Roomful or Room crowded

As a blogger, I have been writing about my life for about six years. By now, you must have read me many times writing one line again and again and that is, I am sunita giri and I grew up in Bal Mandir. Sometimes I think I got stuck up there, in that life, when I was a growing up child. It seems I grew but deep down I am always that child, observing things around me always trying to understand why of all the things that goes in our life. Over the years, time changed, age changed, place changed but somewhere down the path the mindset of people around me remained the same. This makes me wonder all the time, because when I was in Bal Mandir I was young and totally clueless about the things that went around me. It was ok if I had children of my age who had not understood many things around us, as they were as young as I was and absolutely clueless in so many things that was going around us. Worse part of it was the adult around us, who were not much helpful in so many ways than one.

Having been grown up in Bal Mandir is one condition that kept me strictly away from average Nepali. I never ever got a chance to see from up close the lifestyle of average Nepali living in home or they call family. Now, I come to know that the life of average Nepali in fact, is a lot worse than the life we lived in Bal Mandir. I met so many people who have nothing in life but parents, and they are proud of it. Sure, they don't understand me; if I don't get it.

One of the things that stings me of the average Nepalese habit is how comfortable they are to adjust in a crowded rooms. For a sneak peek of it, I would like to suggest you to go and see in many hostels running in Kathmandu. I am told the hostels run by college are equally crammed up as of the hostels running out of college.

When I was growing up in Bal Mandir I hardly stayed in a room that had children less than eighteen. There are very few rooms that could house children under fifteen. Family size room is rare in Bal Mandir. Almost all my childhood was spent in rooms which I shared with other  twenty girls of my age. We used to spent around two years in one room. This room switch has direct connection with our age and grade we study. However, I do not remember those room being crowded. Because after having bed for about twenty girls the room still have plenty of space to read for all and also play some indoor games. For all the indoor games we used veranda that was just outside the room. Veranda is the main part of every room that is in Bal Mandir.

In Hall Kotha, where stayed for about two years, at around the end of my time in Bal Mandir. Its capacity was also eighteen or twenty girls. Not surprisingly, it had bed for all the girls and a bed for an adult, a caretaker. Still, it had plenty of space for us to play in small groups like, carom board, ludo and other indoor games. Besides this, this room also was used as a common study room for the girls of three rooms. That means about 40-50 girls from two three other rooms used to gather for morning and evening study. Each study time, it was used for one and half hour. This was big girls room so those girls who were studying in seven, eight, nine and ten grades they used to come here for homework and classwork revisions. Even after that, we had an easy way out to go in and out when we wanted to go for a loo break during the middle of study.

Twenty girls in a room yet, I never ever felt crowded or suffocated when I was growing up in Bal Mandir. Because once you are out from your room there was big space to breath in and out. Enough place to play all types of outdoor games. Lots of place for running, hiding, playing and  breathing fresh air. I never ever have been in another place which could provide me such  big space to breathe in and yet feel secure. Nah, not even when I worked in five star hotel.

Have you ever been in hostels running in Kathmandu ? there you might see two seater or three or some more than four. Even if you see just two bed in a room, most of it has power to  make you suffocate and immediately feel claustrophobic. But, surprisingly the girls living in this room do not seem to have any problem at all whatsoever its uneasiness and adjusting their way. Food there is lower than the food I grew up eating in Bal Mandir. The concept of substantial food seemed to be derailed. Yes, one things is for sure, just like in  Bal Mandir hostels running in Kathmandu buys foods from the market which is cheapest and there is no way down than that. Food, I guess jail mates would be thankful for having. But I heard in American they sue the jailer for low quality meal in jail. Bed, furniture, utensils they use are far below the one I grew up using in Bal Mandir. Sometimes I see kind of steel mugs even it might get rejected from jailer. Commercial motif and the intention to disrespect those who pay you is at its heights and student don't have voice to go against it. My guess would be, either they don't know the minimum standards of children's homes or never been in jail to see its standards.

So, should this surprise me when one such hostel runner is also the keeper of a children home. Imagine when she provides lower standards in her hostel what could be her standards for those who are not paying her for their stay ? There is a flat allotted for seventeen young girls, it still looks too crowded and narrow for young children. The girls don't even have enough space to skip a rope, forget about walking while skipping, which is a common practice among growing up kids.

There is no doubt, I do not make rules for the hostel runners in Kathmandu or in other cities nor I make the rules for those who live in children's homes. But seeing the condition of the children home made me think. Sure, I can't say every child should get a chance to stay in big palace like Bal Mandir. There has to be some minimum standards to run it. People who are running it, should not feel comfortable to say, it's my home so my policy, my management my ruling. I better let the concerned authority like Central Child Welfare Board to take decision on its condition.

