with me regarding her frustration with another staff, who used to look after purchase and he also was storekeeper. In one particular year, he was tight on his budget and wanted her to stick on quota of buying clothes. She was our tailoring teacher as well as, she also used to cut the entire dresses our our need and we used to run those dresses under the machine to make it wearable. She found it very intimidating and wanted to teach him a lesson, and she ended up outsmarting her senior buying cheaper quality clothes and submitting the same price tag that he wanted her to stick.

Here, pay the attention to the fact, she was not abusing nor she ever raised her voice to us; whenever she lost her cool but that outsmarting her senior only manifested how discriminating she was without even saying a word. Besides, she never hesitated to steal clothes for her personal use. No wonder she is very secretive and she maintained that always very strictly. You can read more about her in earlier post, I love you just like my daughter.

The purchase officer and storekeeper was no less leech than her; when it comes to corrupt mind and degrading the quality of food we ate in Bal Mandir. I have heard he was a real time thief also, who did not blink eyes before stealing goods specially foods. Oh yes ! he too did it discreetly so, I do not remember this being a talk of the office, ever, as he never lost his job when I was in Bal Mandir.

This particular person used to pass negative comments  but now I really forgot the harsh words he used for us but its not easy for me to forget the low grade food we had to eat when people knew, the kind hearted people used to pour their heart out to give generously, so that we have all that we need to grow up well. You can read about him in, Greed has no limit and God’s Justice on my earlier post.

Then there were teachers who also voiced negatively about the children in Bal Mandir but those voicing was not harsh, irritated but it its tone was very negative and degrading than it should have come from a well educated and intellect persons, who were our teachers. Its not easy to remember all tini tiny things that were said and most of it we have forgotten also but they did discriminated us in their own way, which I did not understood when I was young child and I really have to grow and think hard to get it. Sometimes, its okay to be stupid; otherwise it hurts so much to understand the hidden meaning of those discriminating behavior. You can get the hint of it in my earlier post in the math teacher.

But then if I had thought the words not said are weightless and good for everyone than that of the harsh and derogatory words hurled at us by those illiterate nannies and heart bleeding words by the housemother, which kept hammering us when we were young and innocent. How wrong I was. I have known Mrs Shrestha for very long as she was in middle management in Bal Mandir and now after almost 30 years of her work experience she heads one Children home which is entirely funded by Swiss People. She is well educated, she had completed her masters from US and comes from well to do family.

She is mean, but honestly speaking her voice is more mean sounding than she exactly mean it. She is straight forward rather than harsh but at times she is brutally honest than needed to be specially when she herself was never been the part of fundraising programs to run the charity she has been doing for decades. No, she never use abusive words for us as its more insulting to her position and background than for us to hear that. Definitely not directly. But then how she made her discriminating behavior loud and clear without using a single words.

Its easy, may be for her but to me this is how the educated people make their intention heard heard loud and clear. Two of my inmates from Bal Mandir, Ritu and Bimala, [Ritu is dead now] and Bimala provide her home service to please her because she had approved  the scholarship plan for their children, free education in good English medium school which otherwise they could not have afford in the project she has been working for about two decade. What you need to understand here is they extend their hand for menial household works like cleaning and washing despite both of them had gone to college. Mrs Shrestha permanent helper never gone to school that's why this piece of news has power to nag me most than anything.

It takes lots of people to educate one children in Bal Mandir and then the top executive wont find validity and importance in the education they get in college because anyway they are children from Bal Mandir. One question is in my mind can people like Mrs Shrestha work with children who they train them for better education ? and if they can't work with those whom they put their years to provide good education then they are working for what ? what is so interesting here is whenever any new family member joins her, they will be given the top position in the project she is heading here. Read more about her in my earlier post  In the name of prestige and Single Mother.

Do you think I should cry I was part of that discriminated bunch in my life and treated differently because I was a children from Bal Mandir ? And that I was never loved and respected ? You must be kidding ! but this only makes me more interested in the study of human psychology.

New Housemother

 When I look back in my childhood, one thing I remember distinctly is that there hardly used to be change of staff in Bal Mandir, not only in junior level but in middle and top level too. At least I grew up seeing the same faces for years. Its not that the Bal Mandir never used to see new staff over the years, but it was rare. We know this that change is life and of course, there used to be occasional changes of staff. One that has power to play huge impact in my life is the position of Housemothers.  

