Why I lost my temper

Sunita Giri 11:21 PM |

I could have been in my early teen or perhaps preteen years, quite not sure but I was young there is no doubt. Growing up in Bal Mandir and expecting that, people will give you little bit of respect is something, like expecting a meatloaf in the talons nest. The grown  ups was one of the major reason for this to blame for all this, was just not giving it much importance to our daily life and so it was, at times it was kind of accepted truth that we take it easy and make no fuss about it. But the word respect was something that, was hugely lacking within the roommates too. Perhaps I was just too fool, to expect something like self-respect that too while growing up in an orphanage.  Honestly speaking, I did not even know, that I was expecting some kind of self-respect; when I was that young. But I had very short temper, when people called names, obscene, filthy, derogatory remarks in very disrespectful manner. I could not do anything, when it was targeted towards others. But when its me, its my responsibility to tame that person, who felt comfortable to call me like that.

One day, after school I found myself tangling with Rita Gurung, for the same reason. She was  bit younger then me but we were in the same room. I do not remember today,  exactly, how it started; but out of nowhere she called me ‘slut’. To room nannies, it was kind of accepted within their friendship to call each other ‘bitch’ or ‘slut’. It was kind of bantering for them.  If you used to watch The simple life on TV starring Paris Hilton and her close friend Nichol Richi, they used to call each other like, ‘bitch’ with so much comfort. But, I am not them because, I am Sunita. So, I  simply refused to take those words hurled at me. 

I am known for not having patience for bullshit and nonsense things ever since I was child [ now I know this], and losing it fast, specially when somebody with Rita’s kind of attitude. In such case, It was lightning fast for me to act. To end the verbal war, I simply could have told her, “you are ‘slut’ too”, because, that was the kind of culture inside Bal Mandir. But, using that word was definitely no, no for me. There was two method to stop her, either I call her the same name or tell her firmly and sternly, never ever do this in future, because its bad [and that kind of culture do not existed in Bal Mandir] or the other way is street language. Slap her, kick her, thwart her, push her on the wall. It was kind of easy way to, to control people; because that's what, we have seen adults including big boys and girls also, doing with us. That's how we learned how to handle problem and people thrown at us. 

In fact slap is not the right word here to explain what I did after that to her. I had  gone mad with her,  so was kicking  and pulling her hair, thwarting her like anything. During this whole time, she was saying incessantly, the same word again and again with every kick and forceful fist on her face and mouth, not even realizing; that’s what, making me mad and causing her all the trouble.

Sometimes, its really hard to understand, after bleeding people like that and expecting; it will change their mentality after that. But hey, I was in my early teen also, or could have been before my teen years to understand; what I am writing down here. What is inside one’s head cannot be changed with external punishment. Punishment does not make anybody to realize their mistakes, but changing their attitude is not my work, especially when I am damn angry at that moment.  All I have to do is, to punish the person instantly, and then expect they will not repeat it, in future. If not for anything but not to get beaten up by me again. 

As I mentioned earlier, it was after school and just before our early dinner. That was the time when everybody used to go to play and and then again some must have been busy chatting in front of the kitchen. There was hardly anybody to rescue Rita from my mad anger.

Somehow, somebody must have seen me beating Rita, at a narrow space in front of window which was facing the front yard. Our  bunkers were lined up   in other sides of us to make that space narrow. Can't remember today, how that beating got halted. But also can't remember did she stopped using those filthy language again or not, but I never ever tangled with her again in this matter is something I do remember. Perhaps I did scare her really with my strong and heavy kicks and feisty blow on her face. 

I remember a line here, from the Attorney General of  America, during the Clinton era, who said that, “we can't see inside the rapist brain, who just had raped three year old girl and we do not know how to cure that kind of [sickening] mentality; so harsh punishment is only answer in such cases”.


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Sunita Giri said...

It feels so good to get this kind of honest comments in my blog. I sure do feel soooooo good to get comments from the person like you who normally do not like commenting. Thank you so much for reading it and liking it.

Indra Thapa said...

its really very difficult to express our self after realizing what we did in our past but you did it in very well way.. good one :)

but something is knocking my head again and again.. where is Rita Gurung now... are you still touch with her or you ever share with her whatever you feel about it ????

Sunita Giri said...

Rita Gurung has been living in US as she was lucky to get a sponsor, who was US national; he helped her to settle in that country. I am not in touch with her for almost 15-20 years. But due to our vast circle of friends, we can alwasy find out who is doing what and where. So nothing is secret.

Indra Thapa said...

That's really great :)

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