Woolen Blanket

Truth be told, I am not that comfortable to stay overnight with a friend’s place. It could be my habit or this is something I have hardly done as a child growing up in Bal Mandir. Going out and staying overnight was not the common practice there. It is hard to say why we never spend our night with anyone's place. Is it not sure that, we were not invited or we were not allowed to spend night at our friends place. Couple of years ago, I have been to a friends place for a lunch and something happened  that day which caused me along with other friends of ours to spend night at her place.

That night I was in for a shock, when  she offered me only one blanket to sleep with.  I still remember asking her, just one quilt ? won't it be cold ? Now, it was her turn to be surprised with my question. yes and one will be enough, she responded.  Our bed were prepared on a floor of a room. Four of us slept in a row. Because we were four, so I did not feel that much cold even with only one quilt to cover me for the whole night. Indeed, after some time I even felt hot in the group of people.

Why was I surprised with just one quilt ? Because I never ever settled for just one quilt or blanket to cover me during winter time. Perhaps, it's because when I was growing up in Bal Mandir we always use three blankets to cover us during winter season. Of that three blankets, one was wollen blanket, second a cotton quilt and then the  third one is itchy blanket which we put on top of all. So, when she handed me just one, it was kind of cultural shock for me to believe what she was doing. I have never went to bed with just one blanket to cover me.

As a child, I do not remember other blanket touching my night body, but Woolen blanket, which used to keep us warm. Cotton quilt only worked with woolen blanket but not alone. As far as I can remember, all the two hundred children in Bal Mandir had the woolen blanket on each bed. It was a lot softer and warmer compared to cotton quilt that is widely used here in Nepal in every households.

The knitting of it used to be very basic, even a person who knows basic knitting can make those colorful patches. Each blanket was made with about hundred such colorful patches. Each patches  used to be about 6x8 in size. Then it was neatly stitched. Some of the blanket have properly rimmed from the all four sides and some were left without being rimmed. It was easy to use, fold and then cover in our body. I really don't know, why, I still feel the softness of it after all these years.

The question is who made those woolen blanket ? I just happen to know the answer also and the answer is, jail mates in US made those blanket. I do not remember having two way conversation with anyone about it, but, somehow this line have stamped in my mind. I guess I must have heard two adults talking about it when I was still too young to know the importance of this conversation.

Now, when I am full grown one question bugs me and that makes me  wonder why the jail mates in US has to do the community work for the children in Nepal ?  why do we not have people in our  society who acts responsible for the mess this society face ? and why the people as far as US has to do this for us ?

Could this be our religious believe that bars our people to act responsibly ?

Surprise in the pocket

Nepal is hit by earthquake and now the hard hit victims are facing the brutal cold under the temporary shelter. I have been reading it on facebook coming from  all sides how difficult it's been to those who still could not move in their home after all these months also. I also have been reading that some givers are dumping the clothes in the name of giving.

In recent years, I myself have been through the hard time so It's been so long that I have not been in the position to give my clothes. Earlier than this, if I gave it never went to that far to the unknown people. It was a lot easier to manage my used shoes and clothes. All of it used go to my friends and they never mind when I gave them my used clothes. Honestly speaking, this is my first giving that is going to those whom I do not even know.

As I was packing some give away clothes some childhood memories of mine made me to leave some coins inside the pockets. Luckily when I looked for some coins, I had some so I did that. Must I do it ? that I really don't know, but I like leaving some coins in all the pockets.

Suddenly, that simple act of mine took me to that time when I was a young child and growing up in Bal Mandir. About 200 children have got new coats. that was a donation from foreigners Word coat tells me that it must have been winter time. I must have been too young to remember everything in details but I do have some blurry memory of it and some clear like mirror. As they tried on those coats and put their hands in pockets almost every child started shouting with joy that they have found something inside the pocket. Some children frisked some coin and some even found some rings and necklace inside the pockets. Some were digging deeper in their pockets to find something and there was something in every pockets not to disappoint every child -maybe.

