Damaged and destroyed

On April 25, 7.8 magnitude earthquake terribly shook Nepal, which damaged lots of rana era palaces which has a history of almost 100 years. Not surprisingly, it did not spare the palace where I grew up as a child. It may be old palace for some or rana era palace for many, but its place where I spent my early childhood as well as almost all my teen years. I have spent a little more than 14 years of my life in this place. But, when I read the news of its fall down on national daily, the name of Bal Mandir was almost missing. It's so hard to believe our media persons refusal to recognize it as Bal Mandir  Instead, they were using names like NAFA art gallery or Sita Mahal or unknown to me until recently, ‘love palace’ in news reporting or links that was shared on social networking site for viewing. national dailies and ‘A’ grade journalist must have felt uncomfortable of recognizing it as Bal Mandir, even though, it's been standing there since 50 years, with a flag and name written Bal Mandir over its head.

But, for me or many others like me, who grew up there, played all our childhood games, did all the masti as a child, went to school, which is inside this building, this place will always be remembered as Bal Mandir. We have so many memories attached to this building than many we lived and switched over in our lifetime, as a grown ups.

The reporter seemed to be knowing the love story of a polygamous Rana officer who had many wives as well as many mistress to entertain him. However, this palace was made in the name of his last wife, Sita Tamang. When I was in Bal Mandir it was not easy for us to get the glimpse of her as she was very old and fragile [about 82 years]. She used to live in a near by house that was barred with a tall wall. She may have died about 30 years ago.  

I remember that there used be three women who were allowed to stay in Bal Mandir despite, it was exclusively opened for orphan, needy and destitute children. These women  were not on payroll but some meager stipend were provided to them. My wild guess is, they must have come in package deal to get the palace for really good cause. Among these three women two were very old and it was said that they were the caretakers of Bhim Shumsher Rana but one of them was not old enough like other two. She was in her mid forty or in mid fifties.  It was not for us to know it all, but it was talked in hush tone, which always went over my head then, but now, it seems relevant to remember her, whose name was Rose. She was also a Tamang girl, who was all too much tanned tamang and one of very few who are so tanned up like her, compared to the mostly fair skin tamang girls I know. When I was young I failed to see her youthfulness or qualities which could please the rana officer, but her interest in her getup and make up which displayed occasionally only which my young eyes failed to appreciate anyway, spoke much louder. It was said, she was also the mistress of rana officer. Oh yes she was younger than the Sita Maharani the true love of rana officer yet who would not get many one line as mistress to serve him.

This place sure do have many offices other than Bal Mandir - a children home. This name is not well known in Nepal but around the world to those whom it matters. Other offices which are housed in the Bal Mandir are Nepal Children Organisations office, Nutritious Food department, NAFA art gallery. About three school and Indian cultural center. No doubt for many outsiders, who visited this place or went to see only paintings or know a couple of artists who happens to be holding some high position in NAFA or other office may refuse to recognize this palace as Bal Mandir.

But look at this picture carefully, it has fallen down from top to bottom and not the top side that NAFA art gallery where paintings has been kept in exhibition to be worried and talk about in news reports. This particular side is also the main entrance from where children go to school, NCO staff go to their office and this is the same way that leads to the stair which take anyone to the top floor of NAFA art gallery.  At it ground floor there you can find the office of Indian Cultural Center today, so many would like to give it the name only they work in particular office and not necessarily naming Bal Mandir. But those who only recognized it as NAFA art gallery and worried about saving precious art pieces when it fell down, forgot that this building shelters about 140 children even today. Their worry about the art piece and not for the children only scares me to the core, suggesting that the lives of those children are a lot less important than the ‘precious pictures’ they worried about.

During 80s era, it was the most happening place in town. During late 70s and 80s it was also the place where all the after school programs used to take place. Besides that, this was also the place where many nationwide talent competitions used to take place, round the year. The competition used to be dance, singing, painting, sculpture making, debate, poem or you name it. It was the most happening place, before the 1990 political movement in Nepal. Once the multiple political party came in  power, its management became weak.