When I was in about seventh grade Sabity Basnyat the most notorious housemother in the history of Bal Mandir moved to her husband’s home. Because she was the second wife and the man was taking her to the same house where he had his first wife. It was what she was avoiding but when she felt she could not do it anymore, [ she was pregnant with her daughter when she was in Bal Mandir ] then she moved in with him. Because, in those days abortion was way too risky and was not available easily.

When she left there was one housemother,  her name may be Rajju Adhikary; I am sure about her first name but not sure about her last name. She did not last that long. She resented job like anything and pretended she is so superior than us. Her behaviour and body language was the mock story for us and sure amused us as long as she lasted.  I don't even remember how many months, she worded. She must have left without completing her probation period.

And then there was another housemother Durga Pokharel, who replaced Rajju Dijju. This new woman was newly divorced and needed a job to wrap ups her dire financial need to support her and her young child, just don't know how many she had.  She wore so rejected, defeated, and desperate look and her eyes always seemed like blood shoot. May be she used to cry a lot in her solitude; but in our teen years we were not wise enough to read minor things like that.

She had trouble adjusting in new environment. Because she was thrown out from her husband [that's what adult used to talk about in muffled tone], that rejection which she carried in her heart is what became so much trouble for her to adjust with children in Bal Mandir who have their set of troubles to live it. Sure the children were not in mood to take the troubled adults rejection anymore.

She was harsh with us and oh, yes ! we sure made her time harder there in Bal Mandir. Did you just read ‘we made’ ? Today, when I look back, my understanding of the situation is, it was involuntary, but strong reaction of the first action only.

There was time when situation got too worse and her patience wore off. She started resorting to physical abuse. But by this time even the courage of girls had swore off high and they got more bolder facing her physical abuse. I do remember once she got tangled with haring pulling with girls. I was just there at the venue when all that had happened. And I too wanted to get physical like hitting her hard and pulling her hair as she did it and like    other girls did it without even thinking for the consequences.

At that very moment, I remember thinking with my eyes still glaring and my brain thumping in so much anger for finding myself in such condition. I was strong physically and was mentally too is something I know now. I could have thwarted her so easily than other girls but I just swallowed my anger and composed myself with whatever my teen brain allowed me not to get tangle in that kind of messy abusive and uncivilized human behavior.

Again, when I look back try to understand, why she resorted to that kind of abusive behavior towards teen girls ? may be she was angry with boys too but sorry I cant remember theirs story ! I may fail to get it completely, but; I still can try to figure it out. She was thrown out of her house by her husband [ that's what adult muffled] with her young child to take care of and teenagers around the world are very troublesome not just in Bal Mandir. They do have their own set of problems, to face, in life, and where on earth careless bunch of teens have brain enough to understand what is going on in the mind of troubled adult or she was going through ?

When adult do have their own set of problem to sort out in their personal life, they do see problem outside, and outside we were there. So many children like me.  Housemother like Durga Pokharel believed children in Bal Mandir are most uncontrollable, untrainable and disobedient. Before that Sabitri Basnyat believed we need to be tamed like wild dog, remember she was employee of Police force before her posting in Bal Mandir. What she saw, what she practiced.

These housemothers and room nannies we had to call them didi always wondered, why we did not give them due respect ? when they were injecting hatred and treating us like less than human, they were expecting respect in return ! Hard to believe !

Little did I knew it then, I what I am writing here with clear conscience. Clarity was never there in my thinking, when I was in my teen years or even in my mid 20s, which comes so naturally now. Everything was so fuzzy and confusing. I thought, we hated them or I hated them, but why would I hate them where there was absence of love and respect ? I know now, I did not hated them, none of them, it was just I just could not give them the respect they expected from us.

In a moment like this, I remember Kalpana [she was mild mentally retard] who used to tell this line again and again to those who treating her like crazy and called her like that also, “if you treat me like one, I behave like one.”

Lesson learned after the Accident

It was afternoon time and the day was Friday. Most of the staff had gathered near the main gate area waiting for others staffs to join them to ride in a bus so that they can leave office for home on that particular day.  But before the bus left with staff that day a horrible accident happened, which shook all the those who witness the scene.

Next day was the Saturday, the big front lawn is opened for us to play all day so when we went out there was big space covered by the blood stains nearby the gate. Of course not blood but may be people who was suppose to clean it was in too much shock to clean it completely. It was only brushed and then tried to cover it up, with some sand that was nearby. Sand or the dusty dry clay had absorbed the blood but not cleaned it entirely at the spot where accident had taken place.

