“Your mother was in jail right ?” I asked her straight forward as i am not known to bit around the bush type of person, she said “yes”. “she killed your father, did not she ?” I asked her again.
“She did not killed him, but I heard that she hired others to kill him”, she replied.
“How old were you when you were admitted in Bal Mandir ?” I wanted to know more about the one with whom I have spent so many years and yet I really dont know the real story behind her. “it was pretty late, I was around seven then”, she responded “.....added again because for about two years my grandmother took care of all three, me and my two younger brothers.”
“I don’t remember, you were there in with your brothers”, I responded. “Yes, I mean of course, they were not there with me, as they were placed in SOS, Pokhara”, she replied clearing my confusion.
“Okay, do you know why she killed your father ?” this one was more important for me to know than the confirmation of what I already knew about her parents. “I don’t know”, why she killed him as I was only very small and my grandmother never mentioned about it”, she sounded helpless and curious at the same time, when I asked her that question.
“..... and your mother never mentioned you why she wanted him dead ?” I shoot another sharp question.
“No, perhaps I was never that close with her or she did not wanted to tell me”, she replied. And as if suddenly she added that, “one thing was clear for about 10 years, she did not knew where were we, after she was sent to jail. But some how she found out that I was in Bal Mandir, so then she sent one of her trusted friend to see me in the Bal Mandir. Then when I was studying on 8th grade in Padma Kanya School, I used to go to visit her frequently in jail as the jail was in Dilli bazar. When she saw me she was so surprised how grown I was, and once the guard let me go further and her out from her cell door, she just hugged me and cried,” Shova had very vivid memory of her first jail visit. She remembered every details of the jail, where was the bed and where was the room and how many corridor further she was kept in and the bed [ placed there for visitors talking purpose] outside the corridor to stay and talk with the inmates. “and ….” I waited her further to open up.
“I used to go to visit her with Devi, because it was she, who used to tell me, lets go to visit your mother. May be, she also used to miss her own parents so....” she went on, “.... she even used to give me money, which of course, given to her by her boyfriend, to buy sweets and a cigarettes. By then I have learned that she used to smoke, so every time I used to go to visit her, I used to give her a pack of cigarette. She had given me one long black sweater, which you can tie on your back with belt, it had very big buttons”, she reminisces.
But she never told you or your never asked her during those visits, why she killed your father ?” I came back again with the same question.
“No, never. Look I was growing up in Bal Mandir with so many just like me, I do not remember my fathers face, it really did not matter to me. To know why she did what she did.” Shova said. and continued “.....when she died I do not remember shedding a drop of tear for her.” I understand exactly, what she was talking about, we whoever grew up in Bal Mandir are some what different than those who grew up with their parents and attached emotionally; ant that is what we are not no emotional attachment to anyone.
“ ….and there is no hint for you to guess, why she could have taken that kind of drastic step ?” I persisted.
“do you know there was a nurse in Bal Mandir ?” she asked me, as if I remember the sister, “she used to tell me about my father, he was a cook at Teku hospital. Whenever he was angry he used to add so many salt or pepper either in lentil or in curry. She used to say that he had a very bushy mustache, so she used to call me ‘junge baje’s’ daughter, while she used to dress my wounds up.” When she saw me I was paying more attention to what she was telling me, she continued further, “my grandmother used to tell me later on he used to drink a lot, and may be he was very short tempered. My grandmother was a staff nurse at the Bir Hospital and my mother also used to work in same hospital, but she was not nurse. Perhaps she was a peon [office assistant] there, but I really don’t know the nature of her job.”
“Do you think he could have harassed your mother, too much under the alcohol consumption ? which she could not cope up with ? I tried to get a link here. “may be, but its only may be, but I really don’t know the reason behind it”, she said
“After my marriage also, we were in touch, she had sent a jumper for my first child, when he was born throw the hand of a lady constable who knew where I stayed. She was released from jail after 1990s political stir, citing they were inside for long time. However, at that time I was in India for about two months. So when she went to her home [Chabhil] she was not allowed to enter her house and nobody in her neighbourhood wanted her to stay in that area. I was so confused, how to accept her; because she was denied by the society and I did not have courage to take her in my house for the same reason. I really wondered how could I have handled the situation, if I was here. Some time I feel,it was right that, I was not here to face that situation. As she was rejected by this society for what she did, that could have caused so much problem for me to provide shelter for her and adjust in society.”
“Don’t you think, if you knew the reason, it would have been easier for you to face that situation ?” I asked her. She replied, “may be, but then it just did not hit me to know why ? ”, she continued further “... she then went on to stay in Nava Jyoti School, a christian run school for the disabled children at Baluwater and then started making tea and food for the teachers. They provided her a room to stay. With her one girl of my age was staying, and I really did not know who she was and why they were staying together. I did went to visit her there, but soon after her health started getting worse and the nuns took care of every thing, I mean all the hospital cost. When she was in Patan Hospital, we went to visit her there too. It was the nuns, who did all the necessary things during her hospital stay and also the cost of her last rite, but it was my husband who gave her the fire at the end. All this happened in just two years when she was out from jail she died”, she took a long breath.
“ and she died with the secret in her heart”, I asked her again, and then also added, “Shova don't you think,if only you knew, why she killed your father, would have helped you to face the society when you were so confused, how to handle the situation ? even if you were not attached with her emotionally and there was no feelings in your heart for her. Just a little bit of respect for your mother in your heart ?, because its not what otters thinks, its about what you think about her”, I was curious.
“ I guess, yes, but its too late and now my grandmother is also dead. She died about two years ago, so no way I get that answer.” she said.
Not even realizing, I left her wondering; why she was never curious of knowing the reason behind the kill, the big question why?
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Shova is now mother of two sons, one of them have just joined the college, she and her husband runs cafeteria in hospital or office.
Very interesting stories.
ReplyDeleteThanks.