The hard truth is the bigger part of the palace is being used as a children's home or the office which looks after the management of Bal Mandir as well as about a dozen children homes across the nation. Honestly speaking, it really shocked me as well as made me mad for not being recognized as Bal Mandir in in the news I read in the Himalayan Times recently. As if human lives of poor, needy and destitute children, means nothing or less important than those precious art pieces. Or its something they do not feel comfortable to talk about. So, to cover up their own uneasiness they choose only to talk about arts and how to protect precious arts of yesteryear or the love palace. The news piece did not even think it necessary to report what I get from other sources, that all the children were shifted to Nutritious Food Department for safety reason.

This shows how much our media friends suffer from small syndrome.

You offend me !

Whenever a person pops in my chat room to say, ‘I am sorry to know you grew up in Bal Mandir’ that makes me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. Many of them say it when I post my blog link on my Facebook status. Let me put it straight here, you offend me whenever you say this line. It does not even matter who you are. Why are you feeling sorry for the knowledge that I grew up in Bal Mandir, when I am not ! Why should I be ?  Do you want me to be ? but why ? 

Most of the times they are stunned with my response !

Sometimes, I end up arguing them in my chat room for their shallow concern and at times even nice people find me very rude but should I be rude to those who just pops up and say I am sorry to know that you grew up in Bal Mandir, who just presumed that I post my memory on my blog to gain sympathy.

Posting my blog is not about seeking sympathy. I do not seek sympathy, I have no hunger for pity and I am intolerant for shallow concerns about my condition. What I know about it is, all of them, [well  majority of them] are  fake, fake and fake only. No wonder, it makes me feel so uneasy and uncomfortable. There was time, I did not used to say a word about it but now I am not that Sunita who used to be 20 years before. Slumped in low self esteem, who used to get intimidated by those who grew up in family. 

Now, I am up instantly for an hour long debate on it.

I have tried to make people understand, through my post that living in Bal Mandir is not something I should feel inferior about, or be sorry for or seek sympathy. Many of them seem to be refusing to understand my thought, so I also refuse to understand their fake emotions when ever they say sorry you dont have parents.

Yet, there are people who really think, I should realize; its a sorry state and condition. It seem that people in my society are more negative thinking than understanding the reason behind it. Here in our society they would like to say negative things for you or feel sorry for you for your condition. There was time I used to feel sorry for my bad condition. Sorry because I was made to and bad because we were customized to feel bad about we ending up in Bal Mandir. 

The junior staff at the Bal Mandir made believe us its Karma, due to our bad deeds in our previous life we were punished, so we ended up there. It took me years to understand that Bal Mandir is not a jail, we did not ended up there, because we had done anything wrong like the people in jail or I have my direct hand at the age three in the flood that swept the entire village and we ended up in Bal Mandir.  I have written so much about it in my blog, yet people still keep telling me ‘sorry to know that you grew up in Bal Mandir.’ Let me tell you one more time, why feel sorry for me when I am not sorry for being raised in Bal Mandir.

I was not raised by parents. Parents whose world is so limited that their family means, their children and their family members only. They are so much gripped in I me and my family; where as the people who  operated the Bal Mandir and donated and devoted their lives to make sure that we get good life when we grow up; despite we not being their children. The sponsors mostly from the developed country used to pick a child from the picture and then they picked the education bill until we finished school. Some lucky like me also got a chance to finish our college education. Some of them used to visit to see how the children they sponsored are doing, and how they can be more helpful. I never have one of those sponsors but that did not mean I was deprived of educations. I really have not seen or read about such practice here in my country  yet there are people who feel comfortable to pour meaningless sympathy and pour out tsk tsk in loads with long sorry face that you wonder are they sorry for us or they are the one who are in search of sympathy in their own life ?

I am sure some of them need more sympathy and pity than we deserve.

