Thank you

As a teenager I used to read a question in many movie magazines, which used to go like this : who would you be, if you are given a chance to be the person you want to be ? The option would vary as magazines vary. They used to give options like, in next 24 hours, in a month or in your next lifetime. I used read the question with a very blank look and I was clueless in my heart, besides I could never come up with the exact answer, when I was young.

My response was to stare this question with a cat’s look. There used to be all kind of response, I used to read the odd and absurd answers from readers in response who used to respond the question, saying I want to be the poodle of a celebrity, in my next lifetime as I get a chance to be patted with beautiful people and be in so many nice places and eat good food and kiss the girls the whole world loves to.

To some my blankness might be the sign of me being from very privileged background, that's why, I would not want to be or would not have to be some body else even for a day forget about whole lifetime. Well that is some thing I am not, its quite sure; but there are reasons, why I don't would not want to be any body but me, myself; in many more lifetimes to come. Perhaps for that very reason my brain never worked better to imagine; Who I would like to be in my life for next year and in my next life.

This next life, kept me thinking though for quite some time yet I was clueless who and what; I would like to be in my next life ?

In fact, I am thankful to God, that, I don’t belong to any family; which comes from broken relationship and so the heart is broken, spirit is broken and house is broken. Yes, I did not get a chance to see my biological parents and the tragedy happened when I was just too young [only 3 years old] to understand the gravity of the word tragedy. I am thankful to God I was young to see their face and be attached to them or perhaps be habituated to them. Yes, I grew up in an orphanage [Bal Mandir]. But; my parents could not have been able to provide me that big palace to stay and equally big ground to play.

There were people around us to do the work for us, I did not have to cook and spend time in kitchen until I finished my School. I doubt I could have got the same easy life anywhere else. I like the freedom of not having parents around me. In fact; I regard parents as control freaks, and honestly speaking, don’t want them around me for many more of my lifetimes not just this one. I am not jealous, of those people; who have and what they have because of having parents around. Never ever, missed them and wished; if only I have them and my life would have been different. I only wish I could have understood it when I was in my teens or in my 20s and so that I could have enjoyed my life with the full freedom rather seeing this it from very different perspective which was never mine and not knowing, it was not even mine; instead it was injected.

This believe was an injection, an idea I grew up hearing in the Bal Mandir. Today, I am thankful that those didis [room nannies] who believed that we were cursed and that is the reason, we have to spend our lifetime in Bal Mandir, away from our loved ones and not in the lap of mother. Besides those didis, there were those male staffs, mainly cooks and other junior male staffs, who nodded and added to the core believe, holded by the ladies.

Thank God ! they are not related to me; not even remotely. There were people, mostly some ladies around me; I grew up with, their mothering only smothered me and their concern about us, then it discomforted me but now I know it, why. It only suffocated me [us] to the max, though as a teenager I did not knew about this smothering and suffocation; now, when I know this, I am so thankful to God.

I honestly think; I would have run away from family, if people were so control freaks, and telling me to do this and do that; just the way they wanted it. Thank God ! I am saved from those run aways. As a teenager, I hated lectures from anybody directed towards me, and I walked away from it. The housemothers thought, I was impossible child, now I get it, that it was Gods’ wish, that I hear none of it, other wise why do not I have parents ? I was orphan, they were the one who is ignoring the fact and it was not me. God; how I wish, they could have got it earlier than me. Its Gods willingness; we [orphans] are free from any lecture[s].

I feel truly and honestly feel sorry for them, for those who grew up hearing all those do this, and do that and don’t do that and No, No for this and definitely ‘NO WAY’ for that. Thank God, I can do what I like, and not answerable to anyone for any thing. If something goes wrong with me they say I don’t listen any one but I did not created the line, which says, too many cooks, spoils the food.

There were many woman; I grew up watching, but not wishing they were my mom. Thank God ! they were not my mom. I think, some things in life, like warm clothes on the body, education in good school and decent and warm food on the table is also not worth it, if it means to give up my liberty to do, what I want and how I want, not even parents, who are official naggers and try to control you the way they want. And for this very reason I am ever thankful to God.

There is this famous line in Bollywood, which has been used for so many times, and years later also; its still has the same charm, and as new as it was yesterday. “Aaj mere paas building hai, gaadi hai, bank balance hai. Tumhare pas kya hai. Kya hai tumhare pas ? ……………. Mere pas … Maa Hai.” [Today, I have a house, a car, a bank balance and what do you have ? .............. I have Mom].

I have to, twist it slightly; as per my situation. First i would like to request them repeate the question again please and then who ever things its so important to have parents and thinks, “I have parents, house, warm clothes and food on my table and went to best college........what do you have ? ......I have Bernhard.” But the truth is I have not got a chance to use this line. I still feel it; so strongly.

I am thankful to God for sending Bernhard in my life. Life is a package deal, what you have is all you have; so its your decision how you take it. If I had all those things, I would not have Bernhard and having him pales having all other things. Damn, I did not get it right on time ! I mean in my teen years but still, I kneel down and bow my head on the floor, to say my thank you to God for the choice you made for me; and your decision to send Bernhard in my life.