This lead me to visit Social Welfare Council which directed me to Central Child Welfare Board.  From where I got some books and I read a book, Standards of Operation and Management of Residential Child Care Homes 2012. Then I learned that this woman and her ten team members are running a children home with only about 20% of its standard. Now, I have to see how will the Chairman, Mr Dilli Ram Giri or the Executive Director, Mr. Tarak Dhital take action against such people. How much faith they show in what they say in this book entirely depend on how do they take action against the woman [and her team] who is running a children's home.  Oh yes, there is some child laour  going on also. There are some people in our society who run children home[s] as if it's one ornament that is associated with status, pride and prestige, just one more accessories.

Innocence Robbed

Couple of weeks ago I was talking with Bhawana Bhatta, a very active  Manager of Yuwalaya resource center, which is a NGO and a young and multi talented TV journalist Ashma Aryal. It was a very casual talk in the office of Bhawana. Ashma had been to one shelter home for HIV infected children which is in Kirtipur. Being a journalist Ashma wanted to cover one story on these children and also the dedication and advocacy of the founders. Then she came to know that she can't cover the story in her TV channel about these children. Or even if you take the picture you have to cover the story without showing the picture of them. Suppose you report a story on TV then this means you have to talk about them without showing the picture of children who are living a very discriminated life. Why ? the only answer is, it's international law. You can't tell the story of HIV victim unless the child turns 18 years old. But, the question remains unanswered that why a child has to wait until he/she turns 18 for the mistake he / she never committed ? These children can't go to normal school or can mix with normal children of their age.

What is the mistake of these children ? lack of knowledge about the HIV virus and hyper fear with the virus and this ignorance is with those who are well educated like doctors treating them as well as principals who won't admit them in their schools. Can we  discard this topic as Social stigma ?

Last week, three of us and Yadav Pandit,  career counselor from Yuwalaya went to visit Baby Life home in Kirtipur, Bhatkepati. Bhawana have funded my concept, Books for children and Education project. Under this project she single handedly donated the stationary supply for total of 41 children and some out of course Books for Children in three children homes. We have  visited two children homes and distributed. We still have to visit one more children  home that is in Pepsicola town Planning which shelters the children of prison inmates.

Once we were in children’s home, we sat down to talk with these children and get to know the name, age and part of the county they came in this shelter home.  Majority of the children are from Surkhet, Dang, Dailekh and Pyuthan; areas Bhawana as an active social worker is well aware of.  The youngest one was three year old and the oldest one was fifteen. Out of 23 children, 9 were girls and 14 were boys.

They looked very healthy to me, at least by appearance. Interestingly, its founder duo Mrs. Uma Rai and Mr Rajkumar Pun have taken very good care of children’s mental health as well as physical. The immunity count of some of the children were as low as 200 when they had joined the shelter but, it now has risen to 1700 and more since then, Mrs. Uma Rai one of the founder of the shelter home as well as school for these children shared with us. Some of them have the immunity count which is above the normal healthy person.

Upon infection with human immunodeficiency virus (HIV), a person's immune system kills off nearly all of the virus and infected cells. But some small number remain, and over time, those HIV cells replicate, and replicate, and replicate. Then, usually 10 years after the initial infection, the viral load reaches a critical count, and the virus begins killing off the vital immune cells that protect us against infections.

At that critical count, a person is considered to have acquired immunodeficiency syndrome (AIDS); with the body’s immunological defenses destroyed, it's usually only a matter of months before a range of opportunistic infections and cancers complete their lethal work.

Researchers have developed a number of powerful drugs to help people like Johnson avoid this fate. The key weapon has been a regimen of three or four antiretroviral drugs, collectively known as highly active antiretroviral therapy, or HAART.

She shares her struggle story and takes so much pride in some of success after all the struggle. Like how some of ‘her children’ were in ICU for about a week and how they have survived and how healthy the children are now.

Mr. Dutta Ram Rai Hostel Incharge who has been associated with this home ever since it was established seven years ago, tells me the minimum cost of medicine per child per month comes to a 1000 Rs. Good news is all the medicine supply for these children are free by the government. All of them are the patient of Teku Hospitals. However they also have some sad and bad experience of visiting hospital. Doctors in Teku hospital  hesitates to cut open them if they suffer seriously and needs an immediate operation to save them. They fear they will be infected with HIV/AIDS. Sometimes the doctors in hospital deny to admit sick children even if dying child need to be admitted in ICU. There was case when there have been vacant ICU or bed but doctors have told them bed not available for their children. No wonder, they have moments of emotional meltdown and hut discussion goes with hesitant hospital staffs to provide the immediate service for these children, when one of these child  falls sick and needs immediate hospitalisation.