There were girls like Radha and Nirmala. These names strike in my mind even today, who hated the word, ‘poor girls’ whenever some office staff or the somebody who visited Bal Mandir used it for us on our face. Then, I did not realized it until recently what made them so angry about those two compassionate words then ? Even in their teen years, they hated the shallow concern and fake sympathy. Me being a slow to get it, have to go in college to understand. Once, when I was in college one of my friends mother gave me a cold hug vocalizing, she felt sorry for me. It was then I get it,

I just hated that cold hug and fake sympathy. Her sympathy was anyway not going to send me to college or make me dependable later in my life. Because, Bernhard was picking up my college bills and sending me to me college to make me independent in my life. Interesting he n ever ever said I am sorry for you or gave me one of those cold hug. It was around that time, I understood why such cold hugs or shallow is so useless and meaningless ! There was just one Bernhard who came forward to help me in true sense, rest all the other people whoever expressed their baseless and meaningless concerns was fake fake and fake. needless to tell you I grew up hating it. Had I not been careful, I might have turned into the victim of people taking advantage of my condition that suited them mos;t not me.  

Let me share one more incident with you. When I was in college, or while I was working in office I never used to talk about the time I have spent in Bal Mandir. Its not that I was embarrassed or shy about this reality of my life. I just hated to gain some unwanted attention or sympathy from people around me. This was also the best and only way to keep my boyfriends but the moment I tell them I grew up in  Bal Mandir, I give them licence to treat me like second class citizen as their view of me  changed overnight. 

It also made me wonder, what is love or feelings anyway ? Or what is pride and prestige anyway, which can be changed with just couple of words like Bal Mandir or my life.  But, now when I write about my life and experience, its purely not to gather fake sympathy from strangers. 

I do this to understand me and to understand the people around me.

This line - I am so sorry - for your condition is total ignorance of my thought on the reality and the life which I lived in Bal Mandir and which shaped my thought now. Unlike the people who are raised by self centered parents for whom the world meant is to raise their own child and love them and pick up their bills. However, being raised in Bal Mandir means to come across to those people who not just take care of their own children but also take responsibility of others like us in many ways. Nah, not all the time they were rich but they wanted to be make sure that we also have a dignified life later in our life.

To be honest, I really don't understand why do I have to be so offended by the ignorant people who refuse to understand the kind of life I had and how it changed my take on life. I only wish there was some adult to make us understand all this when I was young sadly there were none. My case is different but if they did not have parents, who could make them understand the difference in life ? Parents are not worth missing in life.  

That is why I say you offend me ! when you say, you are sorry to know that I grew up in Bal Mandir, because I am not and will not be just because you feel sorry for me.

Note : Before this also I have posted a blog based on this, which you can read full in these two post or what about  I am so sorry and No sympathy, please, I could brag but I wont.

My first Christmas

Christmas is around the corner and suddenly I am flown back in my memory lane of childhood. Its really hard for me to guess my age at this time nor I can remember which class I was in, so that I could have guessed my age. I was in a group of young children to be selected to visit a hotel to the celebrate Christmas party. That’s why I am guessing, I must have been very young to know even the name of the hotel. As for the hotel, I am guessing this must have been the Soaltee Hotel as there is no other hotel’s name is coming in my mind at this moment. Its not that I have not been to all the five star hotels here in Kathmandu, but still the name of the hotel or the place of it, is just not coming clear in my mind. I really don't know why the Soaltee Hotel’s name is coming in my head. Is this the reason the name was mentioned by adults before we went there to celebrate the Christmas ? the reason could be anything.

the main party and the glitter of the hotel and the food platter in front of us is very much blur in my mind nor I do remember for many more years to come. All the fancy things the hotel has organised for the children had nothing to last the memories.  We may have talked about the party and the glitter and the delicious food  we had and place we have been for about a week.

May be it was the concept of the person who really had come to visit Bal Mandir with an idea that this festival and taking out some children with them will bring smile on our face. Strangely though, I do remember the dress I wore, when I went there. I was wearing a two piece striped dress. The stripes were vertical but the horizontal ones. Even more stranger is fact that I also remember the color of the dress also. It was green, light green and the white stripes. It was not even my dress. I have borrowed it from the close friend of mine; which was very common practice when I was in Bal Mandir. Everybody used to borrow dress from each other, whenever we needed to go out.