Some of them asked to the room nannies first, with sheer excitement.  The excitement of those were high who had founds some foreign coins and rings and some even founds necklace. Some of it was gold and silver but some of it was pure coated gold. Those who found the rings and necklace now wanted to know whether it was gold or not. Some of the children were confused that, should they trust their nannies, if it was gold or even with house mothers ? Will they get a chance to keep it for them if it was real gold or silver ornaments ?  Some of the children started to rub the pricy metal in their hands fast. They say, if it's gold you can't see the blue marks in your hand. if it was a fake gold then the blue marks can be seen in our palm.

Earier than this, I did not know the easy way to check the originality of gold or silver. Now  after many decades later even writing this makes me smile. Why did I wanted to know it, when I was not even ten years old. These are not the stuff for children but for adult’s pride and prestige or it could be beauty accessories for many of them.

Although, I heard all this but I do not remember how much coin was inside my pocket  and who all got a chance to keep those coins, rings or necklace. I remember Junkiri saying in the later years the house mother, Kedar Shrestha kept some of those pricy ornaments like necklace  and rings but she never returned to the children, who naively had gone to check the originality of it.  At this very moment my mind is racing what color would have been the ginni made ornaments ? Will it leave the blue color in hand or not ?

My give away clothes are gone now and me not being the ornament lover, I didn't have the rings of any kind to leave in the pockets.  Why there was coin in almost every pockets ? It may be the superstition to leave something inside the pockets when we give it out for other but I would like to keep that superstition. Truth be told I am not even superstitious person but when it's harmless like this one what's wrong following it ?

Pass on the good deeds

There are some people in our life and we are so indebted to them, all we can do is say thank you.  saying this is so easy but there was time I waited for  the time to return him  the goodness he gave me in my life. I was not smart enough to know, kindness and good deeds should be passed on and we should not wait right time and way to say thank you to those people whose gratitude awash us.

It was the year 90, when Bernhard came forward to pick my college bills along with other cost that will make sure I have no problem going to college. he came in my life out of nowhere. Truth be told he had gone to Bal Mandir and expressed his desire to help a young student to send to college. I so happened to be in her mind and just like that I was picked. That sure made my only dream of that time; of going to college, a lot easier. This stroke of luck, made others from Bal mandir so jealous of me. Honestly speaking, that was so satisfying feelings I have felt, because you know I come from that background no one is envious of our life.

In the beginning, I thought he was picking my college bills all by himself. But, after two years he told me that he has been asking money, with his friends on his birthday instead of gift for himself; so that he could help more children to get better education after Bal Mandir. He helped me to finish my graduation and wanted to support my further study until masters degree but I was not interested in higher study. I thought, I am in Nepal and more educated you are more frustrated you become and I did not wanted to end up as a frustrated educated person.

During that four years of my college life, I was so grateful to Bernhard for what he did to me. Not surprisingly, I wanted to thank him or give him some gift that would please him. sorry except good marks on my report card as I was never a bright student. In my teen stupidity, I also used some money to buy gifts, a window craft by locals here. Sure, that money was also I have saved from the very money which he used to give me for my full study [ room rent, food cost and total study bill].  I still remember, bewilderment in his eyes and saying that I don't want any gift from you, all I want is your good health and do good in your study.

That was not normal for me. See, I grew up in Bal Mandir and no one gives you anything without something in return. But he did not want anything from me except my good health and me excelling in college. I was not a bright student to get good marks and still Bernhard never pressured me for good marks in my report cards. After seeing my mark sheet which was not so good for a person who was studying on sponsorship budget; he once told to encourage me, marks could be decisive. That simple line stamped in my mind forever. Over the years, I came to know that I can't do anything for Bernhard. He do not need anything from me in return for all the good he did for me.

We became very close over the years. I used to tell him everything that used to happen in my life and I make sure he gets all my news from me before any other wants to become my spokesperson. We stayed in touch for another 20 years. We still meet whenever he comes to Nepal. Whenever we catch we have lots to talk and share with each other and we catch up from the point where we left last time. Sure, we forgot some boundaries of project v/s life. It took me long time to understand I was part of his big project and there is whole life apart from Bernhard in my life. His project grew with every passing years. Today, there are more than 76 children in his education project and more than 100 student have already been passed out from college until now.