The children have recently been moved to the new area. Last years earthquake have damaged their old shelter home very badly. They are managing in very narrow tin top temporary sheltor. A concrete building is rising nearby the tintop  shelter which will be used as school as well as shelter for children.

Along with the stationary items Bhawana also had included one school bag for each of them. Then we came to know that these children do not go to school.  Why I asked the Hostel Incharge, Mr Rai. None of the principals in Kirtipur [government as well as private] area would take a single child in their school, fearing other children will be infected by the same disease. It seems we need to target school principals and Doctors and hospital staff first before we target other areas when it comes to awareness about HIV/AIDS and how it will get transmitted. How come a doctor, a school principal, medical staff  and school teacher are not aware enough about this disease to fear them seat next to them ? How can school management deny a child to join school based on the disease child is suffering from ?

How can a doctor deny treatment for a dying child ? should he still be called a doctor if he does so ?

The area they stay are avoided by locals, as if they will be infected if they touch them. It seems that the awareness of the HIV/AIDS has not touched the educated circle of the society so it should not be a big surprise if the average people is not much aware about it. Does knowledge means knowing the children are infected with grave illness but not knowing how to treat them ? What is education anyway ? It seems fear of this disease needs to be cured first among the educated mass before we cure HIV/AIDS.

Good news is Shikchya Sadan the name of the school that provide education to HIV infected children privately. Upto grade eight the school have got the government approval. These children gets regular education in the shelter. This school focus not only in bookish educational knowledge but also takes good care of mental health of the children along with physical. Singing and dancing is basic part of the education in this school. Many of the children are so talented that they have won some national awards in singing competition and writing competition. Children are also encouraged to take very active part in most types of sports.

Each child is aware of their disease and they talk about it instead of hiding it. They appear very normal children. During our visit all the children also told us, what they wanted to be when they grow up. Some wanted to be doctor, some lawyers, some actor, and model and some pilot. Thier dream is so versatile and interesting to hear them talking about the future plan the principals and teacher of the area failed to see beyond the couple of years down.

Long time back I have read so much about HIV/ AIDS because Magic Johnson, the famous basketball player in US has been infected with HIV/ AIDS. When the news hit the headlines in 1991, many presumed he will die soon. He was judged  for his habit and condemned for how it got him. The medicine science has changed a lot over the 25 years and he is still healthy and strong after all these years and he still is in sports industry as an analyst and businessman as well as he is a strong voice and hope for those who are infected with  HIV/ AIDS.

"There is nothing unique about Magic," said Spencer Lieb, senior epidemiologist and HIV/AIDS research coordinator for the Florida Consortium for HIV/AIDS Research. "There are still people alive and kicking and doing very well 20 and 30 years after infection."

It seems our doctors, medical staff, school principals and teachers in kirtipur area do not know a single thing about Magic Johnson otherwise they would have punished those innocent children for not admitting them in hospital or accepting them  in their schools. I really wonder who gives them right to discriminate against the innocent life like this ?

My Winter Calender

16 girls of  Hope children home in Bhaisepati

 My calendar tells me now, how  I have spent the mid week December and whole month of new year. On January 3rd I was at the Bhaisepaiti where Rasmi Sharma and Anand Shina took care of 15 girls in their own home. All the girls were so beautiful and they looked even more prettier when they  posed for photographs wearing what we give them caps and neck warmers. I have been to this place through Pastor Rajan Neupane. He had recommended me to this place when I asked him, do you know any children home which has about 20 children ?

Children from Hope Family

On January 16, 22 children from Hope family were provided  caps and neck warmers. This children home is on the way to Mulpani, which is near by Sun city apartment that is outside of Pepci Cola town planning. Pastor Rajan Neupane and his wife Indu Neupane takes care of all these children. But their church Grater Grace also has a committee too take some responsibilities concerning these children. 

Chahari Children home from New Baneshwor

On January 23, 11 children from a children home New Baneshor were provided the same. This children home has ten board members but only 11 girls. Most of the children on this home has both parents but they are really poor as they are from remote parts of Nepal. A madam I know for about a year is one of the board member of this children home and she is also an active member. She saw me making some caps and neck warmers and and she asked me to give to her children home also. What she asked, she got. 

Children from Jumla

When I was bit free and the sun was heavy on the Kathmandu sky late weeks of January, my brother asked me over phone can you give me 30 caps for two children homes in Jumla and one in Surkhet. Thank god ! I was in posision to say yes ! As I have been trusted with his money by two nice hearted person by now and I needed somebody to ask me exactly that. so on January 29, 12 sets of caps and neck warmers were sent to a children home in Jumla. I have never been to Jumla but my goods traveled to that place also.