Its not easy for me, today to remember the month or even the season, when that grave accident happened. Forget about that, I don't even know how old I was when this happened. But like it happens in life always, it  happens when one is least prepared.

During that time Bal Mandir had one big bus, which needless to tell you, it got as donation. It used to serve as a shuttle bus to all the staffs of the Nepal Children’s Organisation and may be also to the Social Welfare Council, although I am quite not sure about this part. If I was not mistaken this, it was the biggest bus at that time. Or maybe it was biggest bus because, I had no idea how big bus in time used to roll in the street of Kathmandu during that era. You know, I was kind of jail of Bal Mandir. We were never used to go out but the place was so big in itself that we hardly needed to go out to play with our friends and we had enough friends to spend time with also. However, please don't get me wrong, we not needing to go out was planned as there used to be a 24 hour gatekeeper stationed at the door, who used to sleep in the attached room, who was to make sure that we don't cross that main door.

I really don't know what exactly went wrong that day, was there bus helper missing on that particular day ? No idea. But, as the driver was taking a hard and long turn to steer its wheel heading towards the gate and a slight turn of a wheel, a lady staff came under its merciless powerful wheel, which killed her instantly.

As I am trying to remember the name of the driver and its really not striking in my head. See, I am not known for my good memory power.  It really stuns me to get it that we used to call him with his name thousands of time, when we were young yet I can't remember the very name. Maybe his name was Asta Dai. After that incident he had to face the police case and he was even jailed for the death.

Death of a woman or the jail for the driver of the bus was just the beginning of a story only. But, the story does not end there. Not all the death or the accidental kill by a driver is premeditated, which needs to be punished every time such death happens in ones life. As the lady whose name was Mira, was not married, there was no one who could mourn the death of her for whole year as they do here in Nepal. Anyone can identify those mourners by paying slight observation, because they wear white dress from top to bottom for a whole year. Therefore, Asta Dai did all needed rituals during the months that followed, all the ritual as her son would have done if she was married and have children. By caste they were way different, he was from newar community and she was from bahun community but that accident just eliminated that caste bar for him. He did served certain months maybe in jail; as I am not quite sure about the full term he served then but that accident did gave us a chance to see the other side of him the better side of him, as a good human being and not just as a good worker. And all this came in light because there was a sudden death, a life that was shorted without a warning, an accident which could not be averted.

When I look back and try to understand the lesson this particular incident  left in my mind is this teach me one lesson, distinctly. Accident happens when we least expect it and when we are least prepared. No one can predict it, control it and no one can avert it too, but how we face it define us who we are rather than who we were before the accident. We all used to see him from the different kind of respect even if his slightest mistake cut short a life.

Asta Dai was a good man and one of the best driver but he was a good human being deep in his heart was revealed, only when there was that horrible accident which took one woman's life.

Haunted or being watched ?

Last year, I met Manju didi after almost twenty two years, at a friends apartment; where we had gathered a day after Ritu’s death. She was very hard working lady. She used to work in as an assistant to the school  I went as a child and then as a part time job, she grew vegetables at the kitchen garden in Bal Mandir.

When she told us, that her monthly pay as a school assistant was Rs. 70 back then and she used to make almost the same amount of money working in Bal Mandir in the morning and evening during vegetable planting seasons only. Because we needed all kinds of vegetables to consume for 200 people and there was plenty of lands to grow vegetables, it was almost 6 months of job for her. She used to make Rs 1 for one times work, whether its morning or evening and she was also paid, a time’s meal after that. That was the time, money seemed to have more value than, that of today now.

She had to support five or six children, with her husband.  But may be for that very reason, she really worked hard to put food on table.Her husband also used to work but I guess with her hard work she used to make more money than her husband. When I left Bal Mandir,  she was still doing her hard work and growing vegetables for us.  Because of her we were able to get the garden fresh vegetables everyday and that was for throughout the year.  Except for potatoes or and some spices like ginger, turmeric or other stuff, almost all the other vegetables including corn and soybean for daytime snacks, were grown internally.  

She continued further that, “when the manager was changed maybe somewhere during the 1990 era, she was told not to do the work, telling that this is the work some other people also should get a chance and then they hired somebody. The other person, did not last long and then, they again came back to ask Manju Didi to do the work.”

By this time, some of her big children had started working and making money, they thought the new management specially the manager, treated her like as if she do not have any dignity. They can hire her anytime and fire her anytime they want. For this very reason, her children did not allow her to do the job, even though she wanted to take it anyway. They told the new manager, “she is aging and its not time for her to work hard like this.”