Me not being a bright person, it took me long time to get it that we should not waste our time waiting to find the right opportunity to say thank you to the person who did good in our life especially when we can't do anything for them. Instead we should find our own ways to pass on the good deeds to others. This is the only way and the right way I can say him; thank you in real sense. So, now I know what I need to do. I do exactly what he did to me.

Just like him, I will ask money with others and then give it to those who needs it for better education. If he has done this for 200 then I will do this for 2000 children. Stupid me why didn't I get it earlier, I should have started long time back. But, I think Bernhard was of my age when he picked me up; therefore, I think I am not that late.

Bernhard is that rare man in my life, whom I love, respect, admire, like and loop up to. This is not something every man gets from me.

Bernhard is my that single perks of life for being raised in Bal Mandir that changed my whole life or at least the way I see life after knowing Bernhard.

Man trapped in boys world

Whenever I get Dashain break,  I go to my brothers place at Chitwan Madhavpur; even though he and his whole family is christian. This time because, here in the the city we are facing Indian blockade so I have to stay at his home for longer than what I had planned to stay before I left Kathmandu.

Unlike other family we are not much close may be for the obvious reason, I grew up in Bal Mandir and this does not mean I was the only one who had to spend life in Bal Mandir.  My four brothers were also have been sent to Bal Mandir or other shelter homes. Except for the oldest one, who had to stay at home with his father because he was old enough not to keep in any shelter home at that age. The ‘home’ we called was swept away by an angry flood.

They said such angry flow of river happens once in 30 years only. And when it was angry like that my family was dispersed. Sure there must have been many more like us and their story may have been different than mine. The youngest two of us were kept in Bal Mandir. My brother could have been around five at that time and another two was placed in other shelter home which also fell under the Management of Nepal Children's Organisation. Me and my youngest brother have small age gap, so no wonder I am closer with my youngest brother compared to other brothers. During the early years, we both were kept in Bal Mandir but latter on he was transfered to the Shifal branch of Bal Mandir, where only boys are kept.

We both are a reader and talker. He was the brightest child and He always topped the class, and never ever became the second in class in his entire school life. Not just that he also used to take part in debate, poem reciting, took part in singing competition, painting and what not all that was given opportunity as a child by royal family when we were growing up. As for me, I was not even close to the tenth roll call, nah, I was not even near by the 20th roll call or the neighbor of 30th. In those days we  used to have the roll call according to the ranking we got in our exam papers. I was just the average child when I was in school or my entire student life. Still, we can talk and argue on almost anything. However, it seems whenever we catch up, our talk and time flies back in our childhood memories and we talk most about that time.

He keeps telling me even today, it was because the new housemother named Sabitri Basnyat had been transferred in Bal Mandir from the Shifal branch and she just did not like him.  He also remembers why. She may not have liked him. Sukdev, was confident child and so the argumentative nature was part of his personality and the housemother may have thought he was challenging her beliefs with his childish brain. He was not the kind; who backed off easily, once he is convinced of something. It seems to me that there was a case of ego clash. He insist she was narcissistic. She sure had that attitude of : how dare you look into my eyes, talk back to me or retort fast ? even if, was asked in anger.

Being a bright student may be he was curious of many things but what I do remember today that even the naughtiest behavior of children was termed as bad behavior in Bal Mandir. Sabitri Basnyat was mother of this twist of word who never wanted to understand the difference between the two word and it was her choice by default.

It's not a coincidence that, she hated me too for very long time and I do not have much good memories of me liking her as the feelings was so very mutually shared. I have written so much about her rough handling of children when I was young and innocent, and was growing up in Bal Mandir. Thank God, there was much more than Sabitri Basnyat to remember when I look back in my time that I have spent in Bal Mandir as a child. Luckily, it seems it's the same with my brother also.