Its hard to understand why I was not looking for next Christmas party, which is celebrated with such glittery, in a five star hotel and delicious food platter to grace our plate. Why it was not worth remembering and to wait for the next year to come and then again look forward to be taken to a hotel to celebrate Christmas party ? Nah, I really don't remember that part also. Dashain is not celebrated with such glittery environment in five star hotels. Its pure family affairs, but I love dashain and all its aspects. But, as a child what I remember is we always look for so eagerly and intently another dashain to come and celebrate it every year.

Is this call attachment and detachment to ours and theirs national festival ?

Lucky me !

• When I see this small child who is less than three years old, being beaten by his mother; it's really not easy for me to take it lightly. As I did not grew up in family to take it as normal, presuming that this kind of scene happens in every home. It may be because if we used to eat leftover food in Bal Mandir it was reported on national papers and people presumed we always eat leftover food all the time. And if there is this kind of brutality of physical abuse by our caretakers then this kind of news really used to make a huge cry in society. This is very hypocrite behavior. its accepted by a mother and parents but not by a irate caretakers. Of course, when I was growing up in Bal Mandir, I just did not know about all this may be I was too young to pay much attention to the newspaper craps. To some its a politics and to some writers this kind of news, which can give them instant popularity. 

Ture, Bal Mandir is the place where you can see all kind of people with all types of intentions. There are good good people who have good heart and there are bad people who are working for them yet waiting for some personal gains. Recently, I  read in a national daily that Rabin Shrestha who is 43 years old working in fund raise department  in Bal Mandir raped 13, 14, and 15 year old autistic girls and he was not alone to sexually molest those young girls in Bal mandir. There was another man named Rabin Chalise also. But then there are some good hearted human right activist also, who talked to these girls and then sent these molesters to 16 and half years jail term.

I have  been in contact with Bernard for more than 20 years now.  In 1989, when he started helping me to finish my college I was only one but today he is helping 100 more and there are long list of people who have gone to good school and college because he wanted us to get the good education. Now, his Prabina Foundation not just makes sure that the needy children get good education but also good environment; where they can stay and go to school. So, this foundation also runs a Prabina Home in Kathmandu. I have first hand knowledge to say how some people dedicate their entire life to make sure that we get good education and life. They are not the one who exploit the children.

Ironically, most of the times its the staff in children's home, be Bal Mandir or other small children homes where needy, vulnerable and destitute children are kept. Then there are some small time donner[s] who would like to receive something in return, once they give couple of bucks. Pastor Rajan Neupane who  also runs a children's home near by Sun City helps me to get this matter pretty clear. They have strict policy not to let any donors to stay in their children home, even if they would like to donate them handsome money to run the children home. One must be aware that, in every children home money is always the much needed thing and some donner really would like to take  undue advantage of such need  to run it and vulnerability of the young child in children home. I have seen really bad and sad condition in some Indian children home that makes the headlines in news paper before it ending in the crime shows tear jerker.

How some people really see opportunity to make money in children home is so ill thought and it sure do make us sick to our stomach but whether we like it or in reality there are alway people who will keep doing so and keep taking advantage of those people, and also journalist who will keep their hawks eyes in this place. What to say about those who steals from those children or the one who work in these places thinking they can have free access to those young girls, where they can sexually molest them.  

About six months before one such false sexual molestation news break on national news paper really spoiled the image of a good hearted social worker in just a day. All her good work of 20 years was gone into the drain. what can you say about such journalist who seek instant fame ? Why its so hard for people to accept that it's ok to be abused by  parents but not in children homes ? why ? if parents can have hard times in a day break sometimes can't the staff at the children's home break loose ? or they are paid so they are not expected but  parents are not paid so they can do what they can ? or they are the one who give their child birth so they can do what they can ?

Its not that  Mamta don't shower her young child with excessive love when things are normal but when she gets mad things are really ugly. Can't help but think it was better to be raised in Bal Mandir because there were not overdose of love and overdose of abuse. I think too much of everything  imbalance life.  Ever since  I have seen this I started resenting this kind of unpredictable behavior  in a matter of a moment. I think this kind of behavior is the reason behind the crimes people commit in society. Are not most of the the heinous criminals and murder are raised  by mood swinging mothers ?