Then the manager was Mira Upadhaya, who was the principal of nursery school for about 15 years may be, where we went as a toddlers, they call this kind of school kindergarten now a days.

During her gardening days, housemother Kedar shrestha used to supervise her work very closely and keenly and even staying with her whole time chatting and instructing. Every vegetables in Bal Mandir went on rows and rows and rows of beds, not just couple of it. Whether it be radish, cauliflower, cabbage, green leaves, eggplants, garlic, onion or big black eyes beans, which we consumed green. And lots of other varieties of green beans, tomatoes according to seasons. On top of that the leaves of cauliflower and radish were used as to make gundruk for summer seasons, Besides they used to grow plenty of cauliflowers and radish that it was enough to slice and sun dried it for summer use.The vegetables were plucked at the time its needed and then used to chopped  and make it ready to cock.

It seems the land remained barren for years and now they must be buying vegetables when the whole land is staring at the face of every mangers who works in Bal Mandir. Last November I went to Bal Mandir carrying some caps for all the children and at that time when I was waiting at the gate for a staff to appear, I was quite stunned to see the wastage of  vast land, that was once served to grow vegetable for 200 children for whole year. That was not just one year. it was during the time when Kedar Shrestha was Housemother.

The housemother died during late ‘87. Manju didi, then added that even today she, sees her in her dream, asking her, “why  are you not working in the garden to grow vegetable   ? See its so barren, and if only you would have worked on that land; they would have got to eat fresh vegetables.”

When she mentioned that seeing the housemother Kedar Shrestha,  in her dream, it reminded me that, I also used to see her in my dreams for almost two years or maybe more now I forgot. Seeing her in our dream is not just limited with me all of my other friends of the same time used to see her in their dream and some of them still see her but not me.

I have once mentioned about it to Mrs. Shrestha who was in the management and knew housemother. Both of them were headstrong just like me. Her reaction was, “maybe you are haunted.” When she said that, I didn't know the meaning of haunted, and was too lazy to go and see it in dictionary. It should not have surprised me but then I did not knew the negative meaning hidden in it. As she is one of the most naysayers, I know in my life and everything has almost negative meaning.

But, when Manju didi mentioned the above lines, I felt lumps in my throat and now I get it. The housemother was not haunting us for years but her souls is still hanging in the Bal Mandir and she was watching everyone even after her death. 



This is some thing new to know !

The Machine

I could have been studying in eighth or ninth grade then, when a man from Belgium had donated a big machine to Bal Mandir. I am quite not sure, that the man represented an organisation or he pulled the money from his own pocket to donate that big machine, as I was not allowed to take part in inside information like all others, who lived in Bal Mandir. But looking at the size of the machine and the purpose of it, it seemed that it may have had come from an organisation than just from the wallet of a person.

It was really big machine, seemed like for industrial purpose rather than for domestic use. Taller than me and may be a lot more than 300 kg. All made of iron. The men who carried it inside the Bal Mandir from the gate, must have sweated long and hard to bring it in the room. May be due to nature of the machine, it was placed in tailoring room, where I worked after school. I along with many others who used to go to morning classes, used to make all the dresses we need for year round, for the rest of the children.

The machine was to make socks, and this could make 30 different color and design socks in an hour. The Belgian man must have seen many children walking around without socks during his visit to Bal Mandirs. Then, he must have got this idea to give them the machine instead of buying them just the socks for a time. He may have thought that, if he give machine to the Bal Mandir, which had about 200 children then, they do not have to worry about  buying it every time they lost it or it gets hole in it.

Its a natural curiosity in every human being, wanting to know, how one’s gift is being used. One who gave always want to know, how it benefited to those, whom one has given. Needless to tell you, in the following days and weeks the man repeatedly visited to see how the machine is working.

But the machine never worked, never run and never made even a single sock.

I do remember Mrs. Shrestha, who was in the management team then, who used to handle all the sponsors in the Bal Mandir hurriedly sending message to lock the room and go to somewhere, every time the man visited Bal Mandir after that. She always used to find the suitable excuse to tell the man like, “she [our tailoring madam] is on leave today, so the door is locked and she is the only one who keeps the key of this room.” Sometimes, she used to say, “She has not arrived yet, so I am extremely sorry, I could not show you how the machine is working.”

