Aggressiveness where it comes from ?

Sunita Giri 11:08 PM |


Couple of years ago, I found myself seated behind the roomful of school and college going children of a Children’s Home here in Nepal, which is help run by a Swiss people.

Manish Shrestha, is a son of a staff and he offers volunteer service, now and then by guiding children in many ways, during his vacation time, whenever he is here in kathmandu from his job in Australia. Today, he called Prem and Shiva in front of the room and then gave two college going boys a situation. Suppose Shiva you have left your wallet in your room when you went out. But, when you came back, you find out that there are couple of bucks missing from your wallet. At the same time, you see Prem in your room; now  you two start  conversation based on this information on your hand.

Undoubtedly, the conversation started with Shiva accusing in attack mood to Prem, and he defending himself for the accusation of lost money. It was kind of teen’s angle of tackling a situation. It was a scene deja vu for me. Having been raised in Bal Mandir, subtle way of trying to find answer was not in our blood, we just go in attack mode and jump into the conclusion to blame others. There was never a thing called  ‘benefit of doubt’ existed in our knowledge when we were child. Is this because there were no grown ups around us  who were wise to teach us such things ?

But just then Manish interrupted both of them, and asked “Shiva have you seen Prem stealing from your wallet ?” “No” came the prompt answer from the first. Manish asked again, “Has anyone seen Prem stealing from your wallet ?” “No” was the response this time too, “then how come you are so sure to accuse him ?” Manish tried to make them see the things from different angle. “And Prem, if you have not stolen then it can be said without raising your tone or getting offended.”  Manish tried to reason with Prem too.

“See we don't live in stone age to behave just what you two gave us a glimpse of it, by entering into bitter argument like this. We can settle things in very reasonable and amicable manner also; like civilised people.” the volunteer went on.

Madam S, who is the chief in-charge of this children’s home from Nepal, was seated next to me and she whispered, in fact, honestly admitting that, “this is good for me too, as I too have tendencies to lose my patience and resorting to bitter argument.” Let me tell you one thing Madam S comes from very well to do family and there was every bit of things needed in life was available without even wishing.

She had been working for more than 30 years in children home by now and knows how we behave and respond to some issues. She calls the children ‘fightman singhs’ for children  being ever ready to argue and fight for every teeny tiny things.

People should listen to her, for what she says about the children because she has spent her thirty years, watching them grow and behave in Children’s home.  All logic seem to be getting lost for adults, when they try to find out the answer to some of the differences. Its really strange to see how fast the children get offended and go into defensive mode in response, in situation like that. There hardly exist a middle way to sort out, its just the tete-a-tete and nasty verbal fight, always.

I would not say this is the 100% behaviour pattern in the children but 90-95% cases  gets sort out the difference amongst the children.  Remember, this is not the case with close friends circle, but other than those who falls on close knit circle with us. Did I say, this was the same case with the school I attended. Doesn't this tell me, now that its the poverty not the parents or family as its believed by many, that is the root cause of a problem of aggressive behaviour.  

Is this also is the part of mood swing in an adolescent or the uncertainty of adrenalin rush in teenage blood that make them so argumentative ? or it distinctly has to be the kind of behavior with children who are brought up under lack of provisions. Those who were not loved, neglected for their needs or ignored for their demand and never hugged when they cry ? I do remember we were never hugged when we cried, not even after the tear dried in our eyes and cheeks.

When I look back, and try to understand those behaviours, it seems to me teenage behaviour has a lot to do  in argumentative nature and in boys its even adrenalin rush has to do a lot to explain their behaviour. Of course, understandable some attack mode and overly defensive nature do exist amongst the people who are not loved properly and ignored most of the time, but such behaviour do exist in children who grew up in family too. Some are overly sensitive and touchy beyond reason. I don't think I am defensive here now on behalf of all  the children who grew up in children’s home; its just that, this kind of behaviour can be seen here in huge mass also if I read their wall post on facebook, nothing makes sense to me.  If I see my country people, it just reminds of my life back in Bal Mandir, in terms of behaviour and thinking too. Of course, in every case, there are some, who come with exception just to surprise you.

However, I was shocked to see the reaction of grown ups by now at the reunion picnic last December to the things they were reacting to some simple questions or situations. It was so rough and hard to believe. Not knowing how to react what I was watching, I started laughing loudly and some of my childhood friends found it very humiliating and insulting too. They used the words same as they used to use,  when we were children and we have heard those words used by nannies or housemothers. All this reminded me how we were brought up and raised, and none of them could not live any better life, than the one we once raised and left behind. Thats how we were raised, and they say apple doesn't fall far from the tree. It was just witnessing a good example of how none of the apple rolled really far away from where it fell.

All of them were behaving exactly how they were raised and they seemed to be in ‘locked-in-memory’ in their subconscious mind; and not trying to understand, why we are behaving the way we are behaving.

Where does the aggressiveness comes from ? its nurture  or nature ? but there are school of thought that argues that its nature not the nurture that makes a person who he is or what he is.

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