Children From Chiwan which is run by my brother

Before, All this  started, I was in Chitwan for a whole month during dashain and for last week I made a sweater for Prafulla my nephew and then came back with wool to make one more sweater for Arpan another nephew. This started my need to make and then I made lots of caps to sent to Chitwan again for the children home my brother runs in Chitwan. He asked for 8 more so that he can give it to the other children home his friend Prateek runs. 

Children from Chitwan - 2

Children home in Jumla II

He asked and he was given got as I have an itchy hand during winter seasons and all I want to do is knit. I have been able to give all this because my readers from Facebook have responded to give me money so that I can make caps and neck warmers for many children but I did not know I could this all by myself. I would like to thank, Om Rout, Tek Giri and Bhawana Bhatta for their generous giving which made me possible to do what you are reading here 
now.

This means from the mid December of the last year and the beginning months of this year was pretty busy months for me. I hope the year will end in even better note than its beginning, as my brain is pretty occupied with 1000 woolen blankets for this winter season and a bigger part of my brain is thinking and planning how can I make it possible !

This is Bal Mandir

Before this I wrote a post on my blog saying how April 25 earthquake damaged the rana era palace I grew up. But the news of its damaged came as if the palace was not a Bal Mandir but all other office like NAFA art gallery, Sita Mahal or the Love Palace.

Sure, it surprised me. But now I really wonder when it will be reconstructed, it will be reconstructed under which name and who will take initiative to rebuild it ?  Will they put money to save precious arts and NAFA Art gallery will get new face lift or Sita Mahal or love palace. Who will take initiative to reconstruct it ? Who will have to put money to prioritize.

Let me put it straight here, although NAFA art gallery have been in the Bal Mandir premises for very long time almost as long as Bal Mandir still its not the building of NAFA art Gallery. So, I doubt they will take initiation to rebuild it. Lover of the Rana ruler is long dead and Sita Tamang handed it over to the royals log time back - sorry no story behind it can be given but plain truth is, this is Bal Mandir. None of them come forward to rebuild it.

When I was in Bal Mandir, I did not know about how many rooms it has. All I knew is even  after living in this place for 14 years, there may have been many rooms I have yet to enter. But, after I left Bal Mandir, I came to know about it, how many rooms it has. Somebody wanted to acquire Bal Mandir for its vast properties and wanted to use it as hotel, a five star hotel. What was the main attraction to those hotel investors ?  it has 112 rooms. At that time I was fresh out from it so that really stunned me, thinking how they can think of replacing children to other places ? They had simple answer, anywhere. They don't need such big space to live. Because, only about 30 room are being used for children's home purpose and about 10 are for Nepal Children's Organisation Office, which looks after the management of Bal Mandir, as well as other children's homes across the nation.

About 18 - 20 people used to stay in one room. Do you feel sorry for us, thinking we were crammed like cattle in one room like that ? Well save it, don't even think like that. Rooms in Bal Mandir are very big, really big. Nepali middle class family or upper middle class family do not built home with that big room. People really have to be filthy rich to build home like that.

Okay, here I am making a mistake, a serious mistake. There should be no comparison between normal persons house with an aristocratic rana rulers palace. So I leave that topic now have space in their room like we had in Bal Mandir. Even after 20 girls in one room there is always enough space for many to roam around or play  games. But, who needed to play games in rooms; when there is plenty of space when you go outside.

There is no doubt the reporter shy away to recognize it as Bal Mandir. May be he is bit show off to his readers that he belongs to some upper class society, who can find enough space in whole of Kathmandu in place like Bal Mandir only. Therefore, when a part of it collapsed he found all the names but rarely Bal Mandir. Undoubtedly, when it comes to rebuild it falls on the head of Nepal Children's Organisation, for Bal Mandir. This place must be reconstructed for the 140 children or more who stays there and then the other offices will be there once the children are safe there.

Damaged and destroyed

On April 25, 7.8 magnitude earthquake terribly shook Nepal, which damaged lots of rana era palaces which has a history of almost 100 years. Not surprisingly, it did not spare the palace where I grew up as a child. It may be old palace for some or rana era palace for many, but its place where I spent my early childhood as well as almost all my teen years. I have spent a little more than 14 years of my life in this place. But, when I read the news of its fall down on national daily, the name of Bal Mandir was almost missing. It's so hard to believe our media persons refusal to recognize it as Bal Mandir  Instead, they were using names like NAFA art gallery or Sita Mahal or unknown to me until recently, ‘love palace’ in news reporting or links that was shared on social networking site for viewing. national dailies and ‘A’ grade journalist must have felt uncomfortable of recognizing it as Bal Mandir, even though, it's been standing there since 50 years, with a flag and name written Bal Mandir over its head.