When I look back and try to understand, why they could not run that machine really makes me think even harder. The reason, they could never ever run the machine is because of the the cost of the labor charge at that time. It was revealed to me by ‘Krishna miss’, as we used to call her even though she was the mother of three children. She was the in-charge of tailoring department. They needed a very skilled manpower to run the machine smoothly, which was rarely available back in the mid 80s. She was also asked to find the one, who knew how to run that machine. It could have costed NCO bit high, to pay someone who was skilled to run the machine. The cost then, is said to be around Rs. 12,000 per month to pay for the man if only he would have hired to run the machine, but due to the salary managers were making then, which was less than  4,000 Rs. per month.

I was not aware about the salary part, when I was growing up in Bal Mandir. Now, it’s so very obvious, that the management at the Nepal Children’s Organization was not willing to pay that high salary to anyone, who was not in management team. Therefore, that machine went on rusting without ever making even a single pair of socks.

I wonder is this machine is still in Bal Mandir. Where did they dump it, when it was not working for so many years ? I guess it must have been sold to the man, who collects it at scrap value. If only, the skilled labor could have costed cheap, may be Bal Mandir still would have that machine running, to make all the needed socks for the children.

The Belgian man or the organisation which he represented could have never ever thought even in their wildest dream, donation with such good intention would have gone wasted just like that !

God’s justice

Last Friday night, I was watching this regret and recover, a dramatised version of a ex-criminal’s story. A doctor, by the day and a kidnappers and looters by the dark. He also used to publish a daily paper; where his photographers was also a sharp shooter, and other staff was involved in his work. One day he got caught and then landed in Tihar jail, which is very notorious mainly, because the kind of inmates they allots to keep here. There in the jail they bring swami to preach criminals. Its impact on this particular criminal was really surprising, who in fact was planning to escape, from this most secure jail of India and was wanting to continue his work outside of the bar. But, one of his inmates persuaded him to attend and listen the preaching. While relating one story swami called this person and demanded his undivided attention before telling this story. This really struck me.

Greed : there was a soldier, who was leaving the village to fight for his country. Before leaving to protect his country, from the front line; he left some big cash to one of his village businessman and told him to invest it in some good work and then also provide his families as per their need. But immediate after the man left, the news came, that he died; while fighting for his country. This made the businessman greedy and he did not give a penny to his family members and spoke no one about this money. Some time later a child was born to the businessman, but the child was severely ill by birth. They were rich, so they could spend any amount of money on their child's’ illness and did everything; that was possible to keep baby healthy and alive. Some time passed by like this but the child’s health never got any better. One day, the child smiled and died. Before his death he said, “I have taken, what I have left with you, and now its time for me to go.”

This story reminded me of another real life story, which one of my friend, recently had told me. The recent and current update about a man, Arjun Basnet, who was a staff in Bal Bandir. He was a very greedy storekeeper, who also had a serious character problem. Besides that he was a childless man also. After several attempt to have his own child, he had adopted a boy from Bal Mandir.

His boy had grown now and have became a drug addict. The house, which he had build from stealing foods stuffs from Bal Mandir or purchasing cheap, low quality fruit and vegetables and clothes for us had all gone to his son’s addiction. They are now staying at a rented apartment. Some people here in Nepal not only adopt, to pour all the love they feel, but there is also one more reason behind the adoption. People need one person to take care of them, when they get old. Arjun Basnet, the father of the boy is definitely not going to enjoy the secure and peaceful retired life, when he gets old and needs it most.

The swami’s line is ringing in my ear, ‘if you take it from others, it will be gone just like that.’ So Greed is bad. Remember this same story also has impacted as a mile stone in this particular criminals minds. He is now a social worker and out of his criminals world - murder, kidnapping and looting people. He gives more and even goes out to meet to those, whose life he once had made hell !

When my friend, told me the story about the storekeeper, she did not missed out to add that; “he had stolen from us, so a boy from Bal Mandir, took all from him. This is Gods’ justice.” After hearing her verdict; I could only stare at her silently.

Note : to get more stores about the store keeper read our earlier post on him : SSSShhhhh don’t tell, Greed has no depth.

Super nanny Kunti Didi

Kunti Didi, was a nanny, she was the head nanny of the small children’s room. There used to be about four room nannies, for a room full of children, which had about fifteen or sixteen infants. It was more, if you see that there used to be only two for about eighteen to twenty preteens and only one for the same number of teen boys or girls room.

There in this room, there used to be about eight or nine young children, who were younger than a year old, many children a little over a year old and remaining, all toddlers. It sure was not easy to handle all of them. Because when an infant cries all cries at the same time asking for attention, and needs to be taken cared of.