I keep watching crime shows and always try to understand why some men commit crimes. Sometimes my mind wanders in the wild zone while trying to find the answer. I have seen sometimes some men are so sweet in a moment and then their mood swings just like that and then suddenly they are unpredictable in next moment and then they end  up committing crime with that wild mood swing. Did this boys [men] were raised by mother who is so unpredictable like Mamta ?

I have read in a survey that children who are raised by caretakers are better than the children who are raised by parents or mainly mothers. Now I think Lucky me ! There were not the mother like Mamta who showered me with love in a moment and then went into unthinkable rage in the next. What difference it makes even that kind of mood swings makes her cry once she beats her own child brutally ?

Self Respect

Growing up in an environment which is regarded as a deprived children by most people is almost not that important, than; the the one that is associated with mental deprivation of real growth. Trust me, we did not lack food on our plate. There was always food, decent food on our plate than most people thought we could have. If the food was not decent enough to eat, its not that there was lack of money but because there were people who saw opportunity to make money out in the name of the destitute, needy and underprivileged. I hope you must have read my earlier post, Greed has no depth. I may not have been aware of the fact, when I was eating the soggy and smelly rice when I was in Bal Mandir but what Madam Shrestha revealed was shocking to me when I grew up. For that, I have to request you to read that post.

But here, I am not talking what we used to eat and what kind of food we were given to eat. Today when I am full grown, I have no complain to the kind if food we were given to eat during my stay in Bal Mandir. I have learned by now, that we are not what we eat. We are what we think and our thought is shaped by what we read, but how can we change our perception about our-selves when we are surrounded by the very people who are so cozy and comfortable with humiliation and disrespect ? Such was the cultural environment in Bal Mandir.

At some point, I thought that the staff, mainly the junior staffs used to treat us roughly and with so much disrespect, I mean verbal abuse was really really harsh. Now when I look back and travel in my memory lane I came to the age to understand, once we grew up; they no longer needed to treat us roughly. Did I say grow up ? we were we were in our pre-teen years and the teen years it was the children who were using the same kind of language to each others and they did not needed adults to treat us that badly.

In a time when I was not accustomed to the world outside which used word like dignity, self respect, self-worth, confidence, lack of confidence and inferiority complex it was not easy for me to request my friends how to treat me and give me respect. So when one of my friend started feeling comfortable calling me nasty word like ‘Kukurni’, I was totally lost; how to tell her to treat me with respect.

Its not that she was the only one who used to feel at ease using foul nasty words . But for others a stern look and good snap did the work. But this friends of mine was as stubborn as I am, so was not easy to deal with her. To make the matter even worse she was my best friend for long time and was in my class and we had shared the same bench for years. It sure was not easy for me to tell her, how not to feel comfortable to call me with word like ‘Bitch’ !

This is a commonly used word and most of the young girl who heard it, seemed to have no objection but me. This acceptance by many and resentment by minority, which happened to be just me, added her confusion. But I was determined to stop her to call me that word and feel comfortable with it also. So, I stood face to face  with my dear friend  Junkiri to stop her not to call me ‘Kukurni’. I was not in a position not in mental condition to help her understand these things and not to call me ‘Bitch’ ! but she would not listen.  

How can I convince her about all this, when I myself was not sure about how I was expecting her to treat me with respect ? In that condition all I did was to avoid talking to her because more I requested more she felt challenged and then felt easy to call me ‘Bitch’.

Having no option I just  stopped  talking to her. At this moment I really don't know how long  I did not talked to her, but; I do remember long enough to make her realize that I have zero tolerance to this word and not going to be accept it, even it coming from my close friend; who grew up with me and who was my roommate as well as classmate.

Would she have given me the due respect had I told her about the  self-respect, dignity and the self worth ? But the question is how when I myself was not aware of these fancy words. when I was still surrounded by people from Bal Mandir who are alien to such words. But this taught me that we should not wait others to give us respect all the time sometimes we have to set the bar for us and then make them treat us with respect, even if they refuse to do it. All you have to do is to figure it out how !