When I took a stroll at my brother's backyard that immediately sent me back in my memory lane of my childhood time. Because, there was a small piece of kitchen garden with some fruit trees. In that small piece of land he has grown some vegetables, some trees, some herbs some flowers and many fruit trees for that small area. But, more than anything it was that thing in the middle of the kitchen garden there was some sugar cane plant at one line of it. It was that plant that has more power to pull me in my childhood time. Because, when  we were in Bal Mandir it was a kind of Bal Mandir culture to provide some land for boys to take care of it as soon as they were old enough to take care of something. I mean more than a puppy. In that small plot every boys grew sugar cane, along with other things. and they enjoyed it during winter season. Out of curiosity, I even counted it. There was  about 15 -18 less than 20 sugarcane and I know for sure that will not cross the number if I visit him ten years later also. He can't chew it as he has very weak set of teeth in his mouth, and I doubt; anyone at home really want to eat it. Still it was there. It was just there for the sake of his memory of good old time.

Another thing that sent me directly with a short cut ticket to my memory land in Bal Mandir was because, there is so many fruit trees in his small piece of land, where he also grows vegetables for about 20 people each day. Again counted those fruit trees. About ten papaya trees,  three mango trees, two trees of avocado, a litchi trees, a tree of custard apple and a grape vine and a vine of mango also. All those fruit trees have the combination power to send me in my memory lane from where I can never ever delete the trees of mango, litchi, plum, pear, and peaches. There was about six pear trees in one row and he had planted papaya trees just like that, about five in a row and rest scattered around the premises .

I remarked about my observation and he agreed having been so much influence from what he had seen in his childhood time. I have heard in a TV advertisement that we learn most from the observation than going to school or hearing a preaching. His gardens tells me exactly the same thing about that observation that tells a story of his childhood memories. And there is nothing wrong when a man still has that part of his life in him, his sweet memories of childhood.

I grew up in Bal Mandir

• Bal Mandir is a biggest orphanage here in Nepal. Well, I really have not heard of another orphanage which has more children in one place even today. Of course, there are so many small size children home that have been gaining popularity in society. We keep reading so many corruption story that goes in there but I will not cover that part of my life. I better leave it to whole lot of other people who loves to talk about the dark side of it. 

I grew up in orphanage. This line may sound pretty simple and easy to say, read or write  you are reading it. This line, which I say now with so much ease, without inhibition and admit it with so much confidence today as if this is a prize I possess and I am proud of. It was however was not easy for me always. I was not comfortable to muster it, when I was in school, college and after that I was working in many offices. It was indeed not easy to utter even when I was living in Bal Mandir. Much later on in my life, I learned that it was because I was not much aware of the fact, how the people who were raised by parents thought about us. Nah, more than that it was because we were treated in Bal Mandir by the staff as if we were the sin. Now I know what was the sin; sin of being their bread and butter. Adult always hate their job and I was the job.

I have written so much in my earlier post about how fragile our self esteem was, how much we suffer from inferiority complex and we acted as if it was our exclusive property. But, then one day we all grow up. When I say we all grow up one day,  I mean to say that we grow up to find out, our why[s] in life that bugs us whole life. If we try to find the answer we all do sure find out our answers.

Most recently, I read Khushi by Bijay Kumar. He is that few journalist I used to watch, read and believe. It is however interesting to learn that, after reading his autobiographical book my opinion about him did not change; not even by an inch.  How come it's possible ? There is so much ups and downs of his life in the book. He had poured his soul out and yet no change in my opinion about him ! This book cannot be said bad from any angle, yet; for me, my opinion about the journalist did not change after getting all his inside information.