Kunti Didi, could pacify four childldren, at the same time. One on her shoulder, two on her big lap, which she used to spread widely; to accommodate two young infants on her lap, and one at nearby floor.

She used to give them, oil massage, daily under the warm sun, regardless of various seasons summer or winter. Today, its scientifically discovered, that oil massage under the sun makes the bones of young children very healthy and sturdy. The sun is regarded very good source of vitamin D also, even for adults. After that she along with other nanny used to put powder all over the children's body and then, they were properly wrapped on clean clothes. When it comes to giving young children bath, she was the most sought after nanny. She in fact was super nanny.

Others, used to help her in many works. I do remember her clad in heavy ethnic ornaments, on her nose and ears especially. I am quite not sure; where exactly she is from and her marital status, but in my vague memory, I think; she was a Thankali by caste and perhaps for that reason she was tall compared to other nannies, who were mostly Tamangs or Magars. She looked very sturdy, and was average looking woman. But when it came to taking care of small children, she was at her best, with so much warmth in her heart. No body could handle or pacify those young infants, more tenderly the way she did. Others did the job as they were handed to do the job; but for her its more than job. She liked the job and did it so well, beyond any body's expectations. She loved every child so dearly and when it comes to taking care of them, so carefully, she should not be blamed for any partiality.

Yet, like every body has a weak spot, she also had a weakness. She too had her heart set on one child; her favourite child, among all the children, she took care for many years. Her name was Aruna. She loved her so much that, when some couple used to come to visit her room for adoption, to take a look at; for a prospective child, she used to hide her, fearing they would pick her up first.

This went on for couple of years, but as days pass by Aruna, grew fast and started wandering out of warmth of her lap and she moved on to sleep on crib and started taking wobbly steps, Kunti Didi could hide her no more under her shawls and then, during those years; she was adopted by a foreign couple.

Just cant help thinking, what would have Aruna, thought; if she could have missed the adoption. But children lived in her room until they were about five and then before they joined the nursery school, they were moved to other rooms and some couple still adopt child about five or six year old.

Corrupted staff & Murphy’s Law

You must have heard about the Murphy's Law, according to this law some of the things in this universe happens, once in a million time only and the next thing that happens in your life is; that exact same logic. I came face to face with this logic when, I was in school and must have been studying in eighth standard, but then I was not aware about the existence of Murphy's Law. The following incident reminds me of this law. It all happened with the flip of the bed in front of me. Who needs to flip their bed corner, when there is a guest in your home ? I am sure that flip of the bed in front of me falls on this law.

I was very close with my sewing teacher, but calling Krishna Shrestha, as a sweing teacher is not the correct introduction. She was a cutting master, because more than teaching us about the stitches or designs or to make a good dress, rather she used to cut the cloths and we used to run it under the machine, to give it a complete look.

When I was in Bal Mandir, occasionally, Krishna Miss, used to take me or one of us to her home. Mostly, when she had some ‘Bhoj’ at her home. Her ‘Bhoj’ - food delicacies - used to taste a lot better than the bland taste of food, we used to get at the Bal Mandir.

What was the occasion, I can't remember, all I remember is, I was in her home. It must have been long summer days. I was sitting in the biggest room, which served them as multiple purpose. There was a TV, it was also the couples bedroom, it also served as a living room. That day her children were also in the same room.

She has two daughters and a son, but there was another boy also, of her son’s age, who was living with her. She used to tell me, she had two son and they were twins; only that the color of her sons were like day and night. Her biggest daughter Ruby, was about a couple of year younger than me.

As I was staying in a chair, very timidly like any girls from orphanage sits, uncomfortable and uneasy out of my comfort zone, which obviously is Bal Mandir. Blankly staring at the walls and looking at TV that was playing at one side of the room. Krishna Miss, as we used to call her was busy in her work in between kitchen and her four children.

Suddenly, Bobby, her other daughter asked, “mommy, where is my pencil ? I cant find one” “Why don’t you use your brothers pencil ? I am busy now”, she tried to calm her down. But before she could say another line one of her son, who was near by the room responded, “it must be under the mommy’s bed.” Hearing that, Bobby tried to look under the bed but Krishna Miss, stopped her saying, “why not you wait for some time to do your homework ?” Bobby said “No, I have to do this homework now, otherwise it will be late for me to finish my homeworks.”