But, for me or many others like me, who grew up there, played all our childhood games, did all the masti as a child, went to school, which is inside this building, this place will always be remembered as Bal Mandir. We have so many memories attached to this building than many we lived and switched over in our lifetime, as a grown ups.

The reporter seemed to be knowing the love story of a polygamous Rana officer who had many wives as well as many mistress to entertain him. However, this palace was made in the name of his last wife, Sita Tamang. When I was in Bal Mandir it was not easy for us to get the glimpse of her as she was very old and fragile [about 82 years]. She used to live in a near by house that was barred with a tall wall. She may have died about 30 years ago.  

I remember that there used be three women who were allowed to stay in Bal Mandir despite, it was exclusively opened for orphan, needy and destitute children. These women  were not on payroll but some meager stipend were provided to them. My wild guess is, they must have come in package deal to get the palace for really good cause. Among these three women two were very old and it was said that they were the caretakers of Bhim Shumsher Rana but one of them was not old enough like other two. She was in her mid forty or in mid fifties.  It was not for us to know it all, but it was talked in hush tone, which always went over my head then, but now, it seems relevant to remember her, whose name was Rose. She was also a Tamang girl, who was all too much tanned tamang and one of very few who are so tanned up like her, compared to the mostly fair skin tamang girls I know. When I was young I failed to see her youthfulness or qualities which could please the rana officer, but her interest in her getup and make up which displayed occasionally only which my young eyes failed to appreciate anyway, spoke much louder. It was said, she was also the mistress of rana officer. Oh yes she was younger than the Sita Maharani the true love of rana officer yet who would not get many one line as mistress to serve him.

This place sure do have many offices other than Bal Mandir - a children home. This name is not well known in Nepal but around the world to those whom it matters. Other offices which are housed in the Bal Mandir are Nepal Children Organisations office, Nutritious Food department, NAFA art gallery. About three school and Indian cultural center. No doubt for many outsiders, who visited this place or went to see only paintings or know a couple of artists who happens to be holding some high position in NAFA or other office may refuse to recognize this palace as Bal Mandir.

But look at this picture carefully, it has fallen down from top to bottom and not the top side that NAFA art gallery where paintings has been kept in exhibition to be worried and talk about in news reports. This particular side is also the main entrance from where children go to school, NCO staff go to their office and this is the same way that leads to the stair which take anyone to the top floor of NAFA art gallery.  At it ground floor there you can find the office of Indian Cultural Center today, so many would like to give it the name only they work in particular office and not necessarily naming Bal Mandir. But those who only recognized it as NAFA art gallery and worried about saving precious art pieces when it fell down, forgot that this building shelters about 140 children even today. Their worry about the art piece and not for the children only scares me to the core, suggesting that the lives of those children are a lot less important than the ‘precious pictures’ they worried about.

During 80s era, it was the most happening place in town. During late 70s and 80s it was also the place where all the after school programs used to take place. Besides that, this was also the place where many nationwide talent competitions used to take place, round the year. The competition used to be dance, singing, painting, sculpture making, debate, poem or you name it. It was the most happening place, before the 1990 political movement in Nepal. Once the multiple political party came in  power, its management became weak.

The hard truth is the bigger part of the palace is being used as a children's home or the office which looks after the management of Bal Mandir as well as about a dozen children homes across the nation. Honestly speaking, it really shocked me as well as made me mad for not being recognized as Bal Mandir in in the news I read in the Himalayan Times recently. As if human lives of poor, needy and destitute children, means nothing or less important than those precious art pieces. Or its something they do not feel comfortable to talk about. So, to cover up their own uneasiness they choose only to talk about arts and how to protect precious arts of yesteryear or the love palace. The news piece did not even think it necessary to report what I get from other sources, that all the children were shifted to Nutritious Food Department for safety reason.

This shows how much our media friends suffer from small syndrome.

Dashain Blues

To every Nepali who is also a Hindu, Dashain sure is a biggest days of our calendar and the best part of Dashain is that it comes with so many holidays with it. When I was young child I like all enjoyed every bit of it. Do I have to say what I loved most as a child ? undoubtedly  it was long school holidays, the lovely beautiful sunny days were the bonus that came with it and school off not only for couple of days but for almost fifteen days sure added our fun moment. At this point I really want to forget the homework parts which were loaded to us.