Why ? This simple question bugged me, I mean seriously bugged me off. But, then in that very perplexed mind of mine is what I have found my profound answers of my life. At times Bijay Kumar is down to earth and suddenly he sounds so arrogant. He is polite and so judgmental at times than he is expected. There are times he is so perplexed and then yet forgiving to people who caused some hindrance in his life. He also forgave those who threw crisscross in his career while they stayed in the dark. This book is all about, how his career was still on track despite his personal and professional struggle in his life. To find an answer of his life, of his emptiness he goes in a journey to find who he really is. He very honestly tells us how helpless he was to help himself in so many situations he finds himself. Mostly, it's our crab’s-leg-pulling mentality in office that grips my society, to be honest with it grips our nation. He is brutally honest to tell us whenever he could not face the sleuth people in his office, he left the job, again that put him in financial pressure.  I did not find any answer there, how to face such situation of our country.

But then at one point he clearly writes he is a brand and he could not pay a loan to his friend. Well. I think he saying that he is a brand and yet not having a clue why the biggest brand of Nepali media had no clue how to pay ten lakh [one million] to his good friends. It really intrigued me. He is indebted to his good friend but, a good brand that is in the market for about 20 years, was not able to make him able to clear his dues. The brand of the media should have been able to help him pay that much money in less than six months, not just get it easily. But, he tells you the truth that, he was not able to pay that in about eight years also. Is he right then, when he says I am the brand. Where he is wrong when he thinks he is the brand ? Being most famous, popular as well as brainy and not knowing how to use that popularity of brand to make more money for him that he can earn sufficiently at the same time pay his dues right on time ? This has been one of my problem also, but somewhat not convincing in his narration.

And suddenly, it hit me that, what is my problem was also his, and the entire societies. But, then; may be for this very reason is the problem of most of the people here in Nepal. No answer offered, so no useful for future reading of this book. As for his spiritual journey, I have traveled that path when I was writing my own blog. I have found my own answer.  May be more than that, I have read people who are world famous to help people and guide people in their spiritual journey. Therefore, his book  was not much help for me.

However, reading that book just reminded me that it was in fact a gift of my life to be found in orphanage. Now I have realized, time I have spent there is equal to universe for me as it offers me answers of all the perplexing things of my life.

Well, I have found some of the complex answers in my life when I kept writing my blog. It was a self journey for me. I was writing for me not for anyone, putting it in words was combating fear of my life, finding who I am, where I come from and what I should pretend and what I would not. While I was writing it, I have no pressure to please anyone, no intention to hurt anyone. Sure, some of my post was not liked by the people who were with me when I was growing up in Bal Mandir. Couple of them felt I was after them for this or that reason which I never understand why they felt it that way.  I was even blamed at one point I was so ungrateful to the man who had sent me to college, who was more of my father. His daughters wanted me to delete the post that was about her. They tried to bring their father's influence in me and my life when I was refusing to delete it.

It was hard time when you know how much you love and respect him. It was also the time learning that sure I love me too and I respect me as well. Why will I do anything to harm anyone or show my disrespect to anyone. If I do it, it's for a reason and that reason has no intention to harm anyone for whatsoever. Then, I learned my real worth and value !

When I was reading the book China Harayeko Manchhe by Hari Bansha Acharya, who was suffering from low self esteem like 98.9% of the children in Bal Mandir. That really made me  think hard. But when I saw the same problem in Bijay Kumar I wonder how come ? Because like Hari Bansa he was not literally an orphan boy. As for Bijay Kumar, just his father was not in his life, when he was growing up.

I grew up in Bal Mandir, offers me all the answers to the difficult questions of my life. Now, it's not just the title of my new article or title of the book, I will publish one day. Now, it's my mantra too ! One thing for sure; I am not going to allow anyone to reject me, just because I grew up in Bal Mandir. I now know, I am the luxury, like that glittering diamond, pride and prestige of many big social workers, big projects that runs around us all the time. Some guys who dated me and then walked out, knowing I grew up in Bal Mandir, because I have power to make him feel small but he never came with status  that have power to over shadow my background. Without me [ or the people like me ] so many good big heart social workers can't have the busy life in society. And what about the name and fame they enjoy in their circle ? Reading Khushi tells me inferiority complex is not our exclusive property which I thought it was ours but its national issue. Don't believe me ! then; all you just have to do is read his book and get what is exactly  he was struggling for.