Krishna Shrestha, is very loving and caring mother, I have ever known. She hardly, raise her voice, when talking to her children. It may be, because, she is the only woman, I have known then with children and how respectfully they treat them, unlike the nannies behaved with us. No wonder, I have huge respect for her. Some where down the line, I used admire her so much, the way she handled her children, as well as how polite she was with us. Then I was drawn towards her due to these virtue of hers without being able to put it in words. It wont be too much to say that, she has got the silk patience.

But, when Bobby wanted to look for her lost pencil again, under her bed; she sternly reprimanded her not to do this. As I mentioned earlier, she hardly lost her patience and she maintains her very good side, specially for outsiders ( in this case I am the outsiders ) it was some thing new, for to me to witness that side of her.

What Bobby did next, stunned her; that did not give her much time to do anything. She flipped the corner of the bed, to look for her lost pencil. That was the moment, I realised why she was trying to frobid Bobby, to look for the lost pencil. Her bed had been made from the cloths which was from Bal Mandir. I can not make mistake recognising it. It was our nighties cloths, I not only wore it daily, but I also made it for all the girls.

Only a couple of weeks ago she had taken leave from her work for about a day or two. She even had shared with me, reason for the leave, she needed to re-do all her bedding's.

I cant remember, whether Bobby found her lost pencil or not. My mind was busy judging her and at the same time not talking about it. Our eyes met and we looked at each other like a stranger. I never spoke about it to her and she never have to give any explanation about it to me tha why she had exact the same cloths of all beds in her home. You know, I am only a girl from Bal Mandir, she is not answerable to me.


Whatever, she is the vary same one, who not just taught us; not to say any one [outsiders] that we are from Bal Mandir, because people will look at you very demeaning way. They will look at you very differently, if you tell them you live in Bal Mandir.

When I look back and reflect about the incident I think, I think about what I was thinking then; when I saw those bed cloths ? She [like other staff] had the mentality to inject this kind of thought in our young head. What she was doing was with all the corrupted mindset, stealing and using things meant for us. Staff at the orphanage stole cloths and food the and they taught us don't feel good about on your skin and who you are and where you live ?

We end up in orphanage not by choice but they steal things from the orphanages with full conscience and that to by choice. In fact, the staff at the orphanage are a lot worse, in terms of their mentality, I mean the dirty and rotten corrupt mentality.

I really want to understand in true sense, what makes them feel, they are any better than us ? Why other people [any body who has never spent time in orphanage] view us demeaning way .

The Chinese Clip

Three teen girls, Junkiri Tamang, Parbati Magar and Ishwory Lama, were in the corner of the upstairs kitchen. This was office kitchen as well as a housemother also used this. They were looking for something to eat and whispering in audible voice to each other. It was an unauthorized area, for the girls who stay in that particular row of rooms in Bal Mandir. They were unknown to the fact, that somebody from nearby was watching them very carefully and they were clueless about it.

When they came out of the kitchen, the lady, office manager called them towards her office but stopped them on the corridor and asked them, “what were you doing their ?”

Trying to be innocent, they replied, with some kind of intimidation “nothing.” She checked their hands but could not find any thing to fetch from these girls, so she had no option but to believe what they were saying.

But when she was about to let them go, she saw an yellow color Chinese clip flaunted by Junkiri. “She gestured me with her left forefinger saying, one minute you come here !” she recalls now. After, thirty plus years later, she still remembers the entire episode as if it happened just yesterday.

“My class mate had given me that clip a couple of days before only. I was also wearing yellow color kurta sulwar that day” she recounted showing us how good her memory power is. “When I went timidly in front of her, she pulled my clips with her left hands - her right hand was bent on her bust permanently - and while she did this she not only messed my hair but pulled me towards her also.” “Can you believe what she did next ?” she asked me, as if I know the answer or I was watching it, when all this was happening, then she replied the answer herself, “she crushed my clips under her feet.”

This incident may not have been worth remembering, to the manager, Mrs. Rawal, when she did such an act but to the girls aging below fourteen years and the other teenage girls watching it from a distance, hiding themselves behind the big doors, was an act unforgettable and unforgivable. No, not because the clip was expensive and had high market value, but because the way, she had made them feel by crushing the clip under her feet. “Why, are we not supposed to wear clips ? her daughter was wearing it, when she last visited here with her mother”, they questioned ? “Should not we wear anything, just because we cant afford one, which is as beautiful as her daughters ?” she raised some serious questions; but there was no one to answer them which could have consoled the hurt teenagers.

The young girls could never ever understand, why she was so cruel and ruthless to such small issue, like Chinese flowery clip.