But one of the biggest minus point of Dashain is its a family festival and you must have your family members around you to celebrate this festival to the fullest. With its all good good sides, its biggest flaw is that it reminds people like me, who you have and who you don't have. Where you can go to celebrate it, in this day and how to spend it with them. All the excitement of it used to vanished when the plan for the big day came close, its like a someone pouring a cold water on your face. Especially, when the truth was that we were living in Bal Mandir. Good news is not having any relatives were not much of the problems except only when there were festivals like dashian came close by.  

Normally, during dashain or Tihar some of the girls and boys used to get a chance to visit their close relatives and stay  with them for more than a week during dashain. Bal Mandir also used to look like the streets of Kathmandu which wore a thin look. But the fun part was   I never paid much attention to the fact that who left and who did not. I was not in that list of people who ever got opportunity to leave Bal Mandir to spend festival time with close relatives.

Usually the big gate of Bal Mandir used to remain closed tightly for all the children who lived inside it, but during big day of dashain it remained open for all those who came in and who wanted to go out to spend the day. This is one day the management used to let us go out from the Bal Mandir, without fearing that we might runway on that day. But the problem was where to go and how to spend that - almost - whole day. Children whose relatives could not keep their child for a week long also used to welcome them for a day, but not all the one who were in Bal Mandir used to have relatives in  town.

Junkiri one of my class mate always used to plan for a movie every year and the movie hall used to be Jai Nepal mostly and if not it used to be Kumari hall that was so close by the Bal Mandir. It was surprising that she always used to manage to have the news on the new movie that was running and be on the hall to watch a movie on the Day of Dashian. It was her way of treating herself with not having the close one around. As I told you before also, with so many people around it was not the problem but on the big day the feeling of not having loved ones just crept in without even feeling so. However, I  was not that much fan of movie not that strong smelly toilet which used to make it unbearable even during  watching movie, it  still have power to haunt me even today, when the hall has got the new face lift long time back.

There used to be some boys who used to go out on the off day and return back with lots of kites. I have not read that book yet. You can use your wild imagination to guess the outsiders used to watch them and figure it out so easily that they were from Bal Mandir. Some children do have the habit of leaving their blueprints wherever they go. The book which has the name of kite runner always reminds of of those boys from my childhood memories. One day I might read this book to see whether their story is any different that those kite runners who were part of my childhood life.

As for me, most of the time I used to go to one of the staff’s home. But there was also times I used to got to movie also despite my lack of taste in movies. However it really took me long time to realize that dashain is all about spending time with family members. I know her for really long time but one truth can never be changed she is not my family member. So suddenly one day I stopped visiting her [ anyone even to take Tika] during dashain.

I stay home and then watch all the good movies that comes on my TV screen with the delicacies I make fro me which really makes my mood.

Mysteries of Brain

I must have been in class seven or eight, when I have heard Hansa Dai, the most shy and hard working guy in his studies had some problem in his head. In fact, the problem in his head meant that there was insect crawling inside his head.

Even today it really nags my intelligence even trying to understand how come the insects crawling in his brain was detected ? See, it was 80s Nepal and we did not have that much state-of-the-art instruments to find out those crawling insects inside our head, I bet MRI or CAT Scans which could detect anything in our head, were developed bit later and was in medical practice long after that. Lets leave that now but it was not what I had thought about it when I was about 14 year old girls who have heard this news.    

Because, he was one of the best student during my time in Bal Mandir and he was pretty good at his studies and on top of that he was a good boy also. So one day I wonder loudly  “how come a guy who has insects  in the brain is good in his studies ?” Is not his brains are chewed up by those creepy crowing insects. Hearing this Radha didi counter questioned me me, rather blunt question if that has to be believed then, “why are you not a good student even though you have a brain which is not infected by harmful insects?” I looked at her in bank way. True. I was kind of very average student and he on the other had was very bright student.

How come it was possible ? But then in my adult years I came across an article that was on the National geographic the mystical power of brain, when a doctor had removed his left side of the brain to cease the seizure which was troubling this boy, when he was about six years old. What is so interesting is even though his half brain was removed his brain function was in fully active and the boy had not lost his personality as well. Of course, there was a slight defect on his one leg rest all his learning math, English and science was never affected much as expected including his creative power. Oh yes, the boy had nothing to worry about the seizure.  We keep watching in classic Indian movies that when a person encounters a serious accident hitting his/her head the person forgets the past life totally even though there is whole brain inside the skull. In the same kind of accident it has also been seen that the person loses his/her prior personality and they emerge as completely new person, again there is no loss of brain part just the strong hit on head during the accident. Sometimes they come back to the normal self as of before and sometimes they never come back to the old self.

I have read in one article which have appeared in the famous international magazine Reader's Digest under the title, ‘the boy could not stop running’. One day a man took a gun and shot at his head, because he just could not control the movement of his hand that used to go on holding things and places despite his conscience telling him that it should not have been that way. To his and his loved ones delight even after taking a bullet on his head the man did not died but his compulsive disorder vanished just like that. No one could explain it, why ? not even the doctors who were treating him.

A little more than a year ago I had a chance to talk with him over the phone. We were supposed to meet personally, but our schedule did not allowed us to meet thus the phone call. It was my first time talking with him over the years. I have never ever spoken with him when he was in Bal Mandir. He had been the principal of a school in remote area Humla [ it could be Jumla also], which is his home town. He was talking about the retirement which is very near and was thinking of what to do next after completing his tenure at the school where he taught for many years in various positions over the year. But the most interesting thing for me is  the man who had insect in his brain was now had ranked up to the position of principal of a school and I never ever made anywhere close to that position when I have the healthy brain.

It is said that every day about 250 million brain tissue die and almost the same number will be developed. Is not this interesting we don't even change much of our personality when there is so much changing in our brain ?

Troublesome math

Reading national daily today came with somewhat new sense of relief in my heart. Today the SLC result was out and it said out of approx 500,000 the people only about 44% passed but those who failed in their SLC exam, 43% failed in math alone. This is the highest percentage than any other subjects in schools. I can personally understand this because when I was in school math was my weakest subject. To be honest math was, is and will remain the weakest subject in my life. OK, fine I can do some basics but that's it. I do remember my school days when this was one of the weakest subject and used to put me in trouble; low self esteem in front of those who were smarter in this subject and bad relationship with math and science teacher is one of the reason. Well, maybe, more than me the others around me also was not comfortable with math being my weakest subject.

I could have been about 10 -11 years old, when I sat down with Nee. Her name is Niru but most of us used to call her Nee. Knowing that she was good in math I asked her to teach me some math problems. Remember, I was not very studious girl to go to somebody for help that too when the subject is as boring as math. But, there must have been some strict warnings if we do not do that particular homework in time or I could have been noticed by my math teacher due to my weakness. I don't remember it now for whatever the reason that made me to sit down with Nee to seek help in this matter. So, Nee started with very good intention to help me in my math problems. Opening a book and picking one particular   exercise, she started the class like she had seen her teachers doing it during classes, “suppose X + Y = 5” or something like that. I stopped her there and then asked her, “what is suppose ? why do I have to suppose ?” She looked at me for some time and then changed the word with “imagine X + Y = 5.” I had to stop her there too, to clear my confusion; I looked at her with cats look on my face and then asked her, “imagine, what is imagine and how can I imagine  X + Y = 5  ?.”  

She was very sweet and helpful person and because she was very good in math than other girls in our class and in room also, so she was willing to help me but now she thought to give in when she saw that there is no way she can ever help me in my confusion about math. Because I do not remember another such sit down with Nee and then Math remained my weak subject throughout my school and college days.

Couple of years later, Nee and I was in same room [Bal Mandir]. I think we had been sharing   same room for many years but this time because we were paired up to do some work together so I remember now. The work was to carry the morning and evening plates to the kitchen from our room for a month. We could do it together each time or give one time of the day to  each one, meaning if I do it in the evening then she has to do it in the morning time. It so happened that I was doing it in the evening and we were doing it separately.

One day Nee requested me to do the job morning time instead of my usual evening time, saying she has some other work in the morning time and in turn she will do it in the evening time for couple of days. Her logic was, “why not you do it morning and then I will  do it in the evening.” I had did this just the last evening and now she was telling me to do it in the morning again, so my response obviously was, “but I just did it last evening and I have to do it again this morning too ?” She was trying to convince me that, “anyway we have to do it once in twenty four hour, what difference it makes if its morning or evening ?” But I stick with what I said before “ but I just did it and you are telling me to do it again.”

Nee was very level headed person compared to other girls in Bal Mandir and so tried hard to convince me with her reasoning and problem to understand the situation which I did not get it then. So she may have switched this work with other girl for next month or so to sort out her problem, as I was not understanding. I was not understanding her reading but if I try to look back and try to see it from her angle, it seems that it was more of the thing I was not ready to cooperate with her rather than being confused with time factor issue. One thing for sure, I don't feel bad now about the stupidity of my childhood or teenage mistakes.

Years later, during our rare gatherings I sat down with Nee and then try to catch up our old time, I asked her, “Nee, do you remember trying to teach me math or my confusion with suppose or imagine questions ?”  It seemed that she had forgotten all that but responded wisely like she always does, “what difference it makes if your math was so weak, you are so good in what you are doing and your weakness does not even matter to anywhere and definitely not you !”