There are certain things like, a crown may make any sense to grown ups but to a small children, a toy or some other small things like Chinese clip holds more value and importance in their life than a crown.

Did not that manager knew this small thing ? How come she was the manager of the orphanage, without knowing such small thing ?

Donation from America - Truck load of cloths

It was late seventies and it was around 9:00 am, an hour before school hour no student had entered the premises yet. I was standing in the center of the entrance. When I am writing this, I am just wondering, how come at that young age - I could have been around seven or younger than that - I was there where a child of my age was not supposed to be, especially at that time. It looks like that scene happened in my dream, only that it was not a dream, because those dresses lasted for 10 years and more.

Although, there are three entrance gates on front face of Bal Mandir; once you enter from the main gate of the Bal Mandir, but in those days all the people used just one entrance to enter inside the Nepal Children’s Organization office, NAFA Art Gallery including the school in the Bal Mandir. The entrance gate, is located at far right side of the Bal Mandir premises. Center one was for the Royals only. Far left side get used for mostly children and the staff at the BM.

On that particular day, when I was there alone, a big truck came. The white color truck was very big. It is the kind of truck they use for you haul or movers/packers company. We see this kind of big trucks only in English movies and then the whole story revolves around, how come a full grown person vanished inside that truck ?

I don't remember how the driver looked like or what he said or asked, I just vanished from there and must have worked as a little bird with a news. This truck was carrying the goods from America, mostly all kinds of clothes including sucks, shoes, caps and blankets. About the blanket, it is rumored that it can not be bought even today here in Nepali market, because of being very high quality of blanket, but to tell you the truth I never saw them or was I just too young to remember all of it . But a blanket of that high quality should has lasted for more than 10 years rights ?

When they emptied the truck one biggest size room was not enough to stack all the goods. In that big room it was filled from floor to ceiling and from this corner to that corner and it took more than four years to empty that room with those clothes and other goods. Then they kept those goods in other smaller stores.

I grew up hearing the rumors that, that big room had three keys, one was with a housemother, Kedar Shrestha, another one was with front office manager, and the third key was with Royal family. When I grew more, I do remember one name more than any other royals, who was particularly interested in those dresses, its Komal Sarkar - as we used to say royals in those days - she is the last ousted queen, her name came repeatedly, who came to select cloths from the piles. Some big girls do keep talking about a ‘poncho’ which was so beautiful, I mean so beautiful almost every one wanted to have hands on it, when it made its way to her home.

First, the royals used to scan cloths, then the housemother used to select the best and good ones, after that we used to get a chance to wear the remaining lot of it. Still it would be too much to say we used to get the tattered ones. There were so much of it, their selecting hardly made any difference. Perhaps for some reason, the donors knew; how the things work in Nepal. That truck load of cloths was enough to distribute 200 children for almost 10 years or may be more than that. Surely in the later years it has dried up a bit but, we were wearing one of those dresses, until I was on tenth standard. That truck came when I could have been in first or second grade.

I was also rumored that the housemother used to select the best one from the lot and then she used to take it home and then sell it from there. Rumor has it, that she had build a brand new house in the heart of the city - Ason, with the money, she made from those selling. But she died long before she could even move in that house.

It was not just the royals and the office staff at NOC and housemothers and supervisors of the Bal Mandir, even the children at the Bal Mandir, used to steal cloths ans sell good quality sneakers.

Children used to steal those cloths mainly as a give away to others, who came in Bal Mandir, to admit their child but could not get in their child due to limited sit or the parents or relatives who visited their kins occasionally. Some gave it to class mates who were not very good condition than that of us. But some of the big boys and girls used to steal it and then sale it. Couple of boys and girls were expelled from Bal Mandir, due to the same reason. Those who got caught, were not smart enough to escape from the loot. Some of the staff at the Bal Mandir, made house out of those selling, yet they never get caught.

But one more important mention is a must here, that big truck load of goods was the first and last I [we] have seen in the Bal Mandir premises. There was a rumour that Uma Panday, who was on the highest ranking position of the NCO, was not happy that other people rather the the children are benefiting from those cloths. So, it is said that she wrote a letter to the sponsoring body in USA, not to send any more, ‘whats the use, if the needy does not get benefited in pure senses from those givings’ was her logic.

That logic has weight on it, has not it ?

Perhaps she knew a lot more what was going on there, I mean a lot more than what I have written here. Otherwise why would she write such letter to those sponsors ?