I did not know that my childhood friends saw me with so much respect and so high regards for me than I see myself, Now she is right I can say 5 + 5 is 25,  or it could be 2500, nah its not even close it can be 5,000 or 50,000 without much reasoning. Well if you don't believe me then try to put some negative message in your Facebook status that is about our corrupt politicians cursing them to see how many buzz it will create in the society and then see the result yourself in just couple of days.

Mark Zukerberg, you have no idea how thankful I am to your magic invention of social networking site, Facebook. I can be soo wrong in math when I say 2 + 2 is 22 or 22,000 but in reality it will crush all the preconceived notion about the math in reality and in real world.

Biological Father

I really find it bit odd to share this part of my life, as it being the harsh truth of my life also. But, by now there is nothing which I have not shared with my readers through my blog. Having said that, this also means there is almost no secret which can be called secret of my life. This is obviously because, I grew up in Bal Mandir, a place where only those are kept who has no parents, so this particular truth never bothered me during my childhood there. Of course, there were children who used to feel sad and bad about the fact; that they did not have parents and that's why they ended up in Bal Mandir, I never understand that feelings and I used to poke fun at them and they used to tell me I was a stone hearted person.

I grew up in Bal Mandir and life was normal without family members around. Even though, just like the other teenagers, I also got curious to know something about my ‘family’ too. So, I started asking this question to the older brothers, who used to visit me whenever they could manage. There was one more confusion, I have many brothers, but when I was young that ‘many’ part always used confuse me a lot. For very long period, I was just not sure, how many brothers I have, five or seven ? It was only during my mid teen years, finally I learned to keep the fact in my mind that, I have five and not seven brothers. I was the youngest one as well as I am the only girl in the family.

I really don't understand why this particular fact should bother me because; I am not a family person and I don't seek peace or anything, whatever its called, in the cozy comfort circle of people called family members. I am quite not sure why we used to get curious to know about the people who were related to us by blood. Could this be the peer pressure or this is the point we start feeling awkward about this part of truth in our life ? I guess we get curious in this matter when we get pressed too much by  those around us, who have not just some but all relatives at home and some of the children in Bal Mandir were there even when they have all, but one of the parents is dead - excuse could be anything in both case. So, at one point of life we were pressured to know more about who are in our ‘family’. Undoubtedly, I also started asking them, do I have parents ?  When I was in about seventh grade, I learned that our mother had died when I was three. And yes, we have father, “but he is crazy”, the oldest two must have said so. When they said crazy, I figured that he was mentally ill. Years later I heard from my youngest brother, he was warned about the crookedness of the oldest two by his father before his death.

Madhavpur, Chitwan is the place my youngest brother have choose to settle down. He lives only about 20 minutes drive from the place, where we were born. He had moved there in 1995. He invited me to visited him and his family in 2000 and it was my first visit there. I do not have that good relationship with my brothers and at times it looks like almost like with strangers. But there is no doubt that, sometimes I get unpaid holidays at his place for about a week or 10 days.

It was at that time, I came to know that I had a father who died just about 5 years ago. He had died after I have completed my college graduation. But the fact remains that I have never ever seen him in my life. At one point of life I also lived with my brothers - in fact they always came to stay with me, the place I rented - for short period of time yet I do not remember the fact that he ever wanted to see me or he ever made any effort to come and see me where I stay. It was, as if; he never wanted to be in touch with me or see me.  

Like I said before because, I grew up in Bal Mandir so that fact  did not bother me or break me in any way. I accepted the fact that I don't have my parents and on top of that I was not even close with my brothers - never grew up in family and no responsibility or respect. I have no problem to say our father or our mother, or father or mother but for some reason I am so uneasy and uncomfortable to use the word ‘my father’ or ‘my mother’.

But sometimes I really wonder why this man, who happened to be my father, was never ever interested to see me; when I was growing ? Was he mad with me ? What could have been the reason he avoided to see me all his life ? I asked this question to Sukdev, which I have heard long time back, “was he crazy” ? This could have been the good excuse for him, not to worry about me or my whereabouts. But the answer surprised me, when my brother-in-law said, “no,  he was very very normal  man and died as a normal man. Instead she asked me, “who told you he was a crazy man ?” It was simple  our brothers !

But not knowing him, bars me not to be angry with him for his explainable behavior or whatever reason he may have remained to choose invisible in my life. Some times I think I should have been mad with him if only I knew his thought or belief about me.  But may be for this very reason, I do not think I belonged to him, just because he was my biological father. I have no feelings for him,  no attachment with him, no respect for him, but at the same time I do not feel any kind of anger with his odd behavior; just like I don't expect anything